1 year weed free

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jul 11, 2018 7:45 am

Hello everyone! 10th of July marked my one year free milestone.

A quick review about my use and withdrawal: i smoked for 2-3 years, aprox. 1gram every day with little breaks here and there. I decided to quit last summer because it was interfering with my memory (which i need most), i became awfully lazy doing only the things that needed to be done, i became isolated and so on. Despite all of this i was functioning normal, doing good in school, reacting almost normal to events that were happening in my life. Anyway, i wanted to quit, to live my life without weed, so i did. And i never relapsed.

The acute withdrawal took about 3 days to kick in and lasted 2 months from what i can remember. Loss of appetite, nausea, i even threw up several times, incontrolable tremors, sweating mostly during the day, hot flashes, tachycardia. I lost 5 kg in that time. After they started to vanish, PAWS came along, and that's when sh** came down. Depression, anxiety, anhedonia, dp/dr, all the package. You can read my old posts if you want a more detailed insight.

Now, i can't say that i'm not better than when i started. I would lie. I can sleep, although the dreams are killing me, i eat like a normal person, i can have conversation, i laugh sometimes. But it's not enough. Honestly i didn't even wanted to post this 1 year "aniversary". I had my good days, but mostly there are bad days. I'm still anxious, i react to stress badly, i can't control my state of mind. Sometimes i can, but is very hard. There has been a progress, i can't deny that. But it is very very slow. I sometimes feel that connection to my feelings, to the world, to my bf, but it vanishes really quickly. It's still a plus, a few months ago i never felt that.

I had a really good time in June, but then a problem came along and put a massive cloud over my head. So now i'm asking myself if this is paws or the problem itself. I'm feeling my muscles tense again and my mind racing.

So yeah, long story short, i am not okay yet. I'm sorry that this is not a happy post, but it is what it is. I'm angry at myself and i think i'm starting to lose hope that this is it. This is the best i'm going to feel.
Maybe it's gonna take 2 years, i don't know. But what i do know is that i'm not gonna smoke ever again. Even if this is how my life is going to be, i'm not gonna smoke.

I entered my last summer vacation. So i want to enjoy it as much as i can. I don't know how i'm gonna do that, but i'll try. I want to start hit the gym. I have all this free time now and i must keep my mind ocupied, although i get really really tired. I hope i'll get my old self back. Maybe a better version of myself.

I hope you are doing good my friends dhae, anxiousMary and everyone here on this forum. It was a blessing to find it. I read the succes stories of other people and they do help my spirit, but sometimes they don't. I hope i'll be a succes story some day and insipire other people like others inspired me.

If you have questions or if you wanna talk, feel free to comment. Love to you all!
helenadoc
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:59 pm

Hi Helenadoc,
Firstly, well done on hitting a year. I haven't smoked in years now and even though I didn't get the symptoms others did or still do, things will get better. I loved the stuff for many, many years and my world evolved around it. I wouldn't smoke again for anything because perhaps I just got lucky and wouldn't be next time? Just stick with your progress.. The dreams will lessen in intensity but dreams happen anyway.. The thing for me was I couldn't remember having them all the time I smoked, so being hit with them was a very weird thing. Focus on what you've achieved rather than what you feel you haven't.
Best wishes
tokeless
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#2

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:04 pm

Thank you for your reply!! I know i should focus on the good, but it's very hard when most of the time i feel bad. When you have 5 days in a month of feeling great, it's really hard to keep track of things, to keep in mind the thought that it will be over someday.
I almost never get the feeling of full relief. And when i do i am scared to think about it because i always get a slap back.
It is ruining my life and i am sooo tired..
helenadoc
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Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:18 pm
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#3

Postby tokeless » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:58 pm

Hi again. Have you ever discussed your symptoms with the doctor because other than not having highs, you have some symptoms of possible bi polar. I'd maybe think of trying a mood stabiliser. Going the gym and keeping busy is good but you can't do that indefinitely. You have to feel good just being present with yourself. In my work with addiction I found so many people who couldn't be in their own company so used substances to block those emotions of isolation and not being comfortable with only themselves present. I may be way off so it's only a suggestion.
Best wishes
tokeless
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#4

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jul 14, 2018 10:32 pm

Yes, i talked to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Non of them have diagnosed me with anything.
I didn't have any problems prior or during smoking. Plus these symptoms have subsided alot. I can't deny that. But they don't seem to end in my opinion.
helenadoc
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Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:18 pm
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