1 year weed free

Postby helenadoc » Wed Jul 11, 2018 7:45 am

Hello everyone! 10th of July marked my one year free milestone.

A quick review about my use and withdrawal: i smoked for 2-3 years, aprox. 1gram every day with little breaks here and there. I decided to quit last summer because it was interfering with my memory (which i need most), i became awfully lazy doing only the things that needed to be done, i became isolated and so on. Despite all of this i was functioning normal, doing good in school, reacting almost normal to events that were happening in my life. Anyway, i wanted to quit, to live my life without weed, so i did. And i never relapsed.

The acute withdrawal took about 3 days to kick in and lasted 2 months from what i can remember. Loss of appetite, nausea, i even threw up several times, incontrolable tremors, sweating mostly during the day, hot flashes, tachycardia. I lost 5 kg in that time. After they started to vanish, PAWS came along, and that's when sh** came down. Depression, anxiety, anhedonia, dp/dr, all the package. You can read my old posts if you want a more detailed insight.

Now, i can't say that i'm not better than when i started. I would lie. I can sleep, although the dreams are killing me, i eat like a normal person, i can have conversation, i laugh sometimes. But it's not enough. Honestly i didn't even wanted to post this 1 year "aniversary". I had my good days, but mostly there are bad days. I'm still anxious, i react to stress badly, i can't control my state of mind. Sometimes i can, but is very hard. There has been a progress, i can't deny that. But it is very very slow. I sometimes feel that connection to my feelings, to the world, to my bf, but it vanishes really quickly. It's still a plus, a few months ago i never felt that.

I had a really good time in June, but then a problem came along and put a massive cloud over my head. So now i'm asking myself if this is paws or the problem itself. I'm feeling my muscles tense again and my mind racing.

So yeah, long story short, i am not okay yet. I'm sorry that this is not a happy post, but it is what it is. I'm angry at myself and i think i'm starting to lose hope that this is it. This is the best i'm going to feel.
Maybe it's gonna take 2 years, i don't know. But what i do know is that i'm not gonna smoke ever again. Even if this is how my life is going to be, i'm not gonna smoke.

I entered my last summer vacation. So i want to enjoy it as much as i can. I don't know how i'm gonna do that, but i'll try. I want to start hit the gym. I have all this free time now and i must keep my mind ocupied, although i get really really tired. I hope i'll get my old self back. Maybe a better version of myself.

I hope you are doing good my friends dhae, anxiousMary and everyone here on this forum. It was a blessing to find it. I read the succes stories of other people and they do help my spirit, but sometimes they don't. I hope i'll be a succes story some day and insipire other people like others inspired me.

If you have questions or if you wanna talk, feel free to comment. Love to you all!
helenadoc
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:59 pm

Hi Helenadoc,
Firstly, well done on hitting a year. I haven't smoked in years now and even though I didn't get the symptoms others did or still do, things will get better. I loved the stuff for many, many years and my world evolved around it. I wouldn't smoke again for anything because perhaps I just got lucky and wouldn't be next time? Just stick with your progress.. The dreams will lessen in intensity but dreams happen anyway.. The thing for me was I couldn't remember having them all the time I smoked, so being hit with them was a very weird thing. Focus on what you've achieved rather than what you feel you haven't.
Best wishes
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#2

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:04 pm

Thank you for your reply!! I know i should focus on the good, but it's very hard when most of the time i feel bad. When you have 5 days in a month of feeling great, it's really hard to keep track of things, to keep in mind the thought that it will be over someday.
I almost never get the feeling of full relief. And when i do i am scared to think about it because i always get a slap back.
It is ruining my life and i am sooo tired..
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#3

Postby tokeless » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:58 pm

Hi again. Have you ever discussed your symptoms with the doctor because other than not having highs, you have some symptoms of possible bi polar. I'd maybe think of trying a mood stabiliser. Going the gym and keeping busy is good but you can't do that indefinitely. You have to feel good just being present with yourself. In my work with addiction I found so many people who couldn't be in their own company so used substances to block those emotions of isolation and not being comfortable with only themselves present. I may be way off so it's only a suggestion.
Best wishes
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#4

Postby helenadoc » Sat Jul 14, 2018 10:32 pm

Yes, i talked to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Non of them have diagnosed me with anything.
I didn't have any problems prior or during smoking. Plus these symptoms have subsided alot. I can't deny that. But they don't seem to end in my opinion.
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#5

Postby Lucy0611 » Sat Jul 21, 2018 7:45 am

Hello helenadoc,
you are not alone.
Im 10 months in and Im exactly going through the same shxxx :-(
I hope and pray to become normal one day like others here before.
It's so hard every day but I think we'll make it.

Lucy
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#6

Postby helenadoc » Mon Jul 23, 2018 4:01 pm

Lucy0611 wrote:Hello helenadoc,
you are not alone.
Im 10 months in and Im exactly going through the same shxxx :-(
I hope and pray to become normal one day like others here before.
It's so hard every day but I think we'll make it.

Lucy


Hey Lucy! Kudos to you for 10 months clean!! Yeah, i know, this is shyte. Sometimes i think we'll make it. Sometimes i don't. It's f***ed up, but it's the price we pay.
This process is sooooo slow, you can barely see it. Like, myself, i noticed the other day that i'm not bothered by my dreams anymore. It took me a whole year to not wake up dreaded by what i dream. It's another rock put into the foundation of my normal.
Slowly, very slowly, one day we'll get on the other side :)
Kisses!
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#7

Postby Backatit » Tue Jul 24, 2018 4:19 am

Hi Helen and Lucy,
I know how you guys feel, progress is so slow it’s really hard to tell sometimes. For me it’s been every few months a notch better.
I’m at 20.5 months now and I’m getting another notch up now.
Just slowly make any incremental changes in your life that you think will help. For me, I went vegan, then I started eating really healthy (two different things), I make an effort to do new stuff, and a couple months ago I started lifting weights. That last one has been a real mood booster - I would highly recommend it.
Or just let yourself not do any other self improvement besides not getting high, it’s a big deal. Most people don’t change these habits and miss out on a lot. I should know, it took me almost 25 years of trying to quit, from 18 to 42 (started at 14). But now I’m finally done. The sooner you cut those chains the better, and I promise you that even though it’s slow going you are definitely healing and recovering. It may take another year +/- but you will see. Keep it up!
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#8

Postby helenadoc » Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:54 am

hey Backatit! thank you for your candor :)
Yeah, it's hard. I try to fill my time with various activities. This week was fun cuz me and my bf are looking for an apartament and luckily we found it. I spent my time doing all sorts of calculus, calling agents...the stuff you do when you are looking for a home. Now i have some time off and i feel i'm slowly falling down with irrational thoughts racing in my mind. Last night i dreamt some sh** and i woke up anxious, but i hope it will go away like the others...
I just want my stable mind back and correct emotions, not distorted by anxiety, irrational fear, uncomfortable sh**. I think we'll get there. But in time.

Backatit 20.5 months is a major accomplishment. My recovery is similar to yours, just like you said, every few months is a notch better. I'm 12.5 months after aprox 3 years of blazing.
I read 2yearquit post, where that person was desperate that after 2 and a half years he/she was still feeling bad. He considered picking up smoking again because his life just wouldn't improve after so much time being sober. And then he came back a few months later saying things turned around and he experienced a major improvement and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. When i read that,i experienced a sense of relief. I read it from time to time to empower myself.
We are all in the same battle. And this forum is a great support group. Keep it up, and continue posting! That's how we help eachother, sharing experience :D
much love to you!
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#9

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Mon Jul 30, 2018 7:08 pm

Hey Helenadoc,

Do you want to try vipassana meditation? You can join a 10 day course, it helps tremendously with the racing thoughts and anxiety. I hope your recovery speeds up now that your over 1 year. You chose right and now you're fixing yourself, hang in there do you feel any physical or physiological symptoms like fatigue, nausea, constipation or anything else?
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#10

Postby helenadoc » Mon Jul 30, 2018 7:22 pm

Hello Ash. No, i don't feel any of those symptoms anymore. Only if the anxiety rises i get diarrhea :))) and if it gets really high i get nauseaus. But that happens very rarely now.
About the meditation...i don't have patience...like at all. And i know meditation takes time. I tried to just breathe and relax, but after a while i get bored and i can't seem to get a hold of the benefits. I didn't practiced it that much, so i gave it up.
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#11

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:05 am

I would definitely recommend vipassana even more then. Quitting weed is only one part of fixing yourself, learning ways to cope is another important part. It's difficult and boring but with just a week of meditating a couple of hours everyday you'll see really good result. The idea is simple, just focus on your breath and be aware if it's coming in or out, block out all other thoughts and do just that. If you find that too hard then you can count backwards from 1000. When it becomes too easy count faster. But the key is so keep your mind focused on the present task. Thoughts can only be about the past or the future, both which do not change the present. When we get lost in our racing/jumping thoughts we lose the awareness of the present and it's reality. We become so habituated to it that it's hard to do it and we need to start training ourselves to do so. I've got a masters in psychology and going through withdrawals too so I know what I'm talking about. Meditation is even harder with withdrawals but it does help :)
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#12

Postby Lucy0611 » Wed Aug 08, 2018 10:57 am

Thank you HelenaDoc for your answer. How are you today?
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#13

Postby helenadoc » Wed Aug 15, 2018 5:33 pm

Lucy0611 wrote:Thank you HelenaDoc for your answer. How are you today?

Hey Lucy! I had a good time this last month. I had some rushes of adrenaline every now and then, but manageable. Anxiety is almost all gone. I still feel a little uneasy, i don't know how to explain the exact feeling. But i'm a lot more stable than a few months ago.
How are you?
Kisses
helenadoc
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#14

Postby Lucy0611 » Thu Aug 16, 2018 12:36 pm

Hi Helena,
I had some good days (bearable) and some bad days. Unfortunately more bad.
Today is such a bad day. Anxiety hits me hard again. It's like my mind plays tricks on me. I feel sick and tired. For sure it's better then at the beginning but not good (50%). October will be my first year full. I hope from then things will get much better.
Im so thankful to find this forum and such great people like you.
It gives me so much hope.
Thank you.
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