The Breakup

Postby KateLeigh » Thu May 17, 2018 3:38 pm

Hi this is my first post ever and I just wanted top hear some feedback from you guys.

I have been dating this guy that I met at Uni for a little over 2 years. Everything has been fine but I had a falling out with my ex-roommates a while back and I always feel like he ends up hanging out with them and it would always push my buttons and start arguments because I felt that if he spent time with them it was basically condoning their behavior towards me. He didn't exactly go hang out with them and nothing shady is happening there but his guy friends would always end up there. I had never seen him extremely mad and only saw him contagiously happy a few times. Today, my parents even recall never seeing much emotion out of him.

The third to last weekend of school consisted of an argument, and the last two weekends his family drove in to visit and explore. I have not had any one-on-one time with him until the night before my exam so I thought it would be a good study break to eat and enjoy the nice weather. We went out to eat and we just sat there and ate quietly and when we got home I initiated the "breakup". I did not necessarily want to break up but I have pointed out where I feel like he's just going through the motions before and never seems happy. He has mentioned feeling sad for no reason in the past but it was only once or twice. I was definitely frustrated that he seemed so distant. The conversation floated into a break-up because I feel like he needs to prioritize his happiness because I love him so much that I want him to be happy, too. He would not exactly call it depression but he has gotten to the point where he says he is tired of feeling this way and even said he has felt "numb" before. We broke up and I took him home. He said he stayed up and sobbed to his parents over the phone. His mom says that he has showed signs of depression since he was in high school but she was never able to get him to speak to someone. She's glad that I have opened his eyes to this because now he is willing to. He says he does not know his triggers or why he feels sad when he knows deep down theres really no reason for him to be feeling sad because he loves me. I did not see him for a day or two and he asked if he could come say goodbye before he returned to his hometown. I said if its not going to hurt you more then we can. He came over and we hugged and cried for half an hour.

Its been really confusing for me because he tells me he loves me and that I should not wait but he says I am the type of girl that he wants to end up with. He says that once he finds himself that he is going to give me everything that I deserve. I am frustrated because I want to wait for him because I do love him and I definitely realize that more now. Others say that his lack of consideration for my feelings and hanging with my "enemies" proves he is immature and not ready. I just am scared that he won't be able to find himself until after I potentially move on and find someone new. I am also scared that I will make the wrong choice. If I wait for him then he will move on without me, and if I do not wait for him then he will wait for me. I guess that is just life.

He wants to keep in touch because he believes it will help him get better quicker, along with talking to a specialist. I want to talk to him but I just do not want to initiate anything because I feel it brings all the old memories back to me. The weirdest thing that has happened so far.: He was hanging with his friends the other evening and posted something that another girl was in and told me that "she's just a friend and before you see it I just wanted to let you know. And she's dating my friend." I looked her up on social media that evening and she's not in a committed relationship with anyone at the moment. I asked him about it and he said that it was his other friend and she must've not have been in the picture but the girl in the picture is "hooking up" with his friend. He said he is not lying too me and that the girl is with his friend and he cannot even consider dating or anything right now. It was sweet of him to tell me that but I feel like there was a white lie in there somewhere. I know who she is sort of and I know he would not do anything with her but I don't understand the shadiness I received from that.

Based off of this information do you think he is coming back to me eventually when he finds himself? Obviously, I should do my own thing and not wait around but it is hard when someone who has been a big part of your life for the past 2 years is no longer there entirely.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu May 17, 2018 4:26 pm

KateLeigh wrote: Based off of this information do you think he is coming back to me eventually when he finds himself?

He will come back if and when he is done not finding anyone better than you.

It isn't about finding himself. That is a nice rationalization that we all use...and we all believe. It isn't at all a lie, but more of a nice deception that couples use to make a breakup easier. One person usually takes the role of needing to find themselves, which really means they are not happy in the relationship and want to experiment with other potential life paths. It can be mutual, but usually there is one partner that takes the lead role in needing to find themselves.

The finding of oneself rarely starts with immediately jumping in a new relationship. Instead, most of the time the person explores a few other paths, taking a trek to a new country, joining a volunteer organization, etc. Eventually, they begin to reflect and the question becomes, "Was the life path with you the one they want?"

He wants to keep in touch, because there will be high points and low points and you become the fall back position. If no better life path comes along, if no better relationship presents itself, then they come back with the claim they have new found clarity in life, they apologize and recommit. Alas, they found the grass was not greener on the other side.

Obviously, I should do my own thing and not wait around but it is hard when someone who has been a big part of your life for the past 2 years is no longer there entirely.

Yes, it is hard. Don't wait. Don't be the fall back position. Don't let him engage in other relationships while you wait. You can still care about someone and be life long friends, but don't be the person waiting on anyone to find themselves.
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