Narcissistic mother/saving my siblings (LONG)

Postby linxo » Fri May 18, 2018 12:07 am

Ever since I was about 12 years old I realized there was something really off about my mother. I never really knew what it was, but her behavior was odd. I understood she was going through a lot at the time (losing the house, my father being emotionally abusive,etc- but even before 12 there are multiple occurrences that I remember of her having mental breakdowns and acting very strange like locking herself in the bathroom with me, I was around the age 6? we were still living in my grandmothers house, her mom, who she has always fought with)

At the age of 12, I became "popular" in middle school. I believe this is what REALLY brought out her odd behavior. She LOVED that I had tons of friends. She would always tell me how much prettier I was than everyone else, and how I needed to be friends with the "cooler, prettier girls" I was pretty chill, I was friends with EVERYONE because I didn't see myself as "better" than anyone- so this is why it sparked the idea in my head "why does she care so much?" She would always, ALWAYS get in my head and tell me how to handle ANY situation-without me asking! She read my texts every 15 minutes, then proceed to tell me how to respond if she had an input on what me and my friends were discussing. If my friends were messaging me about stupid middle school drama, my mother would literally get herself involved as if she were me and grabbed my phone out of my hands and responded! This really caused A LOT of drama against me because my friends thought it was me responding that way- and it was VERY unlike me, the things she would respond

Unfortunately, I could not tell my friends it was her :
1. It would make me look like a freak (if it were me now, I totally would say it was her and I had no choice)
2. When I got upset with her doing this, since it was ruining my friendships in some cases, she would threaten to take everything I had away, delete my socials, shut off my phone, ground me, and text all my friends that I had done something and she would tell me she would embarrass me if I even tried to tell anyone it was her posting on my socials or texting

This really screwed me up because I didn't know boundaries at this point, I completely ignored the fact that it was wrong and accepted it as normal.

(Side note:This would explain why at the age of 14 I was in an abusive relationship with a guy who was narcissistic and controlling- who pointed out that my mother was crazy and a narcissist, and of course at the time I was like wtf no she isn't, but now looking back I understand WHY she hated him so much, not because he was abusive towards me BUT because he kept me from being that perfect social popular girl I once was. At the time I wasn't aware his behaviors were wrong, I was 14 and very naive and thought I was inlove. My mothers reasonings for why she didn't want me with him was never "omg honey you need to break up with him being he's hurting you " She never once asked if I was okay or how I felt in the relationship, She only ever told me I was letting myself go and I had no friends and I needed to break up with him so I can live my life and get back to my social life and friends)...

She continued this behavior up until I was a SENIOR and 18 years old. Reading texts, responding, telling me how to literally live my life and how to deal with situation... but ONLY ever SOCIAL situations.

When I turned 16, my mom told me I needed to figure out everything myself, which is ironic because when it came to socials she felt the need to "teach" me how to handle situations and how to act. I was expected to make my own appointments, go to my own appointments, etc etc. I UNDERSTAND I NEEDED TO LEARN, BUT I had to learn how to do this all myself which can be VERY confusing if you have never made appointments before especially when it comes to insurance, filling out paperwork, copays, etc (I'm 22 now, my bf is 26 and is JUST learning how this all works, so no not everyone had to learn at the age 16 lol so I am thankful because I DID learn myself)

There has been SO much inbetween since I was 12 up until now, being 22, that has happened. I was expected to figure out how to handle and pick up Christmas, Bills (due to my family being in hard financial situations, my bf and I have helped out for years now because my mother gets into depressive states of mind and just "boycotts" because she says noone cares so why should she. in regard to my father also not being a parent or supportive)

Recently, my dad was injured during work about 4 yrs ago and just yrs ago his cases were ended and won, which gave them some extra money to find a new house, have a little more financial freedom but of course, she blew through the money like nothing.

Now, another case just closed and they have some money to fix the house they were able to get, but they are now running through that as well. My mother has absolutely NO self control what so ever. When I question why this happens, she just turns and tells me I have no business asking because It's not my money, not my house, etc. BUT my boyfriend and I wined up bearing the burden of their backed up bills, etc. so thats why I ask because it falls on us anyways.

I am struggling with how to properly HANDLE this situation. I DO still live with my parents, but I am 100% able to move out. I stay for my younger siblings (sister is 17, brother is 12) I absolutely cannot allow them to deal with my mother alone after all that I've been through with her. I have only stated some of the situations I've had with her but there is so much more dealing with emotional and physical abuse I cannot handle writing here. I do NOT want my siblings dealing with that ever but now that my sister is 17 she is going through what I went through, in the same exact way. My brother WAS my moms "golden child" (he was planned, as she likes to say when we joke and say he is her fav) BUT recently he has been having trouble in school and In a way I feel as though my mom feels like he is embarrassing her because the teachers keep sending letters home that he is going to fail for the year. My mother has never once helped him, or any of us, with school work EVER so I understand why he isn't doing so well, he really has no support at home and noone to look up to since his parents really don't do anything.. my mother has never worked a day in her life and my dad is disabled...I can only do so much as his sister, but I try my best.

I am at my breaking point with her, but I cannot give up on my siblings. They don't deserve any of this and I can't imagine the pain they are going through inside. Just today when my mother was freaking out on my brother, he yelled :I just want to kill myself" which hurt me to my core. I know he is dealing with so much with school and my mother talking down to him that I can feel his pain inside. I said the same thing at his age when my mother treated me this way, and attempted suicide at 14 from all of the stress put on me from my home life and her. This is why I feel so strongly about staying for them. I know that they need me and God forbid anything happens and I'm not there, I couldn't live with myself.

My boyfriend is also tired of her, and I feel terrible for even having him here with me but he refuses to let me deal with this on my own. He knows I just want to be here for my siblings but emotionally, this is hard on all of us. Hearing the cruel things she says, dealing with her erratic behavior, trying to "fix" the drama that occurs. It shouldn't be this way. If I could, financially, I would take my siblings with me and raise them myself, but that isn't optional right now. My only options are staying and helping them get through this mess, or leaving for my emotional wellbeing, which seems extremely selfish and I don't feel comfortable doing that. I don't want them dealing with this for the rest of their lives and having it affect their decisions and emotional wellbeings, I just want them to love themselves and be happy.

All answers are appreciated and I will take in any advice I can get. What would you do in my situation? I am at a complete loss for words. Thank you in advance.

**ALSO, I am a very spiritual person and I do believe everything gets better. Emotionally, I am not depressed anymore. I have learned to see the better in every situation no matter what, except for this. Nothing has been harder than dealing with my Narcissistic mother. I pray everyday for an answer, I use the LOA to bring better days to all of us, including my mother.. but sometimes it gets hard when all she wants is chaos and negativity. It can be very discouraging when you just want the best for everyone, even the ones who hurt you the most.**
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 18, 2018 12:52 am

It is not clear what issues you believe you need to handle.

Does your mother control and post social media for your siblings?
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#2

Postby linxo » Fri May 18, 2018 12:58 am

I'm asking, how do I proceed and handle my mother. My siblings are unfortunately gongthrough the things I have gone through and the few instances I have described. Since I am the oldest, I feel the need to save them from her and her manipulation/ abusive behavior. I'm sorry if it wasn't fully clear in the post-my head is all over the place with this situation.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 18, 2018 1:32 am

linxo wrote:I'm asking, how do I proceed and handle my mother.
...my head is all over the place with this situation.


That is why I am asking about specific behaviors you want to handle. It is hard to wrap one's head around a broad concept like abuse or narcissism. It is much easier to target and then handle specific behaviors you believe abusive.

I'm also curious about your self-beliefs regarding personal success. You said you are capable of leaving. Is this because of the relationship with your boyfriend, i.e. you can stay with him...or is this in spite of your boyfriend, i.e. you are gainfully employed and have the financial capacity to support yourself and successfully navigate the workforce and the world in general?
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 18, 2018 7:33 pm

I should have checked your previous threads. You’re a hit and run poster since 2015 with the same problems.

Move out.

You are now using your siblings as an excuse, as a crutch to keep yourself stuck. You are no help to your siblings when you are the role model that stays. In the future when you advise your siblings they should move out they will say, “Why? You stayed.”

Now imagine you tell them you stayed to help them. They will see through your excuse same as it is easy to see through it in here. If you can’t handle your mother, if you can’t focus, if you can’t wrap your head around the problem, if you can’t handle your own issues in life, if you can’t move away, then it stands to reason you can’t help your siblings.

The best thing you can do for your siblings and for yourself is to be the adult role model that moves out.
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