Eating My Own Flesh

Postby Kasper » Wed May 30, 2018 12:12 pm

I want your thoughts, Keep in mind I am sound and sure of myself. Also, I am a very caring and loving individual to the point I don't even kill spiders that trespass my slumber. I think there is a saying "beware thou who spareth the spider" IDK I think I made it up lol. Im to a point that Im 4th dimensional, Skitzo, too smart for smart, or what have you. I see myself as a God, a Deamon, an Angel, a Corpse, Alpha and Omega with the occasional Zeta, lost, found, and rewound. Dead, Alive, a follower, a deceiver, a lover, a killer, a healer, Broken AND Whole at the same time. All at the same time. ONE CONSTANT I remain fearful and unsure but for how long.... My only worry, well yours :) I hate and love everybody, strange.... Enough introductions. Hope you like Fkd up as much as I, you can analyze me if you want.

Im 27yo, untill I turned 14 I was pretty normal. This was the time I really came into my own. I struggled with girls so I started to Imagine the struggle returned. This Is as far back as it goes, promise. Then one day I saw this young girl who rode my buss and damn was she cute, no way I could ever have her, she was too prittey and 10 years too young if not younger. Im giving myself the benefit of the doubt but I remember her being 8 >.< hly fk. I fantasized so much I fell down a rabbit hole of gore, murder, and rape that has never changed to this day. This however is not the interesting part.

I have burned this into my mind, fixing me is like fixing gays :) I have never hurt anyone nor would I ever BUT, I do play with the Ideas. I Imagine walking out on a trail, seeing a young girl all alone I grab her and tell her to follow my lead and she will be safe. I walk her to nowhere and take everything from her. Then I would comfort her, Like WTF? Build a relationship on abuse, nice >.> with a child. Sometime its chains in a basement and lots of blood, or choke to death, resuscitate, repeat for max suffering then make it all better with kisses. Sometimes completely dead, destroyed and erased. I want to destroy something beautifull! what is that? If I did I know I would be sick, But, there is a small part of me for the worst. when nothing is left, where I will feel nothing, when I can no longer heal, when I cant erase myself. How many are real enough to admit they feel the same.....

I like control, I dont mind being controlled if im aware, we can share

There are times, purely on destroying something beautiful, pure evil I would imagine Just chopping little girls to bits :) Its quite evolved :P Its all to numb the true evil I see all day. My dreams used to be rough, like trauma rough. the eye is the eye is the eye connected to the brain choking the heart starving the brain killing my soul. reminds me of a song by Tool called Vicarious. Its reveling about us all. some of us are just more honest than others you know? I break a rule doing this. Sometimes doing somthing is waaaay worse than doing nothing. Thats a warning. You dont walk up to a dog and be like OH MY its teeth are sharp lets cage it! dude gets his face mawed off. Let sleeping dog lye, Let me sleep.

On the subject of sleep im tired, of life, im out of tether. Strange as it may sound im ready to die and I would go sacrificing myself for somebody. even weirder, I would love to be a social worker, teacher, child psychologist. I dont like kids getting hurt. I had a woman who I told this kind of stuff to. She has a little girl, she freaked. Her and I were together for a very long time. Now shes evil lol. She let me act out some of my psycho crap in bed till she grew a conscience. I still took advantage of her and she was little enough. I was concentual. I never hurt a girl and she got over some trauma so we both won. It helped I should say. She got raped a few times dumb Btch. Last time was when she was mine, swear it fkd me up more than it did her. PENNENCE! LOL w/e If I need any help at all its getting over that A hole or rather all the crap she put me thru. Im salty AF still. Two little girls I want the world for and she took one with her, that hurt the most.

If ever I find someone again should I tell her what I am? she would figure it out i hope. I say I hope because I dont want an Idiot for a lover. Really just wish I had a friend who was on my level. The only one I ever knew is Dead! We were of the same mind, He was the most loyal friend anyone could have. Trust is comfort. Im over this, any questions feel free to ask
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#1

Postby Kasper » Wed May 30, 2018 12:13 pm

Kasper your a freak, I hope you burn in hell
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#2

Postby Mustafa » Wed May 30, 2018 2:59 pm

You're probably allright. Like you said you fantasize about bloody girls to numb out the evil you see. You said you are considered shizophrenic, I was too, the health department is authoritative, even the police. They overload you.

I used to brain choke heart which starves brain, and Allah challenged me, i accepted the challenge (i even saw a miracle, a morning star). I accepted to headbutt the wall fearlessly, i'm still headbutting but now i'm tired and i feel squeezed. Like biting off your hand starts to hurt.

I had a relationship with a sick girl once for 3 days with benefits, thats it. I started mastrubating seriously in age 25 because i was denied privacy and to mastrubate for medical purpouses.


I used to wish to die, even be sacrificed, but now i'm getting finally more happy. I'm 32. I'm learned helpless though now so i don't know what will happen in the future.
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#3

Postby DrPsychFeels » Wed May 30, 2018 6:28 pm

I would suggest trauma therapy. Google "trauma therapy" in your area and start making phone calls.

Not that you should be worried but this sort of fantasy abuse is usually repressed trauma.
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#4

Postby Kasper » Wed May 30, 2018 9:27 pm

DrPsychFeels, no Im not worried at all, Just wanted to hear what you all had to say. I have real issues to worry about.

Mustafa, I hope you overcome Allahs challenge. Funny thing about God/Allah/Vishnu(all the same to me) your suffering is your challenge. People decree "how can there be a god who would let us suffer so?!" therefore they say there is no god. I see god as everything. that being said, people don't realize is earth was never or ever will be a paradise. our paradise awaits us after death or perhaps we just wake up and exit a bad game we decided to play because paradise is so perfect that it is boring. One last thing i believe currently is that with our suffering comes our thinking, with our thinking comes energy to sustain the paradox that is existence. For a christian that paradox would be the holy grail, the blade and the chalice, on/off, yin and yang.

DrFeels, i have thought about repressed trauma but i cant come up with any. the trauma is just a shitty existence lol. it would be an oxymoron to say i don't repress anything tho im quite confident I dont considering I remember everything shitty I ever went thru and my childhood up till I was 7 was awesome. i think. and if im repressing something i don't want to know about it. my heads already on backwards so it would only make things worse. If I did repress anything I no longer remember what it was.
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#5

Postby Mustafa » Wed May 30, 2018 10:09 pm

Kasper wrote:Mustafa, I hope you overcome Allahs challenge. Funny thing about God/Allah/Vishnu(all the same to me) your suffering is your challenge. People decree "how can there be a god who would let us suffer so?!" therefore they say there is no god. I see god as everything. that being said, people don't realize is earth was never or ever will be a paradise. our paradise awaits us after death or perhaps we just wake up and exit a bad game we decided to play because paradise is so perfect that it is boring. One last thing i believe currently is that with our suffering comes our thinking, with our thinking comes energy to sustain the paradox that is existence. For a christian that paradox would be the holy grail, the blade and the chalice, on/off, yin and yang.

I made this post about God.
viewtopic.php?t=107049#p897818

I don't claim i'm like ... a God. Because Allah/The God is perfect, he is not a person but personification. He is the True Truth, not merely the Truth. It is known as Pantheism that God is everything. It is known as Panentheism God created everything (and is independent of it). Although this is like making olive oil, after extra virgin olive oil is extracted, it is not important to be a virgin in Islam, because the world is messed up for now and sh** happens to good people. Christianity and the old religions are extra virgin olive oil (like think Mary and Jesus whom we also believe in), with Islam the worlds Last religion being the final cheap (and poor) olive oil.

Where do you get your beliefs from? We muslims critisize desirably not Christians for pulling the human Jesus up to Gods inhuman perfection. The Bible is even messed up, moreover Christianity itself. You seem to carve your beliefs in stone, to your downfall (from heaven) because they can't stand the test of time and you do that independent of established Major theories.

There is so much we don't understand, even if there is no God and there is no God really, we (the Prophets) create one. A perfection. Because we need a center which organizes us, center is important. That being said, anyone can believe what he wants on his responsibility, indepent of what is logically correct. You benefit yourself and not (The external God Allah) by doing the right thing. I believe in rebirth though i can't remember any previous life, because its logical, based on established theories.

Peace
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#6

Postby quietvoice » Wed May 30, 2018 11:04 pm

Kasper wrote:people don't realize is earth was never or ever will be a paradise. our paradise awaits us after death . . .

Not necessarily so.

We can be " . . . turning the hell we created back into the paradise it once was before we got a hold of it."

From John Rose YouTube channel.
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#7

Postby Mustafa » Wed May 30, 2018 11:20 pm

I think both are wrong. Nature is meant to keep us down in an emotional chaos. We need surgery to remove the undesired parts of life, like trimming a beard or cropping a picture.
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#8

Postby quietvoice » Wed May 30, 2018 11:46 pm

Mustafa wrote: Nature is meant to keep us down in an emotional chaos.

What does this mean? Please elaborate.
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#9

Postby Mustafa » Thu May 31, 2018 12:03 am

quietvoice wrote:
Mustafa wrote: Nature is meant to keep us down in an emotional chaos.

What does this mean? Please elaborate.

Our emotional part of the brain gives us feelings, makes us feel good. The chaos in the world makes you get overloaded which is a hacking cheap technique, seeking even more to feel good, emotionally. So its a circle of emotions, as simple as that.

We need to do a surgery and crop undesired negative emotions and stuff, like hatred and gas/bensin and live harmoniously with nature - with not harmful technology. Not 'return' to nature.

ISIS is ideologically supported by Wahhabis whom wants to 'return' back to the old ways.

Did you understand me? I doubt i can make it clearer.
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