Hey guys, I haven't posted in a while but I quit smoking weed initially in around March of 2016 I think, and got to something like 14 months sober and I think I did see a bit of improvement, but honestly I had a huge boost in my mental well-being when I went on a light dose of Lexapro after 5 months sober. I finished school with a good GPA and am now working in a job I love, also moved out and making a good living so I am in a good spot as far as my life is concerned.
On the inside though is a totally different story. Lately I get off work and the first thing I think about is smoking up. I sort of started smoking a bit about 6 months ago when a girl I was dating was a weed smoker (which is not something I can have in my life or I will get tempted by it) so I ended up starting up again, on maybe a once a week basis if that even. I had a few months of no weed and then after getting this job, I seem to think about it a lot when I'm not working. I am wondering if maybe I need to fill my life with more positive things like going to concerts, reconnecting with old friends, and having cool fulfilling experiences, but I guess I have this habit of using chemicals to "enhance" my life experience. I do the same thing with caffeine and it has been the hardest drug for me to quit by far (way harder than weed) so like if I'm having an off day where I feel mentally useless, I always reach for some coffee to try to pep me back up, which sounds harmless on the surface but on a deeper level I think it translates to something like "I am not enough on my own, therefore I need a substance to be more complete." This might sound crazy but I believe it is the underlying motive that drives my caffeine use. I also binge eat from time to time, especially when I drink a lot of caffeine, because it feels uncomfortable (anxiety) and I try to use food to suppress the shitty emotions I get from being way too wound up after 5-7 coffees in the course of a day.
Anyways I am feeling way better on a day-to-day basis, I am still on a low-dose of Lexapro (10mg/day), and say what you want about antidepressants, but they ABSOLUTELY have helped the quality of my life, insofar as empowering me with having more options and ability to care for myself. I think what I want/need to do now is to let go of my relationship with coffee and with marijuana, and allow myself to just be as natural as possible, and see where my life ends up. This may also sound weird but I have this image in my head that without these substances, I will become a boring person and would never have anything to talk about, and as I type this that sounds ridiculous so I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I think I need to toughen up and work for what I really want to get out of life, while also being kind to myself and not worrying too too much about it.
Sorry to talk about myself for the last million paragraphs but I want to dig my feet into the ground and say "no more." Any thoughts / advice would be welcome.
Peace and love to you all