Help me learn how to stop arguing when Ive wronged someone

Postby Bobbodabbo » Wed May 16, 2018 2:15 am

I have this thing where I instantly defend, argue, and even lie when I’m confronted or criticized. Please help me. Are there any resources or tools you can give me? I haven’t done anything to change and I need to know how to. When my husbamd says why did you do this? I immediately say I didn’t. Or that’s not what I said and on and on till it’s a huge fight about how I’ve just approached it!! It’s such a destructive waste of time and I desperately need to learn to break the habit. It feels like I don’t even think! It just is my stupid brains reflex. I’m at my lowest point and I really need some advice. What do I need to do to break the cycle?
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed May 16, 2018 7:10 am

When you're asked why you did A, B or C it's bringing something up perhaps where you felt blamed or at fault, maybe from your early life so you hit back with denial or deflect it back at your husband, 'the accuser'. Why do you think accepting you were wrong or responsible upsets you so much that you react in the way you do?
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#2

Postby DrPsychFeels » Wed May 16, 2018 7:05 pm

Inability to take criticism usually stems from an inability to accept ourselves.

It may be helpful to talk with someone or at least journal about what is it about you that you're uncomfortable with.

Could be because of anxiety or maybe shame.
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#3

Postby Hamming » Sun May 20, 2018 8:41 am

I like arguing with people. But I do not lie if I know I am wrong.

About lieing
  • I have learned in the childhood that it is bad, sin.
  • I hate lieing people, it makes world worse place (unless lies are jokes of course, and they it is clear that it is a joke)
  • people who lie are relatively easily detectable, especially if they lie often. Even if they are not detected for current lie, you cannnot know 100 % if he does not lie because of his lieing history. And you lose respect, people hate you.
  • if you constantly lie people do not trust you, and they have to check constantly if you are not lieing. Or they cannot have relationships with you.

So lieing is bad and first of all - you need to not do things which you could not safely admit you are doing.
There are some things which are not bad things, but it is a shame, to admit true, in those cases I avoid talking about it or make a joke.

But I like arguing, especially because I hate lies. Even if man is thinking he is not lieing, but he is lieing, I want to prove to him he is not right.

But I have learned that this is not good in most cases. So here is how I try.
- I have put on wall the rule how to deal with this - smth like "if it is not important for that person then do not argue". That way I see it and try to remember.
- I think - do I want to make more friends? The answer is yes. So that is my motivation for not arguing.
- Internet is good place for arguing - forums for example. So you do not have to lose friends. I sometime go to news website and anonimously tell everything whats on my mind, not only arguing but just lot of insulting words to other commemorators. I do not mind that much when they say back at me, somehow it does not hurt when some anonimous people tell something bad about you, I then argue that I am not like he thinks,and use my imagination to insult him more than he insulted me.
- if you do not believe that arguing is bad, I then suggest reading book "How to win friends and influence people" - this book made me believe that arguing is bad at making friends. Even if you win an argument, that does not mean you win a friend.

Thats my tips.
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#4

Postby SerenityAndWellBeing » Mon May 21, 2018 9:21 am

I appreciate your will to solve your emotional issue. It is just that: you name it a "brains reflex", i agree with that, it is caused by an emotional pain that tells your brain to defend yourself in that way. It comes from your past in family about how you saw that conflict, confrontation, critics were managed. It is possible that you saw your parents arguing and having these reactions. It is possible that you were blamed and criticized for wrong reasons. All these experiences brought to the feeling that confrontation and critics cannot be constructive but will always cause pain and suffering. So now you have this automatic response to them as a defensive mechanism that of course make relationships bitter.

What you need to do to solve the issue is to cure the underneath pain and emotional wounds.

The best suggestion that i can give is to work on that with therapeutic writing. It has proved by many studies to be able to heal deep wounds. You just write your deepest emotions for 10 - 15 minutes a day. It will hurt at the beginning because you are opening the emotional wounds. But after you will feel better.

Another great resource that you can use is Eft: just type "eft fear of confrontation" "eft fear of critics" on youtube and you will find great video exercises to work on it.

I wish the best luck to you!
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