ready to give up giving up !

#45

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue May 15, 2018 5:28 pm

Just Mary,

Sorry to hear about the anxiety, that can't be fun. I'm glad your getting some help for that. Can you see a head doctor at all? I've found that can be helpful, and absolutely no shame in it at all.

I'm at 41days myself, so I think tomorrow is 7 weeks? My math stinks, so I'm just counting days, lol. Keep strong, you got this.
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#46

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue May 15, 2018 8:37 pm

Hi helendoc.you are so sweet thank you so much...I'm sure you are right and things may well get worse but as much as I hate that thought I'm ready for it ! The drop in centre was not the nicest place I've ever been, when we arrived there was a young man shouting and swearing whilst being escorted out of the building and if I'm honest had my husband not been with me I would probably been straight back out the door !! I'm grateful for the advice though and am thinking of paying and doing this privately as I'm not much of a group chatting sort of person ( except on here..he he)..yesterday was one to one but if I go back it's all group meetings !
How long have you been sober now and how are you feeling? Wishing you lots of support all the way from nearly sunny England..! Xxx
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#47

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue May 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Cali-detroi..41 days..go you, you're doing brilliant..keep up the good work..how are you feeling ? I am seeing a councillor as well I started that a good few weeks back, once a week. She helps too dealing with stuff like loosing my dad and just everyday family/work stress...problem is all this stuff adds up and it's not cheap but I guess that's the price I have to pay for making such crap decisions in the first place. Let me know how your getting on mate xx
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#48

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue May 15, 2018 8:45 pm

Sorry, my last post I meant "Hi Mary". Not just...that came off rude to the others. Autocorrect wins again! :lol:
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#49

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue May 15, 2018 8:53 pm

Hey Mary,

I'm doing better, thanks. Still rough but getting through it, you know how it is. We're moving to Palm Springs in a few months, so there will be much better medical care than in our little Podunk mountain town. I'll be seeing a counselor and hoping that will help.
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#50

Postby helenadoc » Tue May 15, 2018 8:54 pm

I hit 10 month on 10th of May :). 10 days prior to that i felt amazing, almost completely normal. Feeling love, joy, sort of connection again...that's the thing i miss the most. I had energy, it was really good. On the 10th of may i fell back into paws..anxiety, depression, ruminating...but it was nice to have that 10 day breake of this hell.
Things now are bereable. From what i noticed i'm having a lot less anxiety now, i guess it decresease after a good patch. Depression is still present, but again, at a low level. But before i got those good days, i had a week of crying and suffocating. Things got waaay worse before it got better.
Now i hope that time will pass and the good days will finaly outweight the bad.
I would lie if i say there hasn't been an evolution. It has and it is almost tangible.
That is why i'm telling you that it will mostly pass.


I smoked for 2-3 years only, not like most of the people here and i hoped that it will take less time to recover, but apparently i'm in for the long run :D. Apparently we have some strong weed here in Romania :))) at least from what i heard from my friends who went to amsterdam and said it is similar or even better :)))
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#51

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue May 15, 2018 9:11 pm

Helendoc. ...I would never have known you was from Romania your English is absolutely amazing !! 10 months plus wow good on you that's an amazing achievement you should be really proud of yourself. It doesn't seem fair that you have suffered PAWS so badly when you only smoked for a few years but it seems you are through the worst of it and I have my fingers crossed for you that you are. Off to bed as I'm exhausted. Keep fighting and thanks for your support xx
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#52

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue May 15, 2018 9:16 pm

Nice work, Helen, that's awesome, 10 months.
At what point did you notice significant changes? I'm hearing 6 months is a milestone marker for many. I'm counting the days, literally
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#53

Postby Anxious_mary_420 » Tue May 15, 2018 9:24 pm

Cali-detroit.im so rubbish at this whole technology thing..I just wrote you a reply from your last message to me but it's not appeared so I'm guessing I cancelled it instead of submitting it !! What the difference between quick reply and post a reply..hehe sorry having to ask !!
I was saying how amazing it is that you're moving to Palm springs and how jealous I am. It's always beautiful when I see it on the TV. ..warm and sunny...you need to take lots of walks along the beach and drink in that lovely sunshine.
I'm glad your getting through it but wish you wasn't feeling so rough keep pushing through..here whenever you want to chat. Off to bed now it's 10.30 pm here and I'm exhausted xx night
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#54

Postby helenadoc » Tue May 15, 2018 9:25 pm

Thank you Mary, i apreciate it :D yeah, that's one of the problems...i don't feel proud at all. I don't feel like i've done much. Maybe because i thought i'll be good by now. I was very dissapointed of myself, i hated myself and felt so guilty for putting me and my family trough all of this. I somehow overcome those things..though not entirely.
I'm going forward. Is the only thing that i can do that it will make a change :)
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#55

Postby helenadoc » Tue May 15, 2018 9:42 pm

Cali, 6th month is indeed a milestone. It was a shift from the state that Mary is in right now, to the one that i'm in right now. To put it in other words...i had a full month of feeling really good. In the 7th month i felt better and better everyday. I could literally feel my energy and motivation, feelings, everything increasing day by day. I even started to think that i'm getting out of the woods.
But then paws hit again with 2 full blown panick attacks and anxiety and depression came back...but it was different. I felt a bit more powerful towards them. It was easier to manage them sort to speak, i felt some power underneath them that made me...i don't know how to describe that feeling...strong i guess.
Of course i had days when i thought i was getting back to square one, but it passed.
When i say it gets bereable i mean it. That's when i started to sleep like a normal human being, to eat proper amounts of food with real appetite...not just the need to eat to survive.
And then i had good days and bad days..but even the good ones were not good enough. Not like these 10 that i told you about, when i felt i was starting to really live again.
So hang in there. I know it's like the worst nightmare right now, but in time it will transform into a bad dream..and i hope it will be a beautiful one eventualy. Those 10 days of mine proved me that it is possible, it is within us, it's not lost.
My best wishes to you. Feel free to ask me anything :)
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#56

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue May 15, 2018 9:47 pm

That's great news Helen, I'm glad to know there is a light ahead. I do miss my routine of the old ways at times, especially being a grower and having access at all times. But that was part of the problem too. Irmts a struggle but I'm glad to hear there is good things ahead. I'm not looking for miracles, just small improvements as I go. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it. It's very inspiring.
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#57

Postby Bagobones » Tue May 15, 2018 9:50 pm

helenadoc wrote: Apparently we have some strong weed here in Romania :))) at least from what i heard from my friends who went to amsterdam and said it is similar or even better :)))


No its not.. haha..I know Bucuresti and the weed culture there... :) its getting better, but not even remotely close to the clubs in Spain, The coffee shops of Holland and the med weed of Colorado, Oregon/Washington state and California. And I am talking about the medical weed in Romania. The really good stuff in Romania is grown in Holland and imported. I know, I use to work for the people growing some of the medical weed that was shipped legaly to Romania. And doctor, if you have not been stealing stuff from your university, you have not tasted that weed..

Anyways, hope you are doing well doctor and Mary. And sorry, this is about quitting and rehabilitation. not strongest weed ever..

And yes, what I supernice place Romania is.. Love it. 15 euro tickets from here with wizz air.. :) I recommend it to anyone interested in traveling...

The difference for you youngsters now, espesially in the places I mentioned, is the weed these days.. damn, its a whole different drug than the 90's BCbud in Cali and Canada, the super skunk of uk or the moroccan hash of spain. The plants are gene manipulated hydro monsters now. The THC levels are through the roof. And you can eat it, dab it smoke it in 100000 different ways now. I am a bit scared for todays 15 year olds that begins with this mad weed with youth brains.
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#58

Postby helenadoc » Tue May 15, 2018 9:57 pm

That will pass too :D i didn't really had cravings, only once or twice. When i say cravings i mean that feeling of needing to smoke.
But i did think about weed, especially in the days when i felt better. I was thinking if i could ever smoke again, or what would happen if i smoked right now. Or if i was taking a walk and i would see a nice, intimate place i would think about how nice it would be to be able to smoke a joint.
At around 8-9th month those thoughts have dissapeared. Even now when i felt soo good, it didn't even cross my mind. Plus, when i see my friends at school smoking from time to time and see those tiny red eyes, lashed out faces(i don't know if it the proper describtion :D) and they go quiet and forgetting their thoughts in the middle of a sentence, it makes me stay away even more. I don't like that anymore and i somehow can't believe that i stayed like that for a couple of years :)
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#59

Postby helenadoc » Tue May 15, 2018 10:06 pm

Bagobones, like i said, it's what i heard..i don't know for sure. But what i can assure you is that we don't have medical marihuana. It is illegal in any form.

I did an experiment at university with my biochemistry teacher and she was very frightened that someone would catch us :)))

I agree with what you said about spain. I smoked some from a friend who brought it here and it pinned me to the couch. My head was in all over the place, but my body was petrified :)))

I know it's not about tbe strongest weed, but like you said, the THC amount is waaay high and that is the main problem. I fear for those teenagers too, but maybe in a couple of years people will recognise that weed it is addictive and it causes withdrawal. It is already stipulated in the psychiatry DSM , but no one wants to believe it...
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