ready to give up giving up !

#75

Postby helenadoc » Sat May 26, 2018 4:12 pm

Bagobones wrote:
But thats not important.. The important thing is that you and the rest here get to feel well again. And I agree, it would be nice if we could have gotten support other places than the internet for our initial struggles after quitting. Out of curiosity, have you told your shrink about the weed smoking?


Hi Bagobones. Quitting smoking was the reason i went to the shrink. It was the thing we talked about.
Like i said a while ago, i didn't have any mental problems until quitting so i didn't have a reason to go to one.
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#76

Postby dhae2604 » Sat May 26, 2018 4:23 pm

Hi Quitting friends @helanadoc @anxious etc... how are you doing? ;))
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#77

Postby Foggy Noggin » Sat May 26, 2018 6:29 pm

Hi Mary,

Hope you had a good meeting with your counselor. I did talk therapy about 4 years ago when I was unemployed and very depressed due to circumstances in my life. It did help. It's useful to have a someone help talk through issues you are going through. Sometimes there's a eureka moment, but mostly it is just a comfort, and still really helps.

From one of your previous posts:

"...my anxiety makes me want to change so much about my life that just can't be changed especially overnight I need to learn to live in the here and now instead of the past or indeed how I can make my future..."

This is exactly what I am struggling with right now. During my long term marijuana use, I procrastinated and self medicated, so the stuff piling up around me that needed to be addressed / changed didn't get to me very much, just once in a while.

Now, without that escape, it's just me and my 'backlog' of stuff I need to do / change. And with PAWS, it's very hard to find the initiative to address that stuff, yet the suffering it causes is ever present.

As I've written before, I think steady progress is the recipe. Making little gains and realizing that you don't have to change everything at once.

Wishing you well! Be strong and take care!
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#78

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Sat May 26, 2018 9:40 pm

Cali-detroit dhey and foggy...Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice...today was quite good. The councillor helped me make sense of a few things and showed me that although PAWS is a defanant factor in how I'm feeling there are other factors that are affecting me too. She told me not to focus on how long PAWS will last or how long I smoked for but to take each day one step at a time. Glad I went. Feeling much more positive. 8 weeks sober today, fingers crossed things are on the up. How's everyone els doing ? Keep fighting sober people..We can do this xxx
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#79

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue May 29, 2018 7:33 am

Hi all..thought I would write an update of how I'm getting on. I still wake up everyday feeling anxious as he'll but I seem to be able to breath through it and after an hour or so it goes. Other than that I feel so much better. No major highs or lows just plodding on but no depression and I am beginning to see a light at the end of this ugly tunnel. I'm not sure if this is anything to do with the meds I'm on as I've only been on them for 2 weeks but overall I feel much more positive I am looking forward to being able to wake up without feeling this anxiety but for now at least I am coping with it.
How's everyone els doing, let me know how your all feeling ?
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#80

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Wed May 30, 2018 8:20 am

Hi everyone..think I spoke to soon about feeling better...woke up today with a pounding headache and terrible anxiety again...feel horrible when will this end ! X
Would love to here from you how your all getting on. X
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#81

Postby Wave » Wed May 30, 2018 10:34 am

Well done on 2 months. Something I tried to do is really enjoy the moments where I feel ok and think "imagine this 24/7" then just bear with the low times.

It is frustrating that the time of weed recovery is so long, but that is also the major incentive to not smoke again. After my 4th or 5th failure when I had quit for more than a month I just couldn't bear repeating the cycle again as knew how tough I would find it and how disappointed I was in myself for failing. Where you are now is massive and you don't want to throw away that hard work!!

Keep going, aim for 3 months, then 6 and then a year!!!
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#82

Postby dhae2604 » Wed May 30, 2018 3:02 pm

very good advice wave.
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#83

Postby dhae2604 » Wed May 30, 2018 3:08 pm

sad to hear your feeling bad now mary. do you think its a side effect of the meds you mention before? hope your symptoms will subside soon
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#84

Postby Cali-Detroit » Wed May 30, 2018 4:32 pm

Hey Mary,

Sorry to hear that rollercoaster ride is getting to you. I'm right with you, it's very rough right now. In the late evenings I think of new and exciting ways to end it all, only to wake up the next morning with an elephant sitting on my head and a body that feels as if it's been dragged down 30 miles of gravel road. Almost 2 months for me now. Maybe 3 months will be better, or 6. Who knows, but it's wearing me down. But I believe it will get better. Just barely, but I'm holding onto that. Hang in there
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#85

Postby helenadoc » Fri Jun 01, 2018 12:55 pm

Hello everyone. I'm having a hard time..again. headaches and anhedonia mostly. Not very much anxiety. Some light depression...it's like nothing is enough. I'm not content. I'm starting to think that maybe this is who i am. I'm not feeling what i'm supposed to feel. I only feel pain or emptyness. I get so disturbed by the most little things. I don't like this, i don't like that. I woke up this morning crying. I litteraly opened my eyes and started crying...
If this is who i am i may as well get back to smoking again. I'm not happy, i don't apreciate things. I feel very distant towards my bf and it is killing me. I'm an empty shell. I don't know what to do anymore. Those first 10 days of May were it. I haven't felt that good ever since. My head is hurting, my eyes are puffy. Summer vacation is coming and i'm terrified of all that free time i'm going to have because my head will be spining around, thinking too much about random sh** that i shouldn't worry about. I'm 10 days away from 11 months mark and i'm tired of all this...
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#86

Postby Cali-Detroit » Fri Jun 01, 2018 4:56 pm

Hi Helen,

Wow 11months , well done on that first off. I know exactly how you feel, but I'm only at 2 months, so I was hoping by 11 it'd be better. From some of the other folks I'm hearing that one year, or two, or even longer before you get normal again. Do you not feel better than you did at 2 or 3 months, or even 6? Surely there must be more good days than bad at this point. Honestly, facing the real world sober doesn't sound great to me , I get that. I mean matter how much we grow and change and work to stay clean, the wicked world out there does NOT change. In fact it becomes all to clear and real just how heartbreaking it can be and how powerless we are to do a damn thing about it. It's no surprise why drugs and alcohol are so popular. All I can hope is that a clear head helps us think and feel in a more real and present way, even if it's painful on occasion. Pain and anguish are a huge part of life, and as hardcore stoners, we had made a choice to never have to fully feel that misery. But by doing so, I personally could never fully feel what was good and pure and beautiful and I could never hold the memories in my head long enough to matter. It's a surreal existence to be sure and one I had grown tired of.

I say embrace your emptiness and dull dissatisfaction right now. Love it and feel it fully as you should, no matter how hard. Cry and cry and cry some more. I'm no doctor, but I think you're still healing your brain and you've just hit a tricky section, but you'll pull through. Hang in there and ride this wave to shore. Soon you'll be basking in the sun once again!
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#87

Postby helenadoc » Fri Jun 01, 2018 5:27 pm

Hey Cali. Thank you so much for your response.
Yes, of course i feel better than i did at 2 3 months. But you see, the thing is, i thought i'll be good by now. It's been such a long time. The changes are soo soo small that i barely see them. I thought about the cruel reality too, but right now, my life is all good. I don't have any problems. The only problem is me.
For me, good days mean the days when i feel like i used to: energized, loving, feeling the moments. The other days are like...meh.
I don't have that much anxiety anymore, neither panick attacks. Once in a while i get a wave of anxiety, it's like i'm firing up, but they go away pretty quickly.
Depression is at a low low point.
But i'm just so tired of all this. I don't know how to do what you said. To embrace it, feel it and letting it go. I honestly don't know. I never did. All this time i tried to do it, but i kind of cling to it..i don't know how to explain. I emerse myself in it. Sometimes i realise what i'm doing and i stop. But sometimes i can't control it.
I just want my love back. My feelings and normal reactions. It's very hard to feel free of most of the symptoms, but not good, you know. I want emotional stability, i want to be sure of things, not saying "i don't know, i don't know". Not feeling bad when my folks feel proud of me cause of my achievements, not crying when i see my bf do it's best to make me feel good. These things are f***ing me up and i'm starting to feel like i'm this dead cold inside. The only thing that keeps me going are those few days that i get every once in a while, when i feel really good, when i see a light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe is best said, when i feel like i want to.

Sorry about the rant..don't mind me...i'm a little crazy these days.
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#88

Postby Cali-Detroit » Fri Jun 01, 2018 5:59 pm

Hey no need to apologise for ranting, or feeling a little crazy. A little secret:. We are ALL crazy, all our lives, it's just to different degrees.

So what I'm hearing is a problem of expectations. You said you're definitely better than you were in the early stages, but you thought you'd be better, and your bummed your not back to the old you. Can I make the assumption that you are (fortunately) a bit younger, in that you can even remember who that person is? Not to be glib at all, but what a wonderful thing that you have that frame of reference. I truly have a very hard time remembering who I was. It's just whispers and shadows of a person who may or may not have existed at one point in time. It is in this that you can see just how powerful this drug can be. For me, this abstract concept kind of inspires me, as I truly will be seeing a "new" person that I had long forgotten about.

It sounds like you've got the other areas of life handled, so that is actually great news. I really think your just not finished but yet. I've talked with others here, and it can take 2 or 3 years before getting back to "normal". One guy was feeling very similar feelings to you at 2 years and a few months or so. He told me that it really wasn't until 2.5, maybe a bit longer, that he came back fully. I'm not trying to scare you or bum you out, but we're all different. You've made it almost 1 year, so in the scope of your whole life, one more year really isn't much, although it probably seems like it. I'm old (40) with kids, so time slips through my hands like water. Which can be be good and bad, depending.

So I think part of this process is coming to terms with what we think should be vs. the way things really are. And being stoned all the time certainly promotes the former idea to an unhealthy degree in my opinion. Personally for me, my mind has reacted with extreme cynicism and fatalistic thinking, but this too is a lie. The truth is in the middle and remember, even sober, healthy, well adapted human beings lose sight of this fact on a fairly regular basis, so with our brains in healing process at the moment, it's going to be a challenge.

Hang in there Helen, you will be fine. You know the old cliché: "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Well you've made a major change, so shyte is changing, big time. And it's not on you're schedule and it's not going to be predictable and that's tough. But I think you're tougher and im pretty sure that deep down, you KNOW you are. You haven't come this far and accomplished the things you have in your life by being weak. Keep that right in the front of your mind in these trying times.

Take care
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#89

Postby dhae2604 » Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:09 pm

Hi helena youre not alone. Im 1month ahead of you, still feeling the same as you. One Thing I notice almost all here symptom is 'anxiety' its all this anxiety affecting our emotions etc. I got drunk today hopefully it doesn't affect my recovery... Hi there Cali very well written advice, thats deep :D
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