What the hell am I and what am I doing?

Postby Guess what? » Wed May 23, 2018 9:06 pm

Hello everyone.
I'm a 22 years old boy, I'm virgin, and I had my "fist long term story" months ago. I mean, it was just for 2 weeks, but the way was that.
I have been alone in my life, no many friends, no girls that are really interested in me; i read many articles for Lookism and i understand that my value is poor.
Except for this one. Now it is end and I don't mean to have her back. Just let me say: She looked for me and she was really determined to know me; for 2 weeks I was really happy, even if she was a little bit strange and annoying, but I was fine.

Then I kissed another girl. I told her this fact and She dumped me up saying "I'm not ready yet. let's be friends" but I didn't want friendship from her. For a month nothing, I tried with another girl but this wasn't really caught, and then I saw she again. The next day we talked a lot, and She said that she still have something for her Ex (an ugly oldman, she is 20 ) and she was confused on what she wanted. I asked to try again but She refused 'cause she had a lot of problems.
The next day her friends told to me that She came back with her Ex, probably for money (She was in trouble), I was mad, I let her to see me with another girl, but then I called her to tell that it was clear that She didn't give anything about this.
She said that wasn't a true story with her ex in that moment (not true, but then she dumped up him too) and she says that I confirmed that she can't trust me anymore. I throwed away my pride and prayed her to give me just another chance, She said that I could do whatever i want, but she was cold, so I gave up after 2 days.

One day she said to my friend that i just disappointed her really much with that kiss with the other girl. Then i refuse to have a friendship with her, and I tried to humiliate her with a pun, but i don't succed. Then I said the pun to her, in private, and she really get mad. She said that my pun was on about a serious thing (i didn't know), that I'm nothing, I'm a jerk and it is her fault to spend time with me. Now she doesn't even say "Hi" to me. I said that she was exaggerating 'cause nobody heard what I said (even if before i tried) and that she knows that I care about her and I didn't want to hurt her so much, but she is mad and said "let me calm down"

This really hurt me sometime. I really care this girl sometimes, but sometimes I'm really angry with her. I don't know why, maybe because she didn't give me another chance, but i can't blame her. it's just my fault. I hate myself to do not show her that she can trust me, I hate myself to throw away my pride to say sorry (so she sees me like a white knight, a poor little kid), I said horrible things.
But sometimes (by someone) I think that she was just trying me, probably she doesn't care much like me for the start, and this make me angry but with less guilt feelings.I don't know, I'm so confused; probably I care so much because she is the "first", i'm so immature and emotional. Or maybe I'm envious 'cause she don't want me anymore and I don't really care... I don't know, I'm so sorry to have done these things, but she made me so angry.

Can somebody told me what the hell is happening?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed May 23, 2018 9:37 pm

Guess what? wrote: Can somebody told me what the hell is happening?


You said it accurately, you are emotional and immature. You screwed up and so got rejected. It hurts. It is painful.

What you are experiencing is very normal for a young amateur at relationships. As you gain more experience you will mature and hopefully not make the same mistakes.
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#2

Postby Guess what? » Thu May 24, 2018 10:26 am

I hope so.

Other girls dumped me but mostly cause they were not really attracted..
Uff my mood changes radically and quickly since i was a kid.

I would not want that this scares people. There are many boys that are bad guys and still wanted.
But i can't be really bad, mostly i go in white knight mode. And i hate this
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#3

Postby Guess what? » Fri May 25, 2018 8:13 pm

The fact is that having the group of friends in common I would not want it to condition the thinking of others who in fact lately seem to me more cold.
In the end, the wrongs I did to her are:
1. Having kissed another girl
2. Having told her that I wanted to come back to her and then show up with someone else
3. The joke.

Other small errors are:
4. show me caught up in the relationship.
5. Tell her that I felt like a boy who she wanted to pluck.
6. Do not talk to her when we saw each other.

But I did not act in pure malice, in fact the reasons for the wrongs:
1. None in particular. Only I understood that she did not accept me for what I am and there were problems about sex (i can't get boner).
2. I said it and thought it. The next day they told me that she was back with the ex for the money. What should I think? She told me that I could talk to her before, but she could tell me that she was with her ex again, but with what courage could I tell her "your friends told me that you came back with him for money?" in fact, I have always skipped "the money thing" . Or maybe I should have done it, I should have "your friends tolde me, etc."
3. I could not know, I was still referring to a particular scene that has captured the attention of many and also others when they asked me about it I have always defended her (but this she does not know or did not understand). Then it's not that nobody can't notice it.

motivations to errors:
4. It was true, I was taken. She was the only one who saw me in that way.
5. She was much more "predisposed" to have sex when I offered her dinners or drinks. Then I told her that I was not referring only to money, but that as I was kind and gentle everything was fine and I was a "fantastic guy with a big value", then she wanted to close by a mistake. And I'm not just referring to the girl's thing, she wanted to close a little earlier because we had a fight in phone and I did not answer her anymore for a night.
6. She told me that she left me for one reason and others said for another, I felt teased. Also I would like to stay away from the girls who dumped me up because I know that I'm going to do the white knight, and I've also confessed this. what a shame.

In short, then she is free to tell that her previous romantic relationships have been oppressive, that she wants a serious boy, etc.
I can not say to people that I am a virgin, no one was interested in me for years, no one has ever wanted to be my friend, I have social problems, I suck because I'm not beautiful and all these things.

It shows me like a worm who tryed to take a revenge on a person who has nothing to do with its past .. and maybe it is so.
Maybe I had to calm down... With what courage I reproached her for being back with the ex if then I also saw and heard again with the same girl with whom I "cheated" on her.
I do not know, sometimes it seems that he just wanted a short story, but somehow she makes me feel bad because she understands that I'm caught.
Then, the things said after the joke hurt me so much. She was angry for what I did and said (like the social climber thing); she still made me feel bad when she told me that I'm not worth anything, that I was a poor deluded to believe that I could go back with her (because she sometimes told me that she cares) and that she is wrong to wast time with someone like me. More the threats of kicking my bottom.

I mean, I was always the one who tried to rebuild something, I always crawled from her and I hoped until the end.
I've always been close to her, I tried to do it again and even later I gave her a birthday present of something that she told me in the days of yore (i remembered that); why she was " wasting time"? I mean, it is proved I gave everything to reconnect.
Surely I deserve it, but I feel very bad and the chances that now the group treats me bad is very high because in any case she is in the right side and still have her back story to tell them. I thought to take some days from them and today I said hello in chat but like nobody cares. I'm really scared, i don't want to lose everything once again.
Sorry for the outburst.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 25, 2018 8:29 pm

Guess what? wrote: I thought to take some days from them and today I said hello in chat but like nobody cares. I'm really scared, i don't want to lose everything once again.


Stop thinking in vague, general terms, like "them" and "everything" and "nobody".

Specifically, what are you trying to accomplish? Set specific, actionable goals that you are wanting to achieve.
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#5

Postby Guess what? » Fri May 25, 2018 9:48 pm

I don't know, it sounds so bad. I don't want they like her more than how they like me. But impossible, most of them are gay (i'm not) so they get along better with a girl than with me. She don't even attend so much these guys before she started with me and now I feel like I'm gonna lose them 'cause they like her so much and, since i'm the worm here, they don't have more consideration of me. Probably she don't even talk about me, i don't think she's that kind of girl, but I can't bet on it.
Probably I did a mistake by disappearing these 4 days.

If you mean with the girl. Nothing. The situation made us suffer much, the relationship is lost, I still care about her (not like I fell in love) but I don't think that I or her can forget all these troubles.
Like we say in Italy "it was better when it was worse". When she dumped me up I was unhappy, but "free" I payed for my mistake, I was hoping for her return, but I didn't do all these wrongs and she wasn't coherent in what she sayed and did.
Now she pratically on the right side. I just wanna forget her, flipping this page, but it is kinda impossible if I keep seeing her. Sometimes when I was drunk, I caressed her to sending a message, that I was jealous and angry, but I still care a bit in that way. But I think it isn't the same for her, once she caressed me too, but like for teasing me 'cause I forgot my phone or something like that, the same night that I said the pun.

If you mean with my life. Just normal life, have a job (i have right now), doing my aestethical surgeries 'cause your form matters (i'm working on it), have few close friends that like me for how I am (i dubt right now), with the other people that respect me (nope), have being worryless (nope) and with somebody who loves me (nope.)
Seems like a dream, but not necessarily with extremes, i mean it is normal to not being alright with all people or have worries, but not so weight like they are now.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 25, 2018 10:52 pm

Guess what? wrote: If you mean with my life.


Yes, I mean life...because you seem to be absorbed and wasting a ton of time, distracted and overthinking this "group". There is much more to life than this group.

Goal One: Your career. What is your focus, are you looking to advance, to get a promotion? Or do you just go to work and go through a routine without passion?

Goal Two: Assuming "aesthetical surgeries" means fitness, that is good, but are you really focused or not really? You say you are "working on it" which sounds like you are not actually disciplined in this area.

That's it? Those are your only goals in life? You don't have any desire to accomplish anything else in life?

If you don't have any purpose other than seeking positive social approval it is understandable why you experience anxiety or stress. It is understandable that you are scared of "losing everything" if how you define yourself is based 100% on the approval of other people, more specifically this small group of "friends".
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#7

Postby Andrew12 » Sat May 26, 2018 7:49 am

love
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#8

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 8:41 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Guess what? wrote: If you mean with my life.


Yes, I mean life...because you seem to be absorbed and wasting a ton of time, distracted and overthinking this "group". There is much more to life than this group.


I think this is all. Where in your life there was nothing, i think it's normal to be focused in this standard things.
More than one years ago I get really mad 'cause I was humiliated by a girl, so i decided to isolate myself, and accumuling money for surgeries. I have past an entire year alone, working hard, and in the end trying again with other girls, ending horribly. After an year, my best friend recontact me and so I decided to spend time with him once again, and now I found this group of friends.

People aren't suppose to be alone, i don't wanna be alone. Is there anything wrong in this? I know there is more of this, but I think I'm not interested in "more".

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Goal One: Your career. What is your focus, are you looking to advance, to get a promotion? Or do you just go to work and go through a routine without passion?


I don't even be hired definitely.
I worked in a determined postation, like a routine without passion, but it was great for me. Now i'm not there anymore.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Goal Two: Assuming "aesthetical surgeries" means fitness, that is good, but are you really focused or not really? You say you are "working on it" which sounds like you are not actually disciplined in this area.


I'm just working on my face. My family do not support me on this, this needs money (i have enough to get a rhinoplasty) but even a scheme since i don't have a stable job. I did a first visit for my nose, and in july i have another one for my jaw. It needs time too, it's not so immediately.
Nowdays I'm more "lazy" about it, but still convinced to do it. One year ago it was everything for me.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:That's it? Those are your only goals in life? You don't have any desire to accomplish anything else in life?

If you don't have any purpose other than seeking positive social approval it is understandable why you experience anxiety or stress. It is understandable that you are scared of "losing everything" if how you define yourself is based 100% on the approval of other people, more specifically this small group of "friends".


I don't see what's the problem. I don't think i'm the only one who want to be loved.
I don't like much this kind of speeches, sounds like "give up where you failed and try something else".
I mean, i can even try to be focused on other things, but will I really satisfied if i don't really be catched on it? I had hobby, but my thoughts have been always on this way, since I was 13 if i remember well.

I don't catch what's the deal about the topic then. This morning I woke up again with guilt feelings about that girl.
Are people jerk since when they born?
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#9

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 12:01 pm

I can't see anymore her whatsapp pic.
Probably she blocked me, or just deleted my phone number.
Thursday she and the group went out to drink something, I'm sure she explained the situation and they must have told her to forget me. I'm sure of this.
She said me she have to calm down days ago; now i'm just nobody for her? Like for everybody.
What a crappy situation. I'm crying like a stupid little girl, damn it.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 12:41 pm

Surgery will not fix your issues. Don't waste your money. Fixing your nose or jaw will not change how people treat you.

You need to seek a professional therapist to work through your low self-esteem.
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#11

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 2:33 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Surgery will not fix your issues. Don't waste your money. Fixing your nose or jaw will not change how people treat you.
.


Many people say the contrary.
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#12

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 3:10 pm

Guess what? wrote:Many people say the contrary.


And they are wrong...unless...and this is my guess...that these people are saying that altering your nose/jaw will make you more symmetrical and physically appealing. In that case they are probably correct. Surgery can make people subjectively more attractive.

But, that doesn't fix your problem. Your problem is largely mental. You will get a temporary boost from surgery and then a few months or a year later will still be battling with low self esteem.

You need to address the low self esteem first. Once you have a handle on that, then using surgery to improve your appearance is better managed.
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#13

Postby Guess what? » Sat May 26, 2018 7:31 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:And they are wrong...unless...and this is my guess...that these people are saying that altering your nose/jaw will make you more symmetrical and physically appealing. In that case they are probably correct. Surgery can make people subjectively more attractive.


Mmh, no. It's proven that if you are hot, even if you are timid and full of problem, girls want you so bad. I can think on about those jerks that are like this 'cause they have not self esteem and so reply with anger against everybody, but still wanted.

Or that guy that was arrested, and then, when realased, hired as model 'cause he is really hot. I mean, look counts so much that even offenders are forgiven. While if i do a pun I have to be forgotten like a bad dream.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:But, that doesn't fix your problem. Your problem is largely mental. You will get a temporary boost from surgery and then a few months or a year later will still be battling with low self esteem.

You need to address the low self esteem first. Once you have a handle on that, then using surgery to improve your appearance is better managed.


Sure I have that kind of problem too. But I mean i don't think it is born from nothing. I can have self esteem but who guarantees me that I will have outcomes?
There are so many people so full of theirself and still see as ridicolous by others. Maybe they live well 'cause they don't care, but still have not a woman, have not friend, have not respect. Living like a Chihuahua that believes to be big and scaried but get smashed every days of its life.

Sorry for the retoric figure.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 26, 2018 7:53 pm

Guess what? wrote:Mmh, no. It's proven that if you are hot, even if you are timid and full of problem, girls want you so bad.


Okay, if that is what you want to believe. There are plenty of subjectively ugly men that have married subjectively attractive women. But, hey...you go enjoy a miserable life as a timid guy full of problems that wants to be hot. See how that life works out for you.
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