when i was 16 i did something ill never forgive myself for

Postby sesamebee » Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:36 pm

I started watching porn when i was about eleven or twelve, and watched it pretty consistently thinking it was normal because all my friends did it.
fast forward to when when i was 15/ 16 and i was pretty heavily addicted. Masturbating four or five times a day would be the norm, and all different kinds of porn. At the time it seemed normal to me to watch it as much as i did because on the internet, everyone did it and those communities and porn comment sections were the only "feedback" I had (my dad wasnt around when i was growing up and my mom wasnt involevd at all in our lives.. she just let us do whatever we wanted). However, looking back on it now, i realize the amount i was watching was definitely excessive and not typical for a healthy teenager.
Then one day when i was 16, I was not at school and i was bored. I had fapped about 3 times that day already and then wanted to watch porn again... (very common feeling at that point), and the idea of going on this website that i had seen a link to before came into my mind... I knew what it was and that I should avoid it, but for some stupid f***ing reason I was curious and wanted to see what it was and so I went on it and continued to masturbate the whole time. It wasn't anything serious like actually naked or abusive images ... it was just images of kids in swimsuits who actually looked quite happy. To be completely honest, it wasn't arousing at all. I distinctly remember thinking "this isn't enjoyable at all", and thinking the whole time it was happening that it was gross and all i wanted to do was turn it off. but i finished anyway for the sake of it. The whole experience lasted about 20 or 30 seconds. Then i instantly got a massive feeling of regret and self disgust. I remember sitting in my bed afterwards feeling so ashamed and guilty, and thinking what everyone would think if they found out what I just did. I promised myself I would never look at anything like that again.

I couldn't actually believe i had done something like that. I couldn't stand the thought of it... i just knew i had done something bad but couldnt comprehend it -I pushed the memory out of my mind and "repressed" it. I started developing generalized anxiety around then and I started failing at school (i was very good at school until this point and incredibly academically and creatively minded). I just never put two and two together, i guess that they were both connected, but i just thought i was a failure and started hating myself because of that too.
The next five years of my life were a living hell. I was riddled with anxiety and depression and it ruined a lot of relationships. As much as i would like to get all of the stuff that happened during those years off my chest as well, I dont want to say anything that would lead me to reveal who i am any more than i have already... so just know that they were really difficult and painful years.
Anyway, the fateful day finally came around when the years of stress, confusion, and isolation became just too much to hold back anymore, and I confessed to my family that i went on this website when i was 16.
I was 21 when i told them, so five years after it happened. I'm so annoyed that i did this.. but I just couldn't continue being alone with what i was feeling and having the whole world not make any sense... i was scared, i was exhausted, i couldn't sleep, and i felt like i just wanted to go home.

When i told them, all of my thoughts were jumbled so the confession came out as a mess… but i think i remember they said to calm down and take responsibility for it and accept it. that i need to move on, and focus on how i want my life to be in the future. i said ok and was later admitted to hospital by the police. i was on a bunch of meds to get me back into a sleeping pattern and to take my anxiety down a level. Eventually after the shock wore off, it dawned on me what i had said to them, and I started crying for the first time in years. I couldn't believe that i had just told them. now all my siblings know about this.
im now almost 23, and the bulk of the emotional pain of knowing that i told them has quietened down. but im still an anxious wreck. I just dont know what to do. Im terrified, ashamed, and i think about suicide everyday.
I don’t think any of my family would say anything to anyone, they actually have a lot of their own problems to deal with (which makes this all so much worse) but im terrified that one day, someone in my family will say something to one of my friends and then everyone will hate me and want to kill me… i already hate and want to kill myself... but if everyone else did too that would be too much. Im so selfish for only worrying about my own self aswell and not thinking about what ive put my family through.
I feel pathetic… like a waste of space. I used to be so creative and intelligent and full of potential and now its almost a joke how bad my life is... I still don’t even understand or believe it. I always ask myself Is this really happening? But it is. And I have to accept that. And I definitely need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and so i apologise if any of that comes through in this message. i'm just so ashamed in myself that i actually did something that put me in the worst category of people.

I've got a job and ive decided to take up studying again to make up for the grades I didn’t get in school (i failed because all this intense stuff was all happening around my exams). Im working harder than i ever have to get my life back on track... but everyday I ask myself is "it worth it?" because i my family will never look at me the same way again. they all treat me differently now and dont know how to approach me... and all i can think about is that if people ever find out , all of my hard work will be for nothing, everyone would leave me forever, and everyone would want me dead... im so sorry for what i did but i just dont know how to make it better.
this whole situation has crippled me and broken me in two.. Im so ashamed of myself I cant bare talk to anyone. When I see people having good lives and making something of themselves I recoil in shock because of how I will never have that and how I wasted my opportunity. Im scared that im becoming bitter and resentful because im on my own with all of this… I think about it every day, and about whether i actually am a monster and if i should kill myself.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:57 pm

This sounds like a form of self-handicapping.

In this case, it follows the common formula that event X happened and therefore all subsequent events in life that are negative are a result of event X.

When we look at others that have experienced what is arguably a negative event or trauma, such as being robbed, raped, abused, bullied, etc. we can feel sympathy that those moments are influential, but it is not a justification for every future negative event. At some point the fact a person did not get a promotion, failed out of school, or was rejected by a potential partner has absolutely no connection to event X that happened multiple years ago.

The person that experienced event X has a much more difficult time seeing this reality. The person that experienced X wants to connect every current struggle back to X, because it gives them a justification, a reason not to be held accountable for their current behaviors and the corresponding outcomes.

The question you need to ask yourself, is when are you going to stop using an event from nearly 7 years ago to excuse your behaviors today?
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