Girlfriend hurt me bad

Postby noknow » Fri May 04, 2018 4:37 am

She's really frustrated with where she is in life career wise and other things. Every time she's frustrated with other things, she manages to channel it to our relationship. She starts to question us, our compatibility, where we're going, etc. Our relationship gets scapegoated :(

Recently she was feeling down and frustrated about a job offer. We were talking on the phone. She gave a list of all the possible routes that she could take career wise. After that, I said "So what's the plan?". She got angry when I said that. She said that I have no emotions and that I never try to help her. I asked "what is your version of help? I'm always talking to you". It's like she wants me to tell her what to do in life. I've gotten this feeling from her many times. Then she said "It's like you have no soul"... This really hurt badly. She basically said I wasn't a human. I was so stunned and perplexed. What did I do? I told her "I can't do this, have a good night" and I hung up the phone.

I'm so hurt. No one has ever said that to me. I consider myself to be an emotional being like any other. When she says I have no soul, I feel like I am robbed of the characteristic that makes me human. I don't know how to recover from this. It's the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm crying as I type.

I can't continue to see her. Someone who says something like this is not right for me. This hurts so bad. We've been together for over 8 months. With in the last 3 months or so she has had a lot of stuff going on her side. I've been there physically, emotionally, and have been there to talk. At the sacrifice of my happiness. But after this, I don't see us continuing on.

I'm so sad...I have emotions like any other human. I'm positive I have a soul.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Fri May 04, 2018 6:52 am

Hi.
I get a feeling she wants you to show emotions rather than just being helpful and supportive. What are you doing with your life right now. What are your career aims? Maybe she's trying to tell you she's frustrated in her life and wants to know where you're heading in your relationship? Try not to feel hurt by her comments as we say things out of frustration. Tell her how you feel and see what she says.. If it's still the same, cut loose and move on.
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#2

Postby noknow » Fri May 04, 2018 7:16 am

tokeless wrote:Hi.
I get a feeling she wants you to show emotions rather than just being helpful and supportive. What are you doing with your life right now. What are your career aims? Maybe she's trying to tell you she's frustrated in her life and wants to know where you're heading in your relationship? Try not to feel hurt by her comments as we say things out of frustration. Tell her how you feel and see what she says.. If it's still the same, cut loose and move on.


I don't get what you're saying at all. When she's sad, I'm sad. When she's frustrated I'm frustrated. We reflect each others emotions. And I say things 'I'm really sorry to hear that, I'm bummed'. As small examples, are these not examples of showing emotion?

I'm in a fairly stable part in my life with a developing career. This is stuff we've talked about. Try not to feel hurt? I was told I was not human...
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#3

Postby Candid » Fri May 04, 2018 7:25 am

This is a classic male-female thing. There's a lot about that in John Gray's book Men Are From Mars. When a woman has a problem, she wants to go over it from every angle. Her women friends (if she has any) can help her do this; the talk goes on and on, and no one expects it to be solved. The women show empathy. We soothe each other with messages such as: "In your situation I would feel exactly the same."

A man faced with his partner's unhappiness, on the other hand, wants to go straight to the solution: "So what's the plan?" She hasn't got as far as a plan; she still wants to express the feelings.

It's not your fault if she hasn't got at least one female friend to thrash it out with -- but you seem more concerned about the fact that she implied you haven't got a soul. Of course you've got a soul! It's a man's soul -- solution-oriented instead of relationship-oriented.

If you "can't continue to see her" you can't, but you'll probably find other women are wired the same way. I have women friends who will listen and empathise; it's what women do. When I want a solution right now, I ask my husband.

Tokeless has said much the same thing, from a man's perspective.
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#4

Postby noknow » Fri May 04, 2018 7:59 am

Candid wrote:This is a classic male-female thing. There's a lot about that in John Gray's book Men Are From Mars. When a woman has a problem, she wants to go over it from every angle. Her women friends (if she has any) can help her do this; the talk goes on and on, and no one expects it to be solved. The women show empathy. We soothe each other with messages such as: "In your situation I would feel exactly the same."

A man faced with his partner's unhappiness, on the other hand, wants to go straight to the solution: "So what's the plan?" She hasn't got as far as a plan; she still wants to express the feelings.

It's not your fault if she hasn't got at least one female friend to thrash it out with -- but you seem more concerned about the fact that she implied you haven't got a soul. Of course you've got a soul! It's a man's soul -- solution-oriented instead of relationship-oriented.

If you "can't continue to see her" you can't, but you'll probably find other women are wired the same way. I have women friends who will listen and empathise; it's what women do. When I want a solution right now, I ask my husband.

Tokeless has said much the same thing, from a man's perspective.


She's new here, and doesn't have any female friends. She's really introverted and antisocial in general. She says she hates it when people recommend her to make friends, so I'm not sure what I should say. She doesn't have any hobbies so thats makes it hard.

What frustrates me to no end, is when something is wrong, everything starts to become wrong. The dog, her life, our relationship. It goes on and on. She'll basically find anything to start an argument about. She'll blame anything/anyone. Then she'll start to say awful things.

I'm not sure how to reconcile our communication differences. I'm an introverted Engineer and I guess by nature solutions oriented. In the work place, my business, I'm direct and to the point. No small talk. We both haven't had a serious relationship like this so we may just need some training.
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#5

Postby Candid » Fri May 04, 2018 8:18 am

Your girlfriend sounds quite troubled. She could probably do with some talk therapy to deal with her antisocial tendencies. They start out as a way of self-protection, but social isolation is not good for anyone.

You just need to know what's her responsibility and what's yours. You can't 'fix' her, only support her to find herself and what she wants.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 04, 2018 12:50 pm

noknow wrote: What frustrates me to no end, is when something is wrong, everything starts to become wrong. The dog, her life, our relationship. It goes on and on. She'll basically find anything to start an argument about. She'll blame anything/anyone. Then she'll start to say awful things.

I'm not sure how to reconcile our communication differences.


You’re an engineer. Solutions oriented. The above sounds like a communications issue to you?
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#7

Postby HumanB » Mon May 07, 2018 10:14 pm

noknow wrote: I asked "what is your version of help?...".
So what was her actual answer to your question?

It's like she wants me to tell her what to do in life.
Well I bet she did not say "Honey, I want you to tell me what to do in life, that's the help I seek from you" in response to your question. So what did she actually tell you?
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#8

Postby ChrisWolfCaesar » Tue May 08, 2018 10:42 am

You should read David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man." Essentially, it's the man's role to provide direction in the relationship. The woman's role is to provide love. When you ask, "What is the plan?" That's the same as if you're asking her out on a first date and you say, "So where do you want to go?" Women want a man who will plan the date, and she agrees to go out with you because she expects you to plan your life and relationship. This is why women don't date men who live in their parents basement smoking pot-they have no direction and no ability to make decisions. She's freaking out at you and you're supposed to be her rock. When you ask her to take the lead, "So what's the plan," you are passing the masculine role onto her and she will lose attraction for you. You probably feel like you can't deal with her anymore because you are assuming the feminine role, which turns you off.
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#9

Postby BrianDorsey » Sat May 12, 2018 10:25 am

Your girlfriend is not self-confident. And this uncertainty she hides behind the mask of constant attacks on you. You may be tired of this relationship.
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#10

Postby noknow » Sat May 19, 2018 8:00 am

HumanB wrote:
noknow wrote: I asked "what is your version of help?...".
So what was her actual answer to your question?

It's like she wants me to tell her what to do in life.
Well I bet she did not say "Honey, I want you to tell me what to do in life, that's the help I seek from you" in response to your question. So what did she actually tell you?


She said "I don't know, you should know these things." Umm ok? That didn't help me at all. I can't read her mind.

No she did not.
Last edited by noknow on Sat May 19, 2018 8:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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#11

Postby noknow » Sat May 19, 2018 8:02 am

BrianDorsey wrote:Your girlfriend is not self-confident. And this uncertainty she hides behind the mask of constant attacks on you. You may be tired of this relationship.

That's what I'm thinking too. I'm getting sick of her nagging, me trying to please her in every way. If I standup for myself she whines, if I don't she whines, it's this never ending circle of sh** that I just get covered in.
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#12

Postby Candid » Sat May 19, 2018 8:28 am

Maybe the problem is trying to please her. You can't make someone else happy, no one can. Aim to make yourself happy, then if she walks you won't care.
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#13

Postby noknow » Sat May 19, 2018 8:35 am

Candid wrote:Maybe the problem is trying to please her. You can't make someone else happy, no one can. Aim to make yourself happy, then if she walks you won't care.

I think this is where I have faulted. Trying to please her too much. It didn't start out this way, I was very conscience to do that. I think she has ton of stuff going on mentally, so I tried to please her to make her happier. Looks like it's backfired?
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#14

Postby Candid » Sat May 19, 2018 9:35 am

Maybe she feels guilty, seeing you jumping through hoops based on what she says she wants, when the truth is she doesn't even know what she wants. She's not unhappy because of you, she's just unhappy. What you do or don't do isn't going to make any difference.

Makes me think of that old (before your time) song by Ricky Nelson:
"But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself."
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