Defense-systems kick in when friends aren't outgoing

Postby WardenEternal » Sat May 12, 2018 6:18 pm

The first paragraph pretty much sums up the entire post.
So back to me. I feel envy and resentment towards my friends once they've hung out with someone else and no longer feel like spending time with other people. This is almost always the case with me since my whole life. I'd have good friends, we'd hangout, they/I want to hangout again but they end up spending time with other people and I'm the only one out of all my friends who still feels dissatisfied with not having enough "us" time. After everyone has had their fun and I didn't, I feel forgotten which logically I know is not the case. Or is it? There's nothing I can do but annoy my friends even more to hangout. Another problem is I end up spending my entire days hung-up on waiting for the next hangout rather than being able to focus on stuff I want to do. Everyone else enjoys their days on their own and I'm dissonant with contentment.

This may seem like they're toxic people, but this is only my side of the story. The people I'm talking about are the ones that tell me they love me as I do them.

Old post
I'm trying to understand why I feel resentful whenever my friends are "sated" with having hung out with other friends. Sometimes they just had some fun with me and others, and they later on text another hangout session already. Before the next hangout session, they already spent time with someone else apart from the group and are in turn, difficult for me to talk to and text as well as try to set up that session we talked about.

What happens is they make up some random reason why they can't go. Basically avoid confrontation and are misdirect. Then they also seem bored texting me and talking to me as well. Or at least, they send me a maximum of 5 or so texts for a few consecutive days before they want to start talking and hanging out again.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 12, 2018 9:20 pm

WardenEternal wrote: This may seem like they're toxic people,


Because they don’t want to hangout with you on your terms? Nothing you wrote sounded remotely toxic.

You use others to avoid pursuing independent goals. You use your spare time waiting on them. This is self-avoidance.
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#2

Postby WardenEternal » Sun May 13, 2018 5:42 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
WardenEternal wrote: This may seem like they're toxic people,


Because they don’t want to hangout with you on your terms? Nothing you wrote sounded remotely toxic.

You use others to avoid pursuing independent goals. You use your spare time waiting on them. This is self-avoidance.

I tried thinking about what you said but it doesn't really seem fitting to me. In the past I was socially deprived (Went to school, stared at the teacher for a few hours and went home). Being a foreigner, I tried to talk to people in groups, but I had issues fitting in because of the language and my communication style (humor, etc)).

Sometimes now I feel like I'm going to lose my friends over a stupid thing I said or awkward thing I did or any other small action. It's hard trying to not associate irrelevant things with the actions on their end (such as not feeling like talking to me).

Right now in this moment, I'm at ease (for the most part) with my feelings for my friends, and so I'm really eager to work on my own hobbies such as writing.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 13, 2018 5:52 pm

WardenEternal wrote:Right now in this moment, I'm at ease (for the most part) with my feelings for my friends, and so I'm really eager to work on my own hobbies such as writing.


So your ability to pursue an independent goal is attached to or mediated by your feelings of social acceptance. You wrote in effect, "If I'm at ease with my social feelings, then I can work on an independent goal."

This is very limiting. It greatly restricts the kinds of goals and complexity of independent goals you can pursue in life.

Does that make sense?
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#4

Postby WardenEternal » Sun May 13, 2018 6:30 pm

Yes it does. It didn't use to feel like this though. Back when I was alone I was able to work on something every single day or quiet often. Only times I broke away from a hobby was when slight inconveniences came along such as school starting. Only time I was completely stopped from something is when a major inconvenience, an injury, stopped me from working out in any shape or form all together because every athletic activity I did required my wrists or feet (gymnastics/parkour).

I'm trying to get back into the rhythm of working on skills like I used to but they keep breaking after one day. Sometimes, like you said, my issue seems to be the emotions on the social thing, other times I lose interest in my hobby. And I don't know if that's a normal thing. Because I've been through multiple hobbies. Writing, drawing, gymnastics, parkour, wood working, crafting, attempted programming.

I apologize that I trailed into another issue I have. But simply put, how do I not let my emotions get in the way of hobbies/friendships and is it normal to be passionate about something and then not the next day?
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 13, 2018 7:19 pm

WardenEternal wrote: But simply put, how do I not let my emotions get in the way of hobbies/friendships and is it normal to be passionate about something and then not the next day?


It is very common. It is increasingly more and more common in the digital age in societies where poverty is at historic lows and options on how to use any available leisure time near infinite. Too many choices and instant dopamine make it hard to regulate emotions. Social media is a a huge distractor. Maintaining focus is becoming more and more difficult.

Adjusting is not easy. A useful metaphor is that of losing weight and getting into physical shape. On the surface it seems pretty easy, eat healthy and exercise. Yet we struggle with this simple process because of our base physiology. Our brains receive signals as we crave sugar, salt, muscles are sore, etc. Regulating or overriding these emotions is not easy.

Regardless, that is the solution. You learn to self-regulate by deliberately taking steps to "rewire" the mind. Same as our overweight person, it doesn't happen overnight. You take slow, deliberate steps that scaffold your progress. In social terms it means taking steps to disconnect from social media, establishing boundaries, etc.
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#6

Postby WardenEternal » Mon May 14, 2018 5:24 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:

It is very common. It is increasingly more and more common in the digital age in societies where poverty is at historic lows and options on how to use any available leisure time near infinite. Too many choices and instant dopamine make it hard to regulate emotions. Social media is a a huge distractor. Maintaining focus is becoming more and more difficult.


Well speaking of social media I had a little mental rage fit about my friends sitting on their phones the entire time I walked with them because I wanted to talk. Since I wasn't heading home my way (I go with them their way until they get on the bus then I go my way) but I had an urge to leave since no talking was going on and only texting with other people. Since I don't use my phone other than for phone calls to family, I just stared at them the entire time using their phones. I assume I was in the wrong for being angry at them for such a thing so I just remained quiet about my opinion. After all, everyone these days texts night and day 24/7. Is the healthier way to go about this is to confront them about it or just to forgive?

Adjusting is not easy. A useful metaphor is that of losing weight and getting into physical shape. On the surface it seems pretty easy, eat healthy and exercise. Yet we struggle with this simple process because of our base physiology. Our brains receive signals as we crave sugar, salt, muscles are sore, etc. Regulating or overriding these emotions is not easy.


This actually makes lots of sense. It reminds me of the time when I first started hitting the gym and I did research about sore muscles. All advice were to follow my self-set routine to the gym despite excessive muscle soreness. It was really tough to overcome but now everything is fine. To me, in a way, it's sad to see average people don't have a strong enough will for many things, even for something simple such as refraining from excess chocolate or soda.

Thank you for being such a helpful person on this site and not just to me but also to so many other people on here. I appreciate the help and advice you give :)
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon May 14, 2018 7:10 pm

WardenEternal wrote: Since I don't use my phone other than for phone calls to family, I just stared at them the entire time using their phones. I assume I was in the wrong for being angry at them for such a thing so I just remained quiet about my opinion. After all, everyone these days texts night and day 24/7.

Is the healthier way to go about this is to confront them about it or just to forgive?


Confront them? Forgive them?

If there is one area where you could do yourself some long term good is to forgive yourself...to confront yourself.

It is like you are a vegan and are upset that people are eating meat in front of you. How dare they? Should you confront them or forgive them for not being a vegan? They aren't doing anything wrong. They grew up eating meat, their culture eats meat, they believe in eating meat, but you get angry at them?

People have grown up in a digital world. Texting and being on the phone is the norm. Confront them, forgive them for doing nothing wrong?

Just because someone doesn't believe in the same things you believe in is no reason for anger, confrontation and blaming them for your negative emotions. That is your problem, not their problem.

Instead, confront your own problem. Learn to forgive yourself. When you choose a different path in life, e.g. becoming a vegan or disconnecting for the Internet, etc. then it is your responsibility to appreciate the life you have chosen.

There is an appropriate way to express your beliefs, to live your beliefs without getting angry at others or feeling wronged because they don't adopt your same beliefs.
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#8

Postby Candid » Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:52 am

WardenEternal wrote:I had a little mental rage fit about my friends sitting on their phones the entire time I walked with them


I would, too. A one-off call for a specific reason is fine, of course, but if I were walking out of my way with someone who preferred to talk or text the whole time with someone else, I would consider my presence superfluous.
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