Feeling lifeless after a breakup. Please help.

Postby berg101 » Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:06 am

Hi everyone

About three months ago my Fiancee of five years ended our relationship. We had just bought a house together and got a dog, planning our wedding and we'd talked all the time about having children, and so her leaving came as a huge, huge shock to me. She has some psychological issues that stem back from childhood, as do I - she would rather walk away than face the possibility of things not working further down the line. Since her leaving I have found out that she didn't want to end the relationship, she just basically wanted me to chase her and apologise for everything (yes, that's right, she wanted me to accept full responsibility for everything that had gone 'wrong'). I have some anxiety issues that I've been working on for the past few years, it takes time though and when I'm happy and fine, she was happy and fine - but if I have a bad day, she acted as though I'd completely ruined her life.

The relationship became very self critical towards me and made me feel like a child. She was incredibly narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and if I went against those things - you'd better believe she'd make me pay for it, either by verbal abuse or being dismissive and threatening the end of the relationship.

Fast forward three months to now and I'm trying to develop myself, my confidence is growing and I no longer go home worried that I've left some washing up to do, for fear it'll cause an argument between us. I'm trying to fill my social life as must as possible and it has been so nice to reconnect properly with my close friends, but I'm still really, really struggling. At home I have no motivation to keep the house nice and tidy, I really struggle getting up in the morning and taking the dog for a walk, I don't exercise or cook much anymore (something I love doing) and all I want to do is sleep. I'm seeing a therapist and she's said it will take me time, but I wondered if you guys can suggest anything.

I know the relationship wasn't right and can now see that I've had a lucky escape, but the issue is, I still keep blaming myself for it's demise - I feel incredibly guilty, I miss her and still love her and I still cry a lot. I'm trying to keep away from relationships for the moment as I have huge co-depenency tendencies and even though I'm only 28, these last three months have been the longest I've been single in the last 12 years - I jump from woman to woman to try and find that person that finally makes me, me. I now know that only I have that power, but it's incredibly hard resisting and the issue is, the longer I resist the more I start to think 'Is there actually someone out there for me? Will I find that person? What happens if I never do?'.

Bit of a background on me, I own my own home, I'm a very likeable person and very sociable and love meeting and connecting with new people. I also love to help people if I can - my co-dependcy showing through there.

I apologise in advance for the rather lengthy post, I just wanted to get it in there.

If any of you at all can offer some advice, I'd be eternally grateful - I just feel incredibly depressed and alone.

Thanks in advance.

Ben x
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 04, 2018 12:55 pm

berg101 wrote:but I wondered if you guys can suggest anything.

I start to think 'Is there actually someone out there for me? Will I find that person? What happens if I never do?'.


It sounds like you are recovering and on a better path. The suggestion I have is to focus on these questions with the express goal of recognizing that a life with or without someone are equally purposeful and enjoyable.

Consider the solitary life of a nun or monk. Do you believe they are unhappy and missing something in life? Consider the life of the solitary individual. Is their life of less value?

It takes discipline to devote oneself to a solitary path in life.
It takes commitment to devote onself to another person.
It takes wisdom to understand that either path has equal satisfaction.
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#2

Postby berg101 » Mon Jun 04, 2018 2:57 pm

Thanks for posting.

I can 100% see what you're trying to say and I agree with that, life should be no more less meaningful being on your own, but my entire life has been devoted to the thought of finding that one true person, that soul mate that I could be completely myself around, someone that would truly make me feel joyous every day and know that I can trust them no matter what. I know that deep down the only person you can trust 100% is yourself, but I just cannot pull myself away from thinking 24/7 about being in another relationship and being scared to death about getting in one in case I get hurt again.

Relationships and love are wonderful things, but they're also incredibly scary and I now feel like I'm weighed down by the weight of this past one and know the right thing to do is to take some time to myself, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't do that - I need women, I need love and I need intimacy.

I've been through breakups before, but nothing that meant as much to me as this relationship. Are there any success stories of people finding their true love after a breakup?!

Sorry for all the questions and the negativity, my mind at the moment is fighting against itself and unfortunately, the negative emotions are winning.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jun 04, 2018 4:47 pm

berg101 wrote:...but I just cannot pull myself away from thinking 24/7 about being in another relationship
and know the right thing to do is to take some time to myself, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't do that - I need women, I need love and I need intimacy.


It is understandable and normal. It is all you know. You have never really been solo, so how could you possibly think of any alternative? It is often difficult and uncomfortable to think about what you don't know, about things you have not experienced.

But, this doesn't mean you can't. You don't need.

If you found yourself imprisoned or a castaway on an island, you would adapt to your situation. All of the sudden the "need" of love or intimacy with a woman would lessen as your mind rewired to pursue and enjoy other aspects of life. People focus on spiritual vs. physical meaning in life. Your biology is a physical demand that added to your fortunate circumstances, provides you the luxury of access to intimacy. In other words, the mere fact you have the luxury to pursue intimacy is one reason you feel that it is a "need" when of course it is not actually a need.

Write down a list of goals you wish to accomplish in life that are solitary, that don't involve intimacy. Do you want to learn a foreign language? Write a book? Learn to invest in stocks? Start a small business? Run a marathon? Climb a mountain?

The only way to occupy the mind with other than 24/7 relationship thoughts is to engage the mind in activities that strengthen your understanding of the pleasures of getting to know yourself. Are you scared to know the real you?
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