Anger control?

Postby Thanos18 » Thu May 31, 2018 3:45 pm

Hi all, new member here! I joined this website as I wanted to talk to others on how they control their temper?

Now, where do I start? I'm 22, 23 soon. Have a girlfriend who I love to bits, been together for almost 2 years and expecting a little one on the way!! I've always had a temper on me since I can remember, at school I used to get into fights with bullies & same at college because of me being autistic. I find it hard to get along with people, more so when I was younger but can make a few friends here and there. I have a part time job, get along with majority of the people on my department bar this 1 person. I lost my temper last week to her, calling her names effing and blinding here and there, over something stupid and silly. I almost lost my girlfriend because of it (We both work on the same department) which has made me come to this website for support. We had an massive argument, about us, the baby and work, she's scared that I might lose my temper when the baby is born with all the screaming and crying, I vowed to her that I'd never ever get mad at our little one. Since then we've managed to patch our relationship back up but she's still a bit worried, saying I should consider anger management classes or something similar, I'm saving my pennies for the baby when it's born hence why I'm not taking anger management classes. They can be quite costly!

So, what I'm basically asking for is ideas, suggestions or techniques on how to stay calm, take control of the anger & rage. How do you guys deal with it, if you do? I really need help because I can't afford to lose her or the baby!

Thank you all kindly. :)
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#1

Postby Mustafa » Thu May 31, 2018 6:17 pm

Hi.

I got a tip by @Leo Volont about Cortisol controlling temper, so this is a keyword you can research, if we take Leos word for it (I haven't yet).

Otherwise when i was younger than you, actually same age as you i asked online. They told me about Anger sarcastically are you a Maveric? An emo kid? All of the above? Then a guy with insight told me Pride (the reason to anger) is all well, but too much is not good for anyone.

To not be angry is to 'accept' humiliation. I can't accept humiliation speaking for warriors. So ... like warriors are either 1 Angry warriors 2 Peaceful warriors. If you are not an emo kid, and not an Angry warrior, not a peaceful warrior you should be a peaceful civilian. Growing a family and expecting a kid you can't be an emo kid, you are not allowed, it is impossible. Because your family needs you to be stable. You must choose one and sacrifice the other, 1 Family and woman 2 Celibacy/Prostitute customer and being a warrior.

If you chose to be a family guy, you must accept humiliation and make small progress, not get it all at one shot. When you get old and have worked your way into the system, you will recieve honor too late .

Don't get angry at petty things. 1 min anger can destry years of work. Small things are not worth being angry for, they yield little return and cost too much. So you are basically a tradesman, a merchant, buying for yourself your preffered lifestyle or class of humantype. And sacrificing what you can't afford. None gets everything, only God. Neither a warrior gets everything.
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#2

Postby DrPsychFeels » Thu May 31, 2018 9:42 pm

One mistake people make with anger is they try to control it. Or make it do their bidding and in doing so inadvertently shut it down.

Anger's not going to kill you. Sit with it and let it wash through you. It's a stress on your neurology, and if you lash out with anger then you simply have a difficult time sitting with that stress.
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:23 am

DrPsychFeels wrote:One mistake people make with anger is they try to control it. Or make it do their bidding and in doing so inadvertently shut it down.

Anger's not going to kill you. Sit with it and let it wash through you. It's a stress on your neurology, and if you lash out with anger then you simply have a difficult time sitting with that stress.


Dear DrPsychFeels,

You know, Doctor, that this IS an Anger Management Page. People come here because Anger is getting them into serious trouble. People lose their jobs over Anger. If they are Professionals then it follows them around for the rest of their Career that they are "difficult to work with". And every little bit of assertiveness with either a peeved tone or a voice louder than a whisper is perceived as an instance of "here it is -- he or she is going to blow again". Socially, if they were ever known even once in their lives to have ruined a party with Anger, then invitations will just dry up. Anybody who would want to give you a 2nd chance, but sees you frowning at the Water Cooler will think, 'yeah, I'm not inviting that surly troublemaker to my party". And, as far as relationships go, well, at first it will be possible to meet 'new' people, but after these new people meet your old "friends" and there is the least bit of talk, then even relationships can go sour, with just the first hint of a hard glare or a voice with an edge to it that "you really do 'fly off the handle all the time' and I better steer clear of him or her before IT turns to physical abuse. Maybe I should get a Restraining Order already!".

But then, Doctor, you come HERE, of all places, and make it sound like a Bad Thing if people can finally figure out a way to shut down their Anger. Doc, that is what they come here for! -- to shut down their Anger. And I can tell you, from personal experience that it is possible, and desirable to go through life without acting out emotionally.... making Scenes... throwing tantrums, growling at people, Whatever your opinion is of the way things are going, there is never a reason to wear your feelings on your sleeve, especially if it will cost you in regards to your Career Standing, you Social Standing, and in in regards to your Intimate Relations and Family Relations.

Now, about sitting with Anger and Indulging it as you recommend in your last paragraph. Well, Doctor, if you were really a Psychologist, which I must doubt, or you are a bad one, then you must have heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In terms of CBT if you are Angry at all, then it is because you are either misreading the situation because of cognitive biases, or you are conditioned to behave with anger when you would prefer that your conditioning were otherwise. If one does not like the Conditioning that makes one Angry, then one can Dispute such conditioning. One does not have to pursue a train of thought that will inevitably lead to angry conclusions. One can re-evaluate conditioned responses or habitual patterns of value judgement and Imagine new responses, and rehearse them and practice them, until they become the New Conditioned Response. Now, in this light, think again about your Advice, given here on an Anger Management Page, that people should "sit and stew in their anger". Really... you know, that is why I tell people who come to this site that there are good Anger Management Books and that there are some really poor Anger Management Books, and that is because, as you demonstrate, not all Opinions, by people who pretend to be experts, are in any way helpful, but instead would only set them up to get into even more trouble. Oh, you know Doc, in extreme cases, people even get tossed into jail and get felony criminal records because of their Anger. Do you want to be responsible for that?

The best advice you can give here is that if you are still making excuses for your Anger then you haven't gotten the point yet. Our biggest priority here is to keep the lid on at all times. Communicating anything else is setting up our Members to fail.
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#4

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Jun 01, 2018 12:35 pm

Hi Thanos,

Sorry, it took me a while to post a reply… I was out all day. But, yes, you do have an anger problem, and, no, as it is now you can’t be sure you will not be triggered into angry behavior when your little one comes along. And, you also have other things to worry about. You should realize that all the higher ups at Work are probably already looking to replace you. There is no way that you would not be now perceived as being a liability to the company. What you need to do now, urgently, as a measure of Damage Control is to at least SAY that you are actively seeking Anger Management Counseling (more on this below). Check your Insurance Plan… if you have any kind of Psychological Coverage, you really need to use it, even if it requires a Co-Pay. Remember, while nobody is telling you this, your Job is on the line. And so is your marriage.

Now, for some Instant Help. If you understood what our friend, a new member, Mustafa had been telling you, well, my core advice to new members who have moderate to severe anger (yours is moderate, thank God), is that they can “manage” the worst of it if they only learn One Trick, and that is to control their Cortisol. Now, Cortisol is the Fight Flight Freeze Hormone. It is released by a gland down at the bottom of the brain, close to the brain stem. It is released when the Brain evaluates Reality in such a way as to feel Threatened. But the thing about the Gland that pumps Cortisol, is that the more it pumps Cortisol the more it THINKS that it HAS TO pump Cortisol, that is, if you live a High Stress Life, then the Stress will only build on itself -- Cortisol begets more Cortisol. You have to break the pattern and put a stop to all that Cortisol.

Well, HOW? Here’s the Trick. Because that Gland that Pumps Cortisol is so close to the Mouth and Jaw Muscles, the first sign that Cortisol is being released is that your jaw muscles will tighten up… your teeth will clench, or even you will just notice that you close your mouth or your teeth come together when they are usually separated. When that happens INSTANTLY and CONSCIOUSLY RELAX your jaw muscles… open your mouth and breath your mouth and THINK “Whoa! That was close”. Now, the thing about that Cortisol Gland is that it is Closer to the reason why you were about to Flip Out and Blow Up then your conscious mind is. That Stupid Gland is typically AWARE of your changing mood then your Higher Faculties and Thinking Mind… by a couple of seconds. SO, you can’t rely on Controlling your Anger after the Cortisol has already been pumping for a few Seconds. You see, another thing that Cortisol does is that it actually INHIBITS your Higher Mental Functions (which is why the Coaches tell their athletes to keep their Emotions in check because an Angry Player is a Stupid Player). So, your Jaw Muscles will KNOW about your Anger even before you realize Mentally, that you have just been insulted, or that other driver cut you off on purpose, or whatever. All the times that you THINK that you blew up Instantly, well, if you actually go back and think about it, it probably took about 2 seconds for the Cortisol to ramp up and kick in. That is not much time, BUT, with practice you can learn to INSTANTLY recognize the Teeth Clench and then to INSTANTLY Relax and “Whoa! That was close!”

Now, of course, whatever happened to trigger the Cortisol , did happen, so you must be on the alert to Keep Calm and Stay Calm. You stopped the flow of Cortisol, but you have to continue on top of your feelings and perceptions of the situation. Instead of thinking “I was just seriously insulted” you should be thinking “Okay, THIS is what I have been waiting for, an opportunity to prove to myself and the World that I can stay calm no matter what. I am not going to let THIS push my buttons. AND I better keep breathing through my mouth. I just have to keep my voice low, soft and calm.

Thanos, really, this IS very important for you. Why don’t you please just scan down the last ten or fifteen posts and read the advice I have given to other moderately angry people like yourself. I recommend books to read, and I speak of various life situations, from which you can extrapolate. (I would write all of that now, but, its getting very late where I am).

Oh, and in regards to your counselling, well, if your Health Plan does not cover it, then get back with me and this Forum, and between us all (we have a core group of very helpful Helper Members who contribute to the Forum) we will keep you busy and on track with your Anger Management Work. Maybe you should get your wife to write in. One thing I could tell her is that people CAN and DO Change, BUT that it is more than an Attitude Change. We KNOW you have had your Attitude Change, and that you are Sincere, BUT that is not enough (though learning the Cortisol Trick can be pivotal for you)… it will take a lot of thought and practice to effectively Change the way you Think About Things and to Change the way you Habitually Behave. I call it the Three Rs – Review, Revise, Rehearse. For the Rest of your Life you must Review everything you Do and Say in terms of whether it is Helping You or Hurting You (and expressing Anger or making any Dramatic Scene always Hurts). Once you know from Review that you have a habit of Thought or Behavior that is screwing up your life, then you have to think about what you should be thinking and doing instead – you have to Revise how you think and how you behave. That takes imagination. That is why you should be reading Anger management Books – to give you ideas. Once you have an idea on what your new Thinking and Acting should be, you need to Rehearse – go over it in your mind again and again, so that the next time the Situation Comes up, you will be able to just Jump in and Think and Act as planned.
Now, a lot of people say “that is being a Phony and I want to just be myself”. Well, “yourself” was how you were accidentally raised to be. Nobody I know was raised by two parents who had PHD’s in Childhood Development. We were all screwed up by incompetent parents who were doing their best, but didn’t know what the heck they were doing. But that doesn’t mean we have to live with the results, does it? We can be whomsoever we want to be, but it will be like learning how to play the Violin – it will be scratchy and tentative at first. Only after years will your None Angry Life be fluid and flow naturally and pleasantly. Yeah, get your Wife to write in and I will tell her myself that you might have a few slips, but that if you Practice your Anger Management every day, that you will eventually master it. And this will clue her that she should monitor your progress. The best evidence is to always have two Anger Management Books on the night table – the one you are reading now, and the One you will be reading next. In Six Months you should have a number of books on your book shelf. You should be able to give your wife oral book reports (No, Honey, that one sucks because it talks about how Anger is sometimes healthy, but that is BS. You should look at this book because it goes into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has proven the most effective Therapy for Anger Management…. Blah blah blah. ) Show the Old Lady that you are serious and she will more readily give you the benefit of the doubt. You know, she hasn’t told you, but she IS thinking of going home to her parents. You really need to re-establish trust, and just telling her “it will never happen again…. Well, when the Girls get Together, that is what they all warn each other about. If anything, your “promising not to do it again” only raises Red Flags…

I got to get some sleep…. Good night, Thanos. Stay in touch.
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#5

Postby walterfung » Fri Jun 01, 2018 4:12 pm

Maybe I suggest some immediate action when you get angry.

I think when you feel angel. You are better go to toilet or any place where nobody nearby. You may punch wall, kick the floor, wash the face, etc at there. Try to make yourselves clam down first before you leave there. So, it may prevent you to harm others.
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#6

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:00 pm

walterfung wrote:Maybe I suggest some immediate action when you get angry.

I think when you feel angel. You are better go to toilet or any place where nobody nearby. You may punch wall, kick the floor, wash the face, etc at there. Try to make yourselves clam down first before you leave there. So, it may prevent you to harm others.


Hi Walterfung, Yes, in Anger Management, for those of us who are unsure of their ability to control themselves, making such quick retreats is an expedient we can resort to. However, the weakness of such a strategy is that you are still making a scene. Everybody knows why you are running away. It still clearly points to the fact that you are unstable and problematic. Everyone will wonder why you just can't behave normally. But, yes, it is better than making a horribly loud scene, or even to go into a public rage.

Anyway, anybody who is subject to such episodes of anger, even it it is as rare as once a year or ever six months or so, should make it a priority in their lives to learn the skills and methodologies of Anger Management. You see, among our families, work groups and our social crowd, people have long memories and they gossip. Even if you rarely succumb to a mean temper, that is what you will be famous for. "Watch out", your 'friends' will tell new acquaintances, "that guy is a hot head", but before they introduce themselves with smiles on their face... they're afraid not to smile. But then, after that, you will notice that they don't want to have anything to do with you.

So even a little anger can be a big problem.
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