Boyfriend hurt me and I'm confused

Postby unknowwn » Thu May 03, 2018 5:18 am

I recently found out that my boyfriend was planning to see a escort. Before I confrotned him about it, I believed he went through with it. Though, it never made sense as we are so happy in our relationship and I give him everything I have plus he doesnt seem like the type to do it. I was shocked but knew deep down there had to be another explanation. He admitted to me that he was in fact planning to do it, he booked the appointment and had the cash ready but on the way driving there he felt guilty and sick so turned around. He said because he didnt do it he thought he wouldn't tell me and just forget it ever happened. When he told me this, in a way I was relieved because what I initially believed he did wasn't true and I moved on straight away. But it's been a few days now and I started thinking about it, I feel hurt that he even thought of doing it and was SO close to doing it.

I know it was hard for him to admit to me so I dont want to keep bringing it up, but I want to show him that what he did still hurts because on his end it looks like everything is fine as I was relieved when he told me as I was expecting him to admit the absolute worst but now I've had a chance to think about it I actually do feel really hurt and I'm struggling because I dont even know if it's worth bringing up/feeling hurt over.
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#1

Postby Candid » Thu May 03, 2018 6:34 am

Your feelings are your feelings. unknowwn. If this is a deal-breaker for you -- and it would be for me -- you need to tell him that and call it quits.
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#2

Postby unknowwn » Thu May 03, 2018 7:46 am

That's the thing - it's not a complete deal breaker for me but I feel like it should be. I'm afraid that he won't take me seriously because of this.
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#3

Postby Candid » Thu May 03, 2018 7:58 am

Your partner's planned visit to an 'escort' suggests he's not getting what he wants from you sexually. Rather than talk to you about it, he figured he'd pay for what he wanted. But he didn't tell you, and he bailed at the last minute.

Your first post doesn't show him talking to you about why he wanted to go elsewhere. It seems both of you have just brushed this under the carpet. He probably sees it as a temporary lapse whereas you're chewing it over. I think you're going to have to tell him you're upset by it and need to discuss what he wants that he's not getting from you.
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#4

Postby Livetowin » Thu May 03, 2018 10:48 am

Well you have two factors here - Truth and consequences. The good thing is he did have the integrity to own up to something he had intended to do (but didn't). Most people will talk themselves back from that if the action was not committed. This guy took the extra step, examined his heart, and fell on the sword because he felt like he owed that to you. That speaks to a conscience which I like. In this day and age where most people are very selfish and near unapologetic for doing whatever they want to whoever they want, it's refreshing (and about damn time) to hear someone actually stand up, be a MAN, and say, " I thought about this and that was wrong." Good for him.

There's not one of us (NOT ONE) who is so pure of heart, we don't consider bad things at raw moments. But discipline, self-control, and a calling to a higher standard keeps us in check from those who have no sense and do it anyway. That's the human condition. That is part of feeling. And that is the reason why we have feelings AND a brain. So we can reason away irrational thoughts based on emotion alone.

I think you do yourself an enormous disservice if you dump this guy. You're punishing him for doing the right thing and owning up to a moment of irrational reasoning which he did not act upon. He thought enough of you to own that moment, and admit to it. That's him holding himself (and his consideration of you) to a higher standard. Now if he had done it, we might be having a different conversation because then we're looking at the endgame which is his inability to control himself when he wants something outside of the relationship.

What you're needing is resolve as to what inspired him to plan this in the first place. He's bowing his head in remorse for just planning it. This is a major crossroads in your relationship. He's being accountable in bringing this to you. The transparency and honesty that every person screams to have in a relationship has been tested and he passed. Can you be equally accountable in receiving it? He's asking for mercy because he loves you. Are you big enough to put your pride behind you as he did and realize he did the right thing for the right reasons? He owned intent rather than sweeping it under the rug by saying, " What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

I think what you need to do here is pull him closer. Love him more. And instead of being suspicious, just be more attentive to insecurities he might carry. Maybe he needs to be uplifted a bit more. Maybe he needs a little more reassurance you are not going anywhere. Maybe he needs to feel the transparency he just showed to you. Reward him for his trust in you and doing the right thing. You might be surprised. Some day you might ask the same from him.

I've always said, the greatest measure of loving someone is knowing how to forgive them. I think this is the first big test of your love for him. He showed up. Can you show up as well? He did the right thing. Sleep well on that thought and just hold him closer. He didn't let his thoughts of selfishness lead him to do something he would regret. Don't you let your thoughts of pride poison that achievement in this relationship. Show him he did the right thing and the relationship will only grow stronger. I wish you the very best.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 03, 2018 11:47 am

unknowwn wrote: He admitted to me that he was in fact planning to do it, he booked the appointment and had the cash ready but on the way driving there he felt guilty and sick so turned around. He said because he didnt do it he thought he wouldn't tell me and just forget it ever happened.


-1- How are you certain he didn’t go through with it?

-2- As pointed out, what is taking place in the bedroom that he is currently unsatisfied?

In my previous life, I arrested people that would commit crimes. There were crimes in the moment and crimes that were all planned out. Which is worse?

This was not a momentary lapse in judgment. This was premeditated. This degree of planning and then execution is like planning the robbery, buying the tools, heading to the bank and only when confronted saying, “But, I didn’t...”.

-1- Unless you have something more than just his word, I recommend you not be so certain he didn’t follow through.

-2- You need to address how long he had been planning and figure out what is making him unsatisfied. A robber plans because they are unsatisfied with their access to money. This planned infidelity points to dissatisfaction.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 03, 2018 11:54 am

Forgot to check your older threads.

unknowwn wrote:He has been physical with me multiple times. Not in the sense that he has beaten me and left bruises but he has pushed, shoved, kicked, grabbed me by the throat, bitten, pinned me down and grabbed me by the jaw all on seperate occasions.


So now add infidelity to the list.
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#7

Postby quietvoice » Thu May 03, 2018 2:17 pm

quietvoice wrote:
unknowwn wrote:Ill start off by saying that i deeply love my boyfriend, . . .

What's Love Got To Do With It?
Image

Why are you still with this bozo?
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#8

Postby BrianDorsey » Sun May 13, 2018 2:41 am

Think well of the relationship with your boyfriend. What he's doing is not normal.
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