Stuck in the Middle, What can I do?

Postby Tyffani » Thu May 03, 2018 7:23 pm

So I had a rough night and I am just lost on how to approach the situation carefully....

So, my older sister has been our roommate for just over a year now. Things were alright, we were all working together to get ahead. However, lately my sister has been owing us money towards the overall house expenses, and my husband and I have been trying to be as patient and understanding as possible... We told her that if she can't afford something to let us know so we can help, but to pay us back as soon as the money if there..

My husband has been giving me crap about it because she owes us, but still uses more of her fair share of things quicker than we can keep up with... (ex, if I buy a 24 pack of soda to split between just me and her, there will be at least 6 gone by the next day, and I only had 1!) I try to talk to her nicely about it, and she always says she gets it, but then she's back to the old habits after a day or two... He has tried himself to talk to her in a cool manner to just explain to her that she can't just take and not contribute...

So right now she owes us $180 plus her part of the electric when it comes in. She got paid and told me she couldn't give it to me and so I told her okay... but that she needs to give whatever she can as soon as she can because we were a little tight this week.

OK, Last Night:

So we came home and my uncle was there with a new bike for her, so we let him in and tried to see if we could fit it in her room. I happened to notice a Walmart bag on the floor with a receipt so I looked and it and it said she spent like $30 on dumb sh** like Yu-gi-oh cards (yes, YU-GI-OH CARDS!!! I wish I was making this sh** up!) the day after she told us that she couldn't pay us back. So, needless to say, my husband was pretty pissed about it and took the cards and hid them from her... Later when she asked about it, he told her that she can have them back when she pays us the $30 she could have payed us back and my sister lost it and things kinda just escalated after that... I tried to calm my husband down but to also let my sister know she was being ridiculous and she was wrong...

The fight ended with my husband giving her the stupid cards back and telling her she needs to pay us back and get out in two months because she already paid for this month.

My issue:

I want to talk to both of them about it, but I have no clue what to say... I feel like my husband was right, but handled the situation wrong... and I know my sister is wrong, but she is the 2 most stubborn person I know (next to my mom -_-' ).... I don't want things to stay tense between us all... and I don't want to force my sister out... but how do i talk without sounding like I'm betraying one side of my family?

I rehearse what I think I want to say to them, but when I think about actually doing it, my anxiety starts to act up and I feel like I can't breath...

I feel like this whole thing is so stupid.....

What can I do....?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 03, 2018 7:56 pm

Tyffani wrote:The fight ended with my husband giving her the stupid cards back and telling her she needs to pay us back and get out in two months because she already paid for this month.

What can I do....?


As a couple, both people must agree to a 3rd party living in the home. Your sister is the 3rd party and has no say past any legal lease agreement. It is an issue between you and your husband. Currently your husband doesn’t agree that this 3rd person should stay. Therefore, it is up to you to communicate and work out the issue with him.

Personally, if I’m your partner this 3rd person (your sister) is no longer welcome. It would be difficult to convince me otherwise. Your sister is taking advantage and that would end with her moving out. As my partner I would expect your full support.

If you made the choice not to support me and felt you did not need my agreement to have a 3rd party living in the home, that would say more about the health of our relationship than anything else.

Again, my comment is based on the underlying premise that in marriage both people must approve in order to have a 3rd party living in the home, whether it is just a friend, sibling, or parent. If you don’t agree...if you believe your husband can invite a person to live in your home without your approval or vice versa, then my comment is not valid.
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#2

Postby Tyffani » Thu May 03, 2018 8:20 pm

We both agreed for her to move in so that she could help bring down some of the expenses... It's just lately that there has been an issue.

My issue isn't supporting my husband. I do believe he is completely in the right here, I just wish things didn't escalate so quickly...

I just worry that my sister will thing I am betraying my family even though she was wrong... I just want us all to be okay after this, whether she goes or stays....
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 03, 2018 9:18 pm

Tyffani wrote: I just worry that my sister will thing I am betraying my family even though she was wrong... I just want us all to be okay after this, whether she goes or stays....


You can’t worry about something you can’t control. Well, obviously you can worry and people do worry about things they can’t control, it is perfectly normal, but it is counterproductive.

Focus on what you can control. You can control how you treat your sister. You can’t control how she decides to react or how she decides to treat you in the future. You worrying about that is exactly what leads her to feel that it is okay to take advantage of the situation.

Treat your sister with respect and that is all you can do. She doesn’t respect you or your husband, so asking her to leave is not because you don’t care about her.
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#4

Postby Tyffani » Fri May 04, 2018 12:08 am

...it's like somehow I know all of that... But I feel so conflicted... Idk...
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