My girl refuses to come on top during sex

Postby K'Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:31 am

Hi. I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now and we have a daughter who will be a year old this coming Thursday. We had a lot of sex from day one- since I broke her virginity back in 2013 and since then we've been sexually active. Here's the thing though, these past few months I've been desperately trying to get her to come on top and F*** and she refused.. Well, she tried several times before, even during May this year she tried doing reverse cowgirl but not for long... Think it went on for less than 5 minutes.

These past weeks we've been talking about it and she ended up telling me that she won't do it until we get married (which I think is a bit of an unfair deal) because I feel as though she's ignoring my sexual desires when I, on the other hand try my level best to make sure she she's satisfied. Our sex life is great and all, I enjoy having sex with her and I think she does too, considering the fact that we can't have enough of each other whenever we're together. My main concern is her refusal to meet my needs- though a part of me still thinks maybe she feels embarrassed about it, which is perfectly normal, I however don't think I'm getting the full story with regards to it. I mean, we've been having sex for five years, we even have a kid together, which is why I'm finding it very difficult to understand why she would wanna wait for marriage to do a mere sex position. I think that story is total BS!

Anyway, a little over three weeks ago I was at her place for the weekend and we did a lot of F***ING, which was great for both of us. I left Sunday evening and later that night she texted about how much she enjoyed love making and that she wished I would come back so we can do it over and over and over again, alright; those were good news to me. I then raised the "being on top" issue again and she protested against it, preaching the marriage verse all over again, so I asked if she doesn't care about my satisfaction, to which she replied "Do I not satisfy you :shock:"? And I told her I satisfy myself since I do all the f***ing, then she said: "well, my plan was not to have sex before marriage but that didn't work out, and my reason for not coming on top of you is because I still want to do what's left of my plan, so I still stick to saying I'll do it once we're married and if you don't want to satisfy me until then, it's fine cause I won't change my mind"

That's pretty much the last time we spoke about it. This is very confusing to me and I feel like she doesn't care about my concern. Is there anyone who might have went through the same experience? Is it normal :?: ? And if there are other women on this forum who can relate to this, please share some insights.. Thank you!
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jul 09, 2018 11:07 am

Why aren't you married to the mother of your child?
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#2

Postby K'Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2018 11:36 am

I don't know, I guess we're not at that point yet.
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#3

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jul 09, 2018 11:54 am

K'Dad wrote:I don't know, I guess we're not at that point yet.

Then why did you have a child? OOPS!

(per another post) . . . Perhaps, you need to concentrate on how to provide for your family, not on what sexual positions your aren't getting into. So glad, though, that you're moving out of your addiction. I know that the smoking addictions are tough to leave behind.

This is my female opinion.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 09, 2018 1:56 pm

What is not to understand...

You have needs. You want her to satisfy your sexual needs. Fair enough.

She has needs. She wants to get married. She wants her emotional needs satisfied. But, that is not fair?

Where you are confused comes out of being selfish about your needs while ignoring her needs. She has emotional needs that you are ignoring.
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#5

Postby K'Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2018 3:11 pm

@Quietvoice, people don't have children because they are married.. Find it very difficult to answer your questions. We already have a child, there isn't a thing we can do to change it, and us having a kid was not only my decision but a decision that involves both me and her.

I am providing for my family, I just don't have a stable job.
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#6

Postby K'Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2018 3:16 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What is not to understand...


Where you are confused comes out of being selfish about your needs while ignoring her needs. She has emotional needs that you are ignoring.


It really surprises me that you would say something like this Richard. I'm selfish about my needs you say, but in this case doesn't it also make her selfish about hers?

Whatever happens in our courtship should be of mutual benefit. Don't you think she is also selfish that I satisfy her sexually and she doesn't?? Your comment feels more like a judgemental call, and I feel as though you didn't quite read my post carefully.

Anyway, thanks for your input, VERY MOTIVATING!!
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#7

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jul 09, 2018 4:13 pm

K'Dad wrote:Whatever happens in our courtship should be of mutual benefit.

You are well past the courtship stage. If you're not sure whether she's the one to marry, she being the one who bore your child, then i'ts time to move on, and let her find a proper partner for her life.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 09, 2018 4:28 pm

K'Dad wrote: Your comment feels more like a judgemental call...


Of course it is a judgment. That is what advice consists of. Any advice is an opinion, a judgment. And of course the judgment is based on limited information, in this case a few paragraphs.

She had a belief of "no sex until marriage". But, she violated that commitment. Emotionally, she struggles. So, she then makes a follow up commitment to herself that she wishes not to break. But, you don't respect that commitment. You don't respect her needs.

Let's play a hypothetical. She says she is a vegan, because she believes the way animals are processed is inhumane and immoral. But, you think she would enjoy meat so you convince her and you are correct! It makes you happy as she begins eating fish and beef, but she won't eat chicken. You wan't her to eat chicken as well. She regrets that she has violated her belief, but damnit she will not eat chicken. How unfair! You don't understand! She violated her other beliefs and she enjoys it. Certainly she will enjoy chicken! Why is she being so unreasonable?

The actual question, is why don't you respect her beliefs? Why is it so difficult for you to grasp that she is struggling. She does want to make you happy, but she doesn't want to violate her beliefs. You are pick, pick, pick, pick, picking away at her, trying to get her to once again violate her beliefs. You don't respect her beliefs, you don't care about her beliefs. You think that you know what is best for her and for you, that she eat chicken!!!

And she is even willing to eat chicken, but she wants to do it on her terms, eating only chicken processed on free range farms. But, you see the free range farm, i.e. you see her belief in marriage as irrelevant to whether or not she should do what you want, to meet your needs. Her beliefs are not as important as your needs.
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