Ticks every box

Postby Anonymous78 » Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:50 pm

Good evening.

Apologies for posting in this general forum but i could not decide which of the others to post in as there are elements of my problems that fit into all of them. Collectively, however, they are slowly tearing me apart.

I am just about to turn 40 but for my entire life I have experienced a combination of task avoidance, depression, fear of rejection, self loathing, low self esteem which I will try and explain in not too many words.

Task avoidance: I avoid anything that has the potential to be complicated or to not have a wholly positive outcome. This includes, but is not restricted to, dealing with financial issues which has resulted (and is currently resulting) in the potential for serious financial difficulties.

Depression: I have previously suffered depression due to bullying and the breakdown of relationships, and am currently experiencing it following the death of my father two years ago. i was receiving counselling for that however when my counsellor left her post i was told to consider going private (which i cannot afford) as the NHS service I had been using did not have the resources to continue supporting me.

Fear of rejection: I was adopted as a baby and while I had fantastic adoptive parents I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel that my life started at a point of being unwanted. This was reinforced when I got in contact with both my birth father and mother in my 20s - the former told me he had thought about me all of my life and wanted to stay in contact (but never did), the latter told me she had never tried to contact me and made me swear never to contact her again. These fears have spilled into romantic relationships where I tend to give myself too fully too quickly and end up getting hurt. That said I am currently in my longest ever relationship however in my quest to maintain it I have been guilty of repeatedly being economic with the truth for fear that if my partner knew the real me she would justifiably run a mile.

Self loathing/low self esteem: I have made many decisions in my life that i not only regret, but i hate myself for. As a result i feel i am the only person who truly knows the real me and - as a result - if someone does pay me a compliment, my first thought is "if only you knew!". There are many things in my life that I love but I am not among them.

I'm sorry for writing at such length - ironically, possibly my biggest problem is that I choose to bottle things up rather than talk about my problems - but I feel that unless I try and open up I am on the verge of losing everything that is important to me.

Thank you for reading this...
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:09 am

Anonymous78 wrote:I am just about to turn 40 but for my entire life I have experienced a combination of task avoidance, depression, fear of rejection, self loathing, low self esteem which I will try and explain in not too many words.

Focus on task avoidance. The rest are sub-issues, i.e. below the larger umbrella of task avoidance.

Set goals with realistic actionable tasks, e.g. you mentioned financial issues. And keep it simple. We often make things much more complex than they actually are. Finances are one such issue.

As you focus and accomplish goal 1, 2, 3, 4...998, 999, issues such as avoidance, depression, fear of rejection, self loathing, and low self esteem will lessen if not go away all together.

Some people are in such bad shape they can't accomplish the goal of brushing their teeth. If a person can't brush their teeth or conduct basic hygiene, there is no way they will be capable of handling a financial goal.

I don't know your particular skill sets, but you do. Write down your current strengths, write down your current abilities and use this as a basis to build. For instance, fitness is generally a great place to start. You know what you are capable of, you can set tasks that are not complex and that allow progress to be made in this area.

Where people often go wrong is setting themselves up to fail. They self-handicap by setting tasks/goals that are ridiculously beyond their current abilities. They can barely walk a mile without being out of breath, but set a goal to run a marathon. Of course they then feel depressed and have low self esteem.
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Postby DrPsychFeels » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:19 pm

When you start to avoid tasks you're supposed to do, take a step back and ask yourself why you're in avoidance mode. Or talk your issues out with someone. Or meditate on the issues.

Awareness is the bridge from who we are to who we want to be.
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