ready to give up giving up !

#105

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:33 pm

Thanks Mary, I think so. I appreciate your kind words. I haven't been impatient in a very long time, but I'm wanting this process to Move along already!Trying to breathe deep, but some days are a pillow to the face. We'll get there...
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#106

Postby Bagobones » Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:37 pm

Cali-Detroit wrote:Today is 2 months on the nose! 4/4/18 was the start day for me, so I suppose I'm feeling almost a little...hmmm.... something, some sort of feeling I think, hard to say. but seems to be in the positive neighborhood of emotions.

Stay up and keep pushing...dare I say it seems to be inching towards "better"? Could be... :D


ooooh, sh**, is the scary "optimism" starting to show its face?

hehe. congrats on 8 weeks dude. Love your humor. Nice and dark.
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#107

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:42 pm

Thanks, Bones, I gotta laugh or...well you know that old cliché.

.I looked up that yoga, wow, intense! I may need a slower/easier entry level type deal, but I can see how awesome that could be. You must be shredded!

I only have 2 little ones, 3 might just kill me, lol!
When our son came along 2 years ago, it was and is like triple the work of just having our little girl. That math really fked me up. Two kids = twice the work as one, right? NO!! And he's way crazier and Wilder than our sweet little daughter ever was. They will definitely be smarter than us I'm sure, and we're no dummies. Other than the two decades dope habit, but I won't dwell on that, or try not to.

2 years in August, wow, good for you. I can't even imagine what that's like. Really, though it seems impossible. But there you are, and so many others. Thanks for the stories and insight, very appreciated.

PS. Are you in the Scandinavian countries somewhere?
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#108

Postby Bagobones » Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:44 pm

Cali-Detroit wrote:Thanks, Bones, I gotta laugh or...well you know that old cliché.

.I looked up that yoga, wow, intense! I may need a slower/easier entry level type deal, but I can see how awesome that could be. You must be shredded!

I only have 2 little ones, 3 might just kill me, lol!
When our son came along 2 years ago, it was and is like triple the work of just having our little girl. That math really fked me up. Two kids = twice the work as one, right? NO!! And he's way crazier and Wilder than our sweet little daughter ever was. They will definitely be smarter than us I'm sure, and we're no dummies. Other than the two decades dope habit, but I won't dwell on that, or try not to.

2 years in August, wow, good for you. I can't even imagine what that's like. Really, though it seems impossible. But there you are, and so many others. Thanks for the stories and insight, very appreciated.

PS. Are you in the Scandinavian countries somewhere?


3? Nope! If it only was that easy. I was 21 when I got my fourth and last. Its actually one of my girls thats the wild one. Still is. But she is also most like me, so I understand her. A real daddy's girl. My son is super chill. Always was. I think having 3 bigger sisters does that to a poor boy. hehe.. He is living in the golden state now. He had a few years in Cali growing up, and just wanted to return ever since. He was 17 when he returned to his beloved Cali and Maui...

Yes I am in Norway. HUGE nanny state, so 4 kids was not that hard money wise. And we get up to a year paid maternity leave. I was an freefall instructor in an airbourne army troop when they where small, so my job kept me with adventures during the day. Sleep was a real luxury back then. I was not daydreaming about money, power or fame those days, but an 8 hour night of sleep was a million dollars for me. Glorious sleep. In a bed without at least 2 kids coming in to ocupy my bed with me during the night, demanding water and trips to the bathroom...

I am getting bigger thats for sure, but not that ripped eighter. Yoga kicked my a*s. I was shocked after the first time. Its harder physical, but not as much pain as the board sports or the fighting. The yoga girls looks so sweet, cute and skinny, until I saw my teachers back during her downward dog.. Talk about ripped.. hehe. I say go for it. California is full of good shalas (studios). That will make your lady proud of you too.. :)

Your doing all right. I am very confident that you are going to beat this like Mike Tyson in his first matches.. I know timelines is important for people in your position. It seems for me 1 year is avarage for hardcore stoners. And that time flies. My biggest tip appart from the regular eating healthy, work out and all that, is keep busy. Keep your head busy so you dont dwell and sit and feel every little feeling.
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#109

Postby Cali-Detroit » Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:17 am

Great advice, I will heed it for sure. I'm jumping on the recumbent bike in 5, for real this time! Not just talking about it. I plan on some beginner weight work outs as well. Discipline is not a strong suit here, but I'm committed to this.

Four? FOUR!?! At 21?!? Oh man, you had every right to be high, dayum! That's intense...it makes your story even more impressive. People like you and your wife are superhumans in my estimation. Or a little crazy. Probably a bit of both. Definitely masochists, got to be :D

One year...one year...one year...I keep saying it, seeing it, trying to get to that space in my head. Does not compute. No adult stays sober for such a long period, do they? Is it even possible? I want to believe, I do. Truly. Belief is almost as foreign as discipline to me. I'm going on faith. Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm coming back as Norwegian in the next life, that's all there is too it. That's the jam, you people got it figured out. You ever see "Lilihammer" with Silvio from the Sorpranos? We watched it on Netflix here, but I think it ran on your state TV didn't it?

Peace
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#110

Postby Bagobones » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:12 am

Cali-Detroit wrote:You ever see "Lilihammer" with Silvio from the Sorpranos? We watched it on Netflix here, but I think it ran on your state TV didn't it?

Peace


No I never saw it, but I passed lillehammer by train the other day. I watched Sopranos. Awesome show. Steven Van Zandt was a local star here those days. But I remember him mostly from those really f*cked up July days in 2011 in Oslo.

You know sometimes life just decides to take a baseball bat to your head and say f*ck you to your plans and goals for the time being.

I was finishing my morning routine with coffe and joints, when I heard the loud explosion.
It was a nice chill summer morning. Life was getting really relaxed, being home alone with one of my twin girls.

I met her (my daughter) in the kitchen, with the most insane look in her eyes. Mom is down there she kept screaming to me, absolutely hysterical. It took a few seconds before I understood, as high as I was. The explotion was a car bomb that had exploded 20 minutes walk from home. The city center looked like Bagdad on a bad day. The next 15 minutes until we knew wife/mom was alright, was very intense, but the relief was short lived. Her iphone started vibrating. Message after message of death and destruction started ticking in, as I watching my princess (calling her princess would make her mad, lol, hehehe) going into shock in front of my eyes. This situation was not mentioned in the dad manual, thats for sure.

The massacre of 22. july of 2011: Lonewolf (very low IQ, mental problems, right wing extremist, 30 something still living with his mom, never managed to keep a job) parked a van rigged as a bomb downtown, then went to a youthcamp on a small island 30 minutes drive away from our home, with a semiautomatic tricked out hunting rifle, dressed as a police officer. The resault was 80 dead, mostly kids 15 - 18 years old. Same age as my kids. All four of mine has some connection to it. This is NYTs article about the massacre that day.

A week later Steven Van Zandt had gotten his boss, the boss, to come join us and play music for us. Me, wifey and the twins was there. My twins got much darker personalities 22.7.2011.

You can see their song here. It was a very special liveshow in my life.

Using Haddy, a mixed black/white woman to host the show, and the swedish Iranian Laleh as one of the main artists of the event was ment as a big f*ck you from Oslo to the violent neo nazis of the world.

The moral of the story is hug your loved ones every day people, and even though your struggling, try and make someone smile and laugh a little today. Do not hide what you love, share it. Make someone feel a little special today, some of you cant controll your own moods right now, but you can still bring happieness to others.

Because you never know what the day brings..

Hope you are doing good cali_detroit. Sorry for highjacking your journal anxious_mary!
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#111

Postby Cali-Detroit » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:02 pm

Oh yeah loved Tony and the gang. Saw every episode and rewatched the whole series a few years back. Always stoned of course, so I imagine I'll burn through it one more time in a couple more years and it will be (almost) new again! :lol:

Damn dude, that was quite a story. I remember reading about that, but to hear from someone who was there, how it actually affected the lives of people there, that crazy. These massive tradgedies really take on a different tone when you actually have people you care about in this world. Wickedness abounds in all corners of this tainted world.

I remember 9/11 and how different the world was after that. I was living in Detroit and my clock radio went off and on came public radio (I can't be woken up with that godmn buzzer/beeper ugh). I thought I was dreaming. I flipped on my little 13in TV to the news (very poor at the time) and actually saw the second plane crash live in the other building. Maybe I'd grown up watching too many action movies in the 80s, but I didn't process it as real. But it was. I was in my early 20s at the time no kids, no attachments, a bit of a nihilist and starting to sink pretty deep in depression and addiction.

It's strange, history is replete with many, many examples of the uncompromising brutality of humanity. These two examples we're discussing just part of the larger tapestry of misery. Its no fkn wonder we turn to drugs and alcohol and religion and distraction of all manner just to survive. I suppose we just stay close to our loved ones and appreciate each moment for what it is. Laughter and music have always been my greatest healers, something which quitting weed has quite robbed me off at the moment. Hopefully my enjoyment of both will be returning eventually.

Good news, 67 days so far! Plodding along...
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#112

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 5:20 pm

Hi all.. haven’t written for a bit so thought I would give you all a little update. It’s been 11 weeks tomorrow sober and I am feeling almost human !! Anxiety is now very manageable fog has almost lifted depression gone, sleeping much better, all in all things are coming along nicely. P.A.W.S is a bitch that’s for sure but it does go/lessen eventually you just have to keep pushing through. Would love to know how my amazing support networkers are getting on. You have all made this journey so much easier and I can’t thank you enough. I’m still around if ever you want to chat so please feel free to lean on me as I have all of you. Xx
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#113

Postby Cali-Detroit » Mon Jun 25, 2018 1:21 am

Hi Mary, how are you?

Working on 80days here, hanging in there. Very very mild improvements, but progress nonetheless.
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#114

Postby helenadoc » Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:41 am

Hey guys. How r u doing? I know i haven't posted for a while, i tried to focus on life i guess.

I'm 8 days away from my one year mark. Things started to brighten up a bit, very slightely, 'till a week ago when a problem emerged and apparently i can't deal with stress. Like at all. It clouded everything, fell back into anxiety from which i almost got out of. Anger, depression. Crying again.

Last night i got drunk. I tried to solve the problem which hovered in my head. I kinda did it, giving the fact that my inhibitions were lower and i could talk freely. Baaad bad idea. I slept 6 solid hours and i woke up with the feeling like i didn't sleep at all. I'm anxious all over, my muscles got tense again, my mind is like....blank. I'm moving around the house like a trapped mouse. Full PAWS in my face. And again, i'm feeling that this is never going to end....i'm feeling like sh**. I think i lost 2 kilos this week.
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#115

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Thu Jul 12, 2018 6:52 pm

Hi guys it’s been a while ! Helenadoc sorry your feeling bad again, I know what you mean about not handling stress well I do everything Ivan now a days to avoid stress as I struggle to cope to. Cali-Detroit go you, what an amazing job your doing, must be over 100 days now ! I think I’m at 15 weeks on Saturday although I’m losing count now if I’m honest. I have been very lucky my PAWS has gone now it’s been over a month since I last felt bad, all I can say is keep with it because one day soon you will look back on all this and think, was that really me, did I really feel that bad. It seems to go as quick as it started no warning just disappeared over night. Apart from all of you my biggest help was to see a councillor and talk through all the crap I hadn’t dealt with over the years because I had masked everything with weed, it’s cost me a small fortune, although nothing compared to what I have spent on weed over the years, if I could get that money back I’m pretty sure I could buy a house without a mortgage!!! Just keep pushing through and don’t give up I promise you will get to the other side and it’s so much better. Helenadoc avoid stress like it’s the plague but if you can’t brake everything down into tiny bits and work your way through one step at a time and keep breathing slowly all will come good, your over a year now and that’s bloody amazing. Cali- Detroit you too, don’t give up and be proud of how far you’ve come because I for one am very proud of you . I’m sorry I haven’t checked in for a while but I will each week from now on(more if I can) write to me whenever you like xxx good luck friends xxx
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#116

Postby Cali-Detroit » Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:21 am

Hi Mary, glad to hear ya!

Well done, you're really making it happen. So happy to hear that. Well over 100 here for me now. Good days and bad, but I'm hanging.
I feel like I'm in an alternate dimension at times, but I'm trying to hold on. I think this first year is just going to be very difficult.

Doing my best, hoping that's enough.
Take care!
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#117

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:12 pm

Keep at it Cali-Detroit you are doing it and I’m so proud of you, keep remembering how far you’ve come, how sh** every minute was at the beginning compared to now. You’re right this year is difficult but every day that passes is a day closer to being over all this. Thinking of you and wishing you well xx
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