Parent codependency

Postby Becca1408 » Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:54 pm

Hi all
My issue is one I have had my entire life, but only recently has it started to ruin my life.
I am the only daughter of a woman who I believe has various childlike/attachment disorders due to her parents nasty divorce when she was a child.
I am now 27 years old and nearing 28. My 28th birthday is now a dread for me because i am STILL living at home. I am all she has in her eyes and since my partner finished with me for these reasons, she is all I have got. I have a job that pays about £1200 a month and I pay her rent for the house she owns because she would not manage it financially alone.
When i used to go away to spend time with my partner or for work trips she would so upset and lonely. For these two reasons I feel I cannot leave her and have her be alright - she has hinted she would die of stress and loneliness if I leave.
My ex became very upset that I could not go a few hours without checking she was alright. He is frustrated that a future with me means living with/very near to my mother and probably financially supporting her. I know he is right but I just do not know how to cut these apron strings and be independent. I don't even know if i can emotionally cope with it.
I feel like my life is worthless and I may as well end it all
I am in therapy but it makes little difference to my entrenched fears of losing her/hurting her

PLEASE SEND ADVICE - even if it is tough advice I need to hear it

Thankyou
Becca1408
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#1

Postby K'Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2018 3:28 pm

Hi, I think your mother needs to go out more, perhaps to social gatherings where she can meet and interact with new people so that she doesn't always feel dependent on you. Secondly, it would be wise for her to also see a therapist or something like that, which may help her discover herself further than just being your mother and you being her only daughter she doesn't want to lose. It's okay to support her financially, but maybe it would be also wise to look at other income generating opportunities, like an extra job or a small business that can be operated at home. Lastly, have a talk with her, be open about how you feel about this whole situation (maybe you can attend therapy sessions together) so you can understand each other more about this scenario. At the end of the day, you must grow up and be able to survive alone and I'm sure your mother knows that, just afraid of being alone.

I hope you can work this out and I truly wish that the both of you can find a resolution and be happy with your lives.

Take care.
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#2

Postby Reality » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:23 am

Becca1408 wrote:Hi all
My issue is one I have had my entire life, but only recently has it started to ruin my life.
I am the only daughter of a woman who I believe has various childlike/attachment disorders due to her parents nasty divorce when she was a child.
I am now 27 years old and nearing 28. My 28th birthday is now a dread for me because i am STILL living at home. I am all she has in her eyes and since my partner finished with me for these reasons, she is all I have got. I have a job that pays about £1200 a month and I pay her rent for the house she owns because she would not manage it financially alone.
When i used to go away to spend time with my partner or for work trips she would so upset and lonely. For these two reasons I feel I cannot leave her and have her be alright - she has hinted she would die of stress and loneliness if I leave.
My ex became very upset that I could not go a few hours without checking she was alright. He is frustrated that a future with me means living with/very near to my mother and probably financially supporting her. I know he is right but I just do not know how to cut these apron strings and be independent. I don't even know if i can emotionally cope with it.
I feel like my life is worthless and I may as well end it all
I am in therapy but it makes little difference to my entrenched fears of losing her/hurting her

PLEASE SEND ADVICE - even if it is tough advice I need to hear it

Thankyou

Wow, what a guilt trip! It is extreme emotional blackmail.

Your mother is exploiting you for all you're worth; emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Your mother knows how to manipulate other people for her free and easy life. If you were no longer around, she will scream for help from other people. She fears being alone, like most other people. Fear of confronting there own company, but expecst others to do so.

I would leave the house. If my mother threatened to kill herself, I would advise the mental health team (in any hospital) to deal with it, because suicide tendencies (even if it is just a threat) is irrational.

Then I would visit my mother, like most others would, but never due to any co-dependency or emotional blackmail. It is either for unconditional loving reasons or not at all. As soon as it becomes conditional the toxic cycle starts all over again . . . no thank you!

You have a life to live too. NOBODY has the right to enslave another person, or even expect anything from them.
Reality
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