Feeling guilty for being depressed: endless cycle

Postby Pa.sola » Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:22 am

So, I stumbled upon this forum because I really need to get everything out of my chest. I've been depressed since I can remember. And no, I'm not exaggerating just hear me out. I've never been one to have many friends. In elementary school and high school I was your typical nerdy, shy, lonely girl who ate her lunch in bathrooms and got bullied for getting god grades. Being in college, my depression has gotten way worse. I'm 23, finishing med school, and I have a family and a boyfriend who support me. Yet I feel lonely, sad, and guilty for not being the happy ray of sunshine I'm expected to be. My "friends" in college only talk to me for convenience. No one really understands that I've felt different and out of place my whole life and now I feel trapped in this routine that never ends. I feel like I'm suffocating, trapped in this dark tunnel without knowing when I'll find the light - or if there's a light at all. I can't focus,my mind is fuzzy and slow and all I want to do is sleep. I've lost all interest for my hobbies. I'm angry at my classmates for not giving a damn about me when all I've done is help them through school and I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I need this to stop. My parents know something's wrong but how can I ever tell them how I feel? They'll think it's their fault and I'll break 2 of the most important people in my life. I'm all alone in this and it breaks my heart.
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:04 am

Pa.sola wrote: I feel like I'm suffocating, trapped in this dark tunnel without knowing when I'll find the light - or if there's a light at all. I can't focus,my mind is fuzzy and slow and all I want to do is sleep. I've lost all interest for my hobbies.

There's plenty of Light to be found in taking a Solid Food Vacation . . .

and you'll be In For a Treat !!
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#2

Postby no joke » Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:09 pm

I am reading your post trying to find flaws in your character but cant seem to find any;
not having many friends, nerdy, shy, lonely, different - those are not bad.
on the other hand- your accomplishment list is above average-a dream for many...
good grades, college, med school, helping others, ( bet there is more that you havent mentioned)
dont be so self critical- you are ok - self acceptance is your key. hurry up and finish med school... we need good Docs like you.
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#3

Postby n01 » Sat Jul 07, 2018 2:10 am

Who expects you to be a happy ray of sunshine? What is more important to you - their expectations, or your well-being?
How come you can't talk to your bf... what's the point in having a bf if you feel lonely because you can't share the things that mean most to you and trouble you?
Is eating lunch in bathrooms a real thing?! Surely somewhere better than that!
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#4

Postby whybotherwhynot » Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:07 pm

If you feel depressed, go to check with your Doctor and ask for a referral to see a Specialist.

From what you described yourself, you are not alone. I think you are an introvert like I am and millions of others. I consider I was not bullied when I was in school and adult life. But I noticed I was "different". I could not make friends easily. I felt tired to be in big crowds. I hated to go to parties.

I read two books: "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in the World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain and "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World" by Sophia Dembling. Those books helped me a lot to understanding the differences between Introverts and Extraverts. I learned to improve and accept myself and became happier.

The book "The Introvert's Way" is in the audio book format also. You can borrow it from the library to listen. It's very nice.
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#5

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:33 pm

I think our emotions are what bind us together. I've been struggling with an addiction to cannabis, and depression. I'm 30 now and I feel to old to be relying on my parents. I felt so useless and pathetic and I was being so, so hard on myself to the point on losing control and hitting myself out of frustration and self hatred. It still comes in waves but I'm just glad that I've opened up to my parents more and allowed them to help me through this difficult time in my life. It has really lifted me and helped. Everyone needs support sometimes. It will strengthen you and then you will have the strength to support them when they need it. Our hearts are hurt throughout life, pain comes, pain goes. I always tried to shield my parents too but if you allow people to help you, it will bring you closer, and one day it might be easier for them to come to you for support when they need it. There is strength in weakness. Your journey and experiences will help you to help others.

Love Em
X
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#6

Postby DrPsychFeels » Sun Jul 08, 2018 3:57 pm

Pa.sola wrote:My parents know something's wrong but how can I ever tell them how I feel?


This is the problem, plain and simple. You're disconnected.

This is where the majority of us find meaning---in honest, secure attachments with others. If you don't have that, the success doesn't matter that much and will in fact make you feel worse (b/c like you say you "should" be happy).
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