Too hard on myself or is my family right?

Postby Shrodi_m » Sat May 05, 2018 4:54 pm

Hey everybody,

I am new to this forum, so if I made a mistake by posting this in the wrong category or something like that, please let me know.

Okay, so this my story and I would like to ask if I should seek professional help (from a psychologist) or should I just re-examine the situation myself. Ever since I was a kid, I've had terrible self-esteem. Although I've had really good academic success and a ton of extracurricular activities, I have always regarded myself as a complete failure, I attribute my success more to luck or "it somehow worked out", despite many people telling me I am intelligent etc. My mother was / is a pretty unstable person and she greeted every single one of my failures (no matter big or small, usually small, like getting 95% on a test, instead of 100% or something like that) with a lot of anger and sometimes physical punishment. My father didn't care that much, as he worked as a ship engineer and he wasn't usually home and he has always told me "you can do want you want in life, I will not judge you". This fear of failure and tendency to devalue my successes caused my unwillingness to try out new stuff and to take part on different international science competitions (I just didn't believe I could manage it). But three years ago, I decided to move to a new country- Austria and start studying at the university of Vienna. I decided to do that, because I wanted to leave behind an environment I deemed as "toxic" to me- parents and family considering my academical success as expected and my failures-as a complete tragedy, but due to the sheer differences of what I have learned at school and of work and university here is considered a full-time job). Due to the aforementioned problem with university, a lot of my relatives have marked me as a complete failure in life (I am 22, by the way, I think that is way too young to declare somebody to be a complete failure), especially my grand-parents, who believe I am just wasting my life away and never take into account the fact I am sustaining myself completely and I still can't get over the death of my father. As I said, my low self-esteem is now even lower and I feel really demotivated most of the time. Since a couple of months, I have been having stomach pain and a couple of doctors have told me, that I don't have an ulcer or anything similar, it is just I am really stressed out and it seems my stomach is really susceptible to my mood.

My question is, should I seek out professional help? Am I really a failure for postponing my graduation, due to me working and completely taking care of myself and trying to take care of my family? I know some of my classmates will be soon done with university, but I am sure none of them had to deal with the death of a parent so early in his or her life and I am certain none of them have worked even a day in their lives. I just can't decide, if I am too hard on myself or if I am really not giving my best. I try not to care what others think, but when your entirely family uses every single chance to vex you, you can't be indifferent.
Shrodi_m
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 4:20 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Candid » Sat May 05, 2018 6:05 pm

Shrodi_m wrote:My question is, should I seek out professional help?


I think so. Being so utterly unsupported and denigrated by your parents and extended family means you've had to battle on alone for a very long time. I'm not surprised you're at a low ebb.

Am I really a failure for postponing my graduation, due to me working and completely taking care of myself and trying to take care of my family?


Of course not. People graduate from university at every age, for a variety of reasons.

I think having a professional on your side will make a big difference, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
User avatar
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 7951
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Location: Reading, England
Likes Received: 305

#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 05, 2018 6:18 pm

Shrodi_m wrote: Am I really a failure....


I’m trying to understand. In your opinion, what is the difference between failing to achieve a particular goal and being a failure?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9979
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 998

#3

Postby Shrodi_m » Sat May 05, 2018 6:49 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Shrodi_m wrote: Am I really a failure....


I’m trying to understand. In your opinion, what is the difference between failing to achieve a particular goal and being a failure?

Actually, your reply made me think a little....I have kind of conditioned myself to believe that failing to achieve a particular goal=general failure with no chance of further success or success in something completely different. I don't want to go into general, broader definitions what is for me "failure", "success" and "being a failure", but as you pointed out, I might really have a problem in distinguishing between both terms.
Shrodi_m
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 4:20 pm
Likes Received: 0

#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 05, 2018 7:15 pm

Shrodi_m wrote:...as you pointed out, I might really have a problem in distinguishing between both terms.


That is what I'm not sure I understand. Do two terms even exist?

I understand it is possible to fail. In fact, every single day I am proud to fail at something. If I am not failing it means I am not growing or learning. If I am not failing it means I am not challenging myself, it means I am not taking any sort of risk.

Your story of moving to a new country is taking a chance. Going to school is putting yourself in situations where you are learning and constantly growing. Of course you will fail...hopefully you fail many, many, many times in life. If you don't ever fail it means you are living a boring, comfortable life, right?

At least that is the way I see failure. I guess I don't understand the "be" idea of failure as a noun, as a static object or thing. I see failure as a verb, which is transitory, temporary, and an action.

Is it even possible to "be" a failure?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9979
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 998

#5

Postby Mindset4Success » Fri May 18, 2018 6:32 am

Honey you are being way too hard own yourself, you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and no one is there to bare the weight.

The stomach pain is psychosomatic, created from the pain and stress you are placing on yourself, we hold stress in our shoulders as well as in our stomach. We refer to these as body syndromes, and our stomach also is associated with guilt and shame. If you are familiar with the body chakras that would be a great thing to look into.

It would be beneficial for you long term to seek professional help, to help you heal this stress for yourself, especially being so young.

Like you mentioned your mother was unstable, and you lost your father, so you naturally went into the caregiver role, placing all the expectations of your family on you. It is not your job to save anyone, its their own responsibility to save themselves, just like its your own responsibility to take care of your self.

You need to drop there expectations of who you should be and what role you need to play in your family. Once you do this, you will start to feel happier and experience more inner peace.

Below is a link to my free guidebook "setting your own expectations", this will help you to gain better clarity about yourself, and start the process for self-healing.

https://mailchi.mp/fe92a75fb5b9/setting ... pectations
Mindset4Success
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 4:51 am
Likes Received: 3



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Self Esteem & Confidence