How do I help my man's self-esteem in regard to his penis?

Postby cherm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:06 pm

I'll try to be brief..... I am deeply in love. While we were getting to know each other, I thought I would be sexy and tell him I was into light domination. Once we dated for while longer, out of the blue he asked me about that. I, very stupidly, told him I liked being spanked and such. He freaked out because he is absolutely not into that. We were working through that when he, for some unknown reason, asked about my ex's penis size. I, very stupidly, said he was big. Now my boyfriend, the man I want to marry, is so anxious about having sex with me that he won't let me touch him or go down on him because he feels inadequate. I've tried and tried to reassure him but he doesn't believe anything I say. I am not sure why but he has serious self-esteem problems and the whole penis size thing is killing him. He says he's trying to work this out but it rips me apart to see him in pain like this. What can I do, what can I say, to make him understand that he has absolutely nothing to be concerned about and his penis is perfect? I love this man with my entire soul and I'm afraid of losing him because of my stupidity.....
cherm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:56 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:54 am

Do you not find it unhealthy that you have committed yourself for life to a man you apparently don’t really know?

What I mean, is that either:

-1- you two have not been dating long enough to know each other or...
-2- you have dated a long time but have crap communication.

Which one?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9753
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 981

#2

Postby cherm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:57 am

Communication. Definitely a lack of communication.
cherm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:56 pm
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:43 am

Okay...neither answer allows you to know this man. In other words, do you not find it concerning that you are willing to marry a person you don’t really know? How do you date a significant length of time without knowing about his low self esteem or issue with spanking you?

Think of it this way. Two people meet and spend 10 years together, but don’t communicate. They don’t actually know each other, right? How could they actually know each others likes and dislikes, each other’s needs, values and beliefs given a lack of communication? They can’t.

Do you think it a good idea they get married?

Let’s say you resolve the spanking and penis size issue. What next? You don’t know because you have not communicated and currently lack communication.

Okay...put all the above aside. I’m only pointing out that it sounds like you might want to reconsider or at least question why you would be so head over heels about a man that up until recently you were unable to discuss or failed to discuss something as important as overall sexual compatibility.

Moving forward, I recommend as a couple you learn to communicate. Get to know each other...really get to know each other. Up until this point you guys are not being entirely open. You guys are telling each other what you want to hear, You are being reserved and letting your actual beliefs trickle out. It is like you are both wearing a kind of mask, you holding back some of your fantasies and him holding back his fear of sexual inadequacy.

I’m guessing, but you sound willing to be more open so this is the path I would take. Take the lead and expose your own vulnerabilities. Put it all out there. This will encourage him to be more open. As he gains comfort he will trust you more and communication will improve.

And avoid saying that his issue or fear is no big deal or that you don’t care about the size, etc. It might be true that you don’t care, but that is not how he will open up.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9753
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 981

#4

Postby cherm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:49 am

That is very helpful, thank you. I am definitely more communicative. He shuts down. It's something we're working on but something that can be overcome. I don't understand why he feels so inadequate but I do know he has had a horrible family life and didn't receive the love all children deserve when growing up. That seems to have changed his ideas of how people communicate. I had a similar upbringing but have done tons of work on myself to try to overcome my communication issues and fears, now I need to help him to do the same, it seems. Again, that was sage advice and I appreciate it.
cherm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:56 pm
Likes Received: 0



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Self Esteem & Confidence