boyfriend problem. very long story

Postby tomatosauce » Fri Jun 29, 2018 12:58 pm

Hi. Uhm i don't even know how to start's embarassing, but i need some advice. It's gonna be a long post, i'm apologizing in advance for that, but i need to tell the whole story for better understanding. I may be chaotic in my storytelling, but i need to get it out because i need a solution in the matter. So here it goes...

I'm 23 years old and a student. I met my boyfriend 2 1/2 years ago and our love story is like a fairytale. We met at his workplace, we started talking and in no time we clicked. I've been in love before i met him, but it was nothing compared to what i felt with him. My world shifted and i thought this is it. He's the one. He is loving and carring, extremely intelligent, treats me well. I couldn't ask for anyting more. Our connection was so strong, that we felt each other even if we were miles appart. I even started to think what have i done in this life to deserve such a man. I litteraly can't explain in words what was like being with him. We did everything together, our souls were twirled with one another, you could see from a mile that we were madly in love and made for eachother.. I know it sounds corny, but that's what it was.

When we met, we were both weed smokers, which made things so much better. We would smoke and have sex, and go out, and living the life. He was a daily smoker, i was a daily smoker for about 6 months before meeting him, and casual for 2 years before that. At about 8 months in our relationship, we were on vacation and we had a chance to take an X pill. He had experienced several drugs during college, so he knew the drill. It was about 3 years since he hadn't take one, and i was curious to see what was it like (i was prone to experience and using drugs at that time). We split it in half and it was an amazing experience, like it opened a whole new world, keeping the thought in mind that it was a chemical lie. After that we did this for about a year, once every 3 months. I didn't get addicted or anything, i was just using from time to time to have a blast. After every using, i took my time to recover, i didn't crave it, nothing like that. It was just for fun. But X wasn't the problem.

I decided to stop weed last summer, and i did. I'm clean ever since. But hell unleashed upon me.
I decided to stop because i started to notice that i'm becoming very lazy, my memory was starting to such, i was tired all the time, i had a conflict with my mother about it. So i weighted things and i said "Stop! No more!". I went through the toughest period of my life: withdrawal. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, felt nauseaus all the time, minimal aches and pains throughout my body. After that came the depression and anxiety that comes with PAWS. It was horrible.

The main problems in this was the psychological one. I started questioning everything about myself, my school, my bf, my life. I was lost in a sea of wondering and uncertainty that killed me second by second. Day by day, month by month, things got better and better. I stopped ruminating eventualy, depression and anxiety subsided. I can't say that i'm 100% back, but i am much better that last year this time.
With these psychological issues came anhedonia, lack of motivation for anything. But the thing that was killing me most, was the lost of love for my bf. When the withdrawal started, i noticed i didn't feel anything about anything. I was bawling my eyes out in my bf arms telling him that i don't know what is happening, that i don't feel him at all, all that connection that i was speaking about was cut. Suddenly i was in this dark place when i didn't know how my life was going to be if i couldn't feel anything. I didn't understand why it was happening, why i was so depressed and anxious. My libido was below zero, which was another thing that scared me. I was a sexual person, it mattered to me to be able to have sex and feel good. I felt nothing.
I started surfing the internet and found different forums, until i found this one and helped me a bit. Although i feel better, the thought of ruining my life and never going to recover is still lingering.

Over the time i had times when i felt emotions for my bf again, but they were never long enough. About 6 months in my quitting i had 1 month when i started to feel normal again. Of course it went away and hell was back. That is when i discovered what PAWS was and i felt a bit of relief. But still, not feeling love and connection towards my boyfriend killed me. Now, almost 1 year clean, i'm starting to feel again that connection, but as soon as i realise it, it goes away. I had a few times when it lasted even if i noticed it, but not for long. So i'm hoping that it will come, little by little, as i recover myself from 2-3 years of smoking.

So, as you can imagine, i started to think about things. At first i questioned "i loved my boyfriend because of weed, or because i genuinely loved him?", "was i using him to get my drug?", "am i an egoistical selfish B ?". I seeked help, talked to a psychiatrist. She wanted to put me on medication to overcome withdrawal, but i refused. So she talked to me, and told me that every addiction has a root, there is a reason. I started searching in my mind and memories what could make me feel like sh**....and i didn't find anything. I had a lovely childhood, I was never traumatised by anything, i smoked weed because i liked it. There was no reason, depression or anxiety or anything for that matter. I liked my life, i studied, i had relashionships before my bf, when i was smoking, but they weren't anything like what i had with him. I was never depressed (i had my ups and downs like everybody else, but nothing serious), never anxious, never had a panick attack before i stoped smoking weed. The psychiatrist told me that maybe it was just the weed addiction, that some people don't have a reason to smoke, they just do it for fun until it turns to habit. And the loss of it is making me like this.

Anyway, my boyfriend supported me all this time. He gave up smoking too and didn't have any side effects like i did. He was normal and i was going to heel and back. He stopped smoking 6 month and then started again because he doesn't have a problem with it and does it from time to time. At first i was upset with him for doing it, but in time i let it go.

Now..the embarassing thing. At the begining of our relationship we made a deal to be honest about everything, even if it's awkward or painfull or whatever. To talk about everything in order to build a rock solid relation. So, 10 months in out relationship, we were doing X one night and started playing and then things got kinky. It was all fun and good, and then my bf tells me that he sometimes he likes to dress as a woman. We started talking about it, i was open to find out what it was about. So i started asking questions and everything. He told me that it was a fantasy, a fetish, he's doing it for years. he doesn't want to be a woman or anything, it's just a thing he likes. So i didn't know how to react to this, i was confused, but then i told him to show me. A part of me cringed, but another said "ok, let's try it". So he started to open up about it and after that told another thing, that beside this he has another fetish with penises. That he likes to suck it. And that's where i panicked. I said oh my god you're gay. And he said no. He doesn't like men, doesn't want to **** or anything, just suck. That is something to do with the dick and sperm. That he doesn't see a relationship between two men normal, he wouldn't go on the street holding hands with one, nothing like that. Told me that he did it once, in college and that was that. If he would do it, would suck it and then leave, no talk no nothing.

He explained that these are just fantasies, sex things that he likes from time to time, he likes to have sex with me and that he likes women, not men. That he is not gay or anything. At that time it was a bit hard to process all these thing, but i kinda dealt with it. I even used to tease him about it, and have sex talks about this and playing with things like this. At that time it wasn't a problem, we continued our relationship happy and in love and everything was good.

After i stopped smoking, after 7-8 months, these things started to bug me. I started to ruminate about it every single moment. It obsessed me. Thinking about it made me cringe so bad, that i started to tell him that i was thinking about it and started talking. I expained him that i don't know hy these things came to me all of a sudden, when i knew them for a while now and they didn't bugged me at that time. I started seeing a psychologist and talked about it. After the session when i told her these things, those thoughts of cringe, obsession and everything, stopped. It was a relief.

Now, there is a big problem between us. His drug use. He still like to take X and other stimulants from time to time. But mostly X. He does it from time to time, 2-3 months appart. And it gets on my nerves. I hate that he is doing it. I'm getting very furious when he tells me he wants to do it. There are some thing that bug me about this, and it is a paradox in my mind: i did it before, with him,so why it bugs me?? i know that he gets oppened to his fetishes when he's doing it, so that one thing. i'm afraid that he is going to feel sick or something because he needs a larger dose than most people, and i get scared. I may hate it because now it's a thing that i can't do anymore, because i am afraid of panick attack, depression and other stuff. I want him to stop, like i did, but he says i a thing he likes, that it's not a problem because he does not do it often. He never did anything to break my trust in him, but i'm paranoid that when he does this he will cal a guy over and do sh**, or things like that. The week i stopped smoking, i was at my mothers house and i new he was doing crack at home. When i came back, i had a day of feeling normal, without withdrawal and he told me what he did those days. He showed me an acount on a site with people with these fetishes and showed me what he talked with them. He didn't do anything, just talked. I got so mad when i saw he called one guy in a conversation "love", the thing that calls me. He said that it was just a word, that facts and actions matter. He saw my reactions and fury and he closed all accounts in front of me, to prove me that he is with me, that that was just a fantasy and if it buggs me that much he would stop doing it.

I'm feeling very guilty because what we had changed, because i changed. I am terrified that i'm going to lose him. Last night we talked about it, and i couldn't stop crying. And he told me what i couldn't say "you are afraid that this is a thing that bugs you so much, that you can't cope with it, and it will tear us apart, am i right?". And yes, this is a truth.

I don't know how to explain this, i love him so much. The thought of break-up cuts my breath, and it tears me to pieces. He has that part of good man in him, that every woman wants...and that part of fetishes that don't make sense to me.

I can't make him choose me or having a good time every now and then. I don't stay at home when he does it because i don't like seeing him that way, hazy, happy, vibrating with energy from X. But i get very paranoid and upset, although he did everything to earn my trust.

I am afraid that i changed so much, that i don't even know me or him anymore. I lost my old self and i feel that i am losing the love of my life for things that i can't understand and cope with them. I want to be able to cope with this. He was straight with me from the beggining. He never lied, he told me who he was from the very start. He wants to do it from time to time. And i want to be able to be with him when he does it. I can't have a relationship where i have to be elsewhere 3 day every month or two. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts??
I'm so sorry for the long post, and i am super embarassed by what i wrote, but i don't know what to do. I want to make this work. If anyone has a situation similar to mine, or any advice feel free to comment.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jun 30, 2018 12:14 am

I think you are mentally swirling in various issues and creating issues as a way to avoid the one or two issues that seem to be the potential deal breakers.

His need to suck penis is a potential deal breaker, no? It is understandably a huge struggle. I feel for you both. You can't meet that need and most people are not good with any form of infidelity. Negotiating that into a successful relationship is not easy. The fact he is open with you is to be commended. He is being honest and his end goal is obvious. He hopes that he can convince you over time to be okay with an other than closed relationship. He will slowly try to introduce the idea of another man into the relationship in one form or another as to get his needs met. If this was not his intention he would have never mentioned it to you.

The other issue is his drug use. I was not clear exactly on how it is negatively impacting the relationship, but typically as young adults leave school and enter the workforce they are looking for a productive, principled partner to grow a relationship together. Drugs can get in the way of that.

Anyway, I recommend you try to resolve your struggles by starting with any potential deal breakers that exist. Try to focus on the key issues one at a time.
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Postby tomatosauce » Sat Jun 30, 2018 6:52 am

Hi. Thank you for reading my post. I wrote a post earlier, i somehow lost it, so here it goes again.
Yes, the penis thing is a dealbreaker. He told me he wouldn't do it, that is a fantasy, he did it one time, in college. When he moved from his hometown to a big city to work, he had plenty of chances to do it and he didn't. We met a year and a half after he moved, and he didn't look for it. Told me that if that need would be so strong, he would break up with me before doing it. That he wouldn't do that to me, ever. He also told me that all these fetishes start when he's aroused and goes away after the cums. He loses interest once is over. He doesn't think about it outside of context.

His drug use affects me. It makes me really mad and my whole face and attitude is changing the second i hear about it. And i don't know why this is happening. If any other of my friends does it, i don't have a problem with it or being present when it happens. But when he does it, it gets on my nerves. I hate seeing him like that. And he was very supportive with me in this whole year of hell, and i want to be supportive with him. He told me "You saw that drugs are not a thing for you. They affected you and you suffered so much. I did things that you liked, to make you feel better and us happier. Now you are recovering and you are much better than when you started. But i don't have a problem with them. So why can't i have a good time every now and then?"
When he does it, it's easier for him to engage in his fantasies. He doesn't do it every single time. The cross-dressing is the thing he likes most. It's an old thing, he's doing it since he was a kid. He told me he likes the way that the fabric from women clothing feels on his skin. When i was using with him, it was easier for me too. We played a bit with these things and it was ok for me back then. We didn't do it very often, but it was enough for him to not need time alone to do it.
He told me he would prefer that i would stay with him when he does drugs, to see that he is ok and not freak about thinking he is going to be sick or satisfy his needs with someone else. But hating to see him drugged, we decided it's best to stay away a few days and let him do his thing alone.
The thing is, i don't know why it buggs me so much. I didn't have a problem when i was using with him. I want to be able to be with him when he's using, but i know that we are not gonna be on the same frequency.
We haven't done the play thing since i started my withdrawal. I could barely have sex, let alone see him fooling around. I even had 2 months when i couldn't have sex at all.
It makes me cringe really bad. I don't know how to explain it better. He was steaight with me from the begining. He never lied to me about anything and i didn't lie to him. I hate that i changed like this. The withdrawal took pieces of me, i am better, but i don't know if i am gonna get my old self back: loving, caring, anxiousless. And i loved him with everything he had. And i still do, but this issue is taking a huge toll on our relantionship, and i don't know how to cope with it.
He started to feel very stressed for a while now, and i can feel him getting distant. After everything we've experienced together and after all we've been through, i want to be like i used to, just without the drugs. And i want to accept him using from time to time and to give him wht he needs every now and then (because he doesn't need it every time).
I feel like we are at a cross-road and i don't know what to do. I changed, for the worst in my opinion, but he remained the same, as he presented himself to me. And i feel it is all my fault and that this is going to ruin everything. I'm crying for 2 days now since we had the conversation again, but this time i feel he is very distant. He told me that before all this happening to me, thought he has hit the jackpot. Tht i was more open than other girls, and than he could satisfy his fantasies with me, and have a beautiful and strong relationship. Now, he needs 2-3 days alone to do his thing, and i can't have that in the long run. And he said that he didn't need them before, but now i react so badly at his drug use, that he doesn't have other choice. He doesn't have a problem with it and doesn't want to quit. And i can't make him choose. It's not fair from me.

I don't know what to do. After that talk, i dreamt that we broke up and he literally vanished. No number, no photos, no nothing. I woke up crying so hard i almost threw up. I loved him with all he had, i still do, but i don't know how to cope with this. I want to understand him and be there for him as he was for me.
I remember when i was 4 months into my withdrawal, and i was feeling nothing, i was numb. Not even pain or suffering. I was just empty. And i was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he came in kneeled in front of me, put his head on my knees and begged me crying to not leave him, because he loves me so much and didn't want to lose me. Now i am the one in the same position. I feel guilty for not being able to accept him the way he is, when 1 year ago i didn't have a problem with any of it.
I want to somehow meet him halfway and make this work. I can't lose him, it aches me so bad when i think about it. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry i am writing so much, i am desperate, i feel like everything is hanging from a thread.
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Postby tomatosauce » Sat Jun 30, 2018 6:58 am

I forgot to mention something, about what you said. He is working, he is providing, he brings the money in the house. He moved in 2 months after we started dating. We just clicked and wanted to be together. I am still a student, i have one more year to go. We grew together since we've met. He works in the same domain that i study so we learned a lot of things from one another. He's 5 years older than me so he helped me a lot with my young struggles and i helped him with his studies, feelings and attention.
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Postby Candid » Sat Jun 30, 2018 7:16 am

tomatosauce wrote:I am afraid that i changed so much, that i don't even know me or him anymore. I lost my old self ...

Then it's time to split, sister. Time, at least, to take a break and think about what you want, because you're not going to be able to make healthy decisions while you're not yourself.

He was straight with me from the beggining. He never lied, he told me who he was from the very start.

He wasn't straight from the beginning, he lied by omission, and it was 10 months before he made full disclosure of his sexual orientation. IOW, he was 'grooming' you. He played the fantasy lover and provided exactly what you wanted for as long as it took to get you hooked. Now you want that back, and you're never going to get it back. You can't un-know what you know: drugs first, sexual kinks second, you third or nowhere.

I want to make this work. If anyone has a situation similar to mine, or any advice feel free to comment.

At 28 I married a man who knocked me about whenever he felt like it. I wanted to make that work, too.

It's virtually impossible to see a toxic relationship for what it is until you're out of it, so I congratulate you for realising that you're disappearing. The only thing that makes the scales fall from your eyes is time and distance. How much time and how much distance is up to you.
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Postby tomatosauce » Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:10 am


He wasn't straight from the beginning, he lied by omission, and it was 10 months before he made full disclosure of his sexual orientation. IOW, he was 'grooming' you. He played the fantasy lover and provided exactly what you wanted for as long as it took to get you hooked. Now you want that back, and you're never going to get it back. You can't un-know what you know: drugs first, sexual kinks second, you third or nowhere.

I don't know how to explain this better. He still is that person, the fantasy lover. Even after i knew about his thing his behaviour was the same. I stopped the drugs 1 year and a half in the relationship. Before stopping we did his things, like 5 times. The rest was normal things like every other couples. All this time he put me first, what i want, what i need. He even told me that he started to feel less and less urge to do those things. He stopped along with me for 6 whole months, to be there with me, supportive. He put his drugs and kinks on hold for me, and now he asks that from time to time, to be there for him, with him when he does it.
I smoked weed for about 3 years. I stopped last summer, and that is when withdrawal kicked in and i started to change. Post acute withdrawal syndrome was the one with the anxiety and depression and anger. He didn't made me dissapear, I made that, because i see myself and i can't relate to things the way i used to. All this happened in an instant. I am just starting slowly to feel like i used to, with little glimpses that i hold on to. He's not a toxic person, he's attentive and thoughtful and takes care of my needs, so i want to be able to take care of his. I even suggested to use with him (i admit i thought about it, but i don't think i would do it) and he didn't want to hear about it. He said "No, no way. You suffered so much from that, i can't have you do that for me or anything for that matter. You saw and felt the pain that caused you. No way i'm gonna let that happen to you again."
He is a good man, caring, he never treated me wrong, never been violent. We didn't even had those huges fights where everyone is screaming, and shouting and cursing at eachother. I gave myself to him completely and he gave himself to me.
These are some of the reasons, i want to make it work. I had a bit o distance, i went to my mom's for about a week, and i missed him. I want him, i want us the way we were, the only exception is that i don't use drugs anymore and he does. And i want to be there for him, but i need to know how can i deal with it now.
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Postby tokeless » Sat Jun 30, 2018 1:03 pm

I can sense your desperation to make this work and perhaps it can but that means you putting your needs second to his. He wants to use now and then.. Okay, not a big deal. He also wants you to be there when he does, knowing how you feel about him using.. That's different isn't it? If his fantasy was benign, why tell you? Fantasies are best in your own head if they involve the things he gets off on because what was he expecting from you when he told you? I know you say you love him and feel you are the one who's changed... Exactly the point. Why has he stayed the same? He gets what he wants if he wants and when he wants but you get to accept or feel bad in one way or another... Think about that for a moment. Is this your life until he either changes or you can't handle it anymore? Drugs are like glue and make people stick together and share experiences. When one stops what keeps them together? I've met hundreds of people through drug use, some really good friends and great people but I only saw them to use really. I stopped but so did the relationship except for a few. This is all on you accepting him and you giving. If you can do that you'll be fine... Can you though? Life is long.
Best wishes
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Postby DrPsychFeels » Tue Jul 03, 2018 12:19 pm

When there are discordant attitudes about drug use between two people in a relationship, it's probably not going to last.

I see this all the time. We wouldn't think it'd be a big deal if one person smokes pot and the other doesn't, but it does. People break up over this all the time. It's not the drug use so much but that the drug use represents a cleave in values.

Also it's understandable how the fellating men thing could be a problem.

If you felt this much euphoria for a man who isn't right for you, just imagine what you could feel for a man who is.
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