In disbelief

Postby noknow » Sat Jul 14, 2018 5:50 am

Last weekend, I was over at my girlfriends. We've been together 1 year. We wake up and I'm feeling at little low a little grumpy, this happens sometimes but she knows about it. I go on a long walk and talk to my family on the phone. I come back feeling really drained and feel like leaving to go do my own thing. I mentioned to her that I was gonna get going. She says that I was extremely moody. Which I was, but I wasn't hostile or anything. I just really needed me time.

She flips out and says she wants to take and break and not see each other anymore. I was so shocked by what she said, I couldn't process it. But I literally said 'Ok' and just left. The next day she texted me if I wanted to talk. I didn't text her back. The following day she texts me and says that we are broken up sense I ignored her.

We haven't talked since the last time we saw each other. I've cut all contact on phone and social media. To be honest I can't believe she would do something like that. I don't want to talk to her at all for a period that is TBD, or forever. I'm just so angry. I don't know what I would say. In my head they are nasty things. I just need the air to clear in my head.

To me this move on her part is impulsive, which is the type of person that she is. Sometimes she'll just snap. She is a very neurotic OCD person. She's acknowledged that she is mentally unstable.

Most of me thinks that this break up is for the better. Why would I want to be with a person that is so emotionally unstable that she'll snap at a moments notice? But another part of me says that I should be accepting of who she is.

I'm trying to acknowledge that I'll never know why she made that decision. That I can't rationalize her decision, especially since it might of been irrational.

I'm just so angry, confused, relieved, happy... A mix of contradicting emotions. All I know is that I don't want to talk to her...But another part of me says that the relationship isn't officially over until I acknowledge it with her...So at some point I have to.
noknow
New Member
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 4:14 am
Likes Received: 2


#1

Postby tokeless » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:04 am

OK... So she's the fault in all this? Who's the one who woke in the low/bad mood and needed time out? Who's the one who decided to talk to someone else rather than try explaining it to her, then leaving because they needed to be alone, leaving her with the fall out? She then has the nerve to complain about your moodiness and suggest time out, so you sulk off and get angry, ignoring her attempts to build bridges?
How dare she think about how you impact on her eh?
You're the victim here fella... Makes you feel right. I'd say she's just got fed up with your moods and psychoanalysis of her issues. Maybe look up 'Johari window'... It's good for looking at insight of ourselves.
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1924
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 224

#2

Postby Candid » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:14 pm

noknow wrote:I'm trying to acknowledge that I'll never know why she made that decision. That I can't rationalize her decision, especially since it might of been irrational.


Really? Not a clue?

It's not irrational to get fed up with having to accommodate bad moods and the silent treatment. Seems to me you unwittingly did her a favour when you blocked her attempts to contact you.
User avatar
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 7832
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Location: Reading, England
Likes Received: 299

#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:30 pm

noknow wrote: She flips out and says she wants to take and break and not see each other anymore. I was so shocked by what she said,


This doesn’t make sense. How were you “so shocked”?

You have been with her a year. There is only one of two explanations you can choose from.

-1- There have been multiple warning signs with her frustration building with your behavior. But, you have missed all of these signs. Finally she snaps. Having missed all of the warnings you are “shocked”.

-2- She is irrational and it was unknown to you. She for no reason flips out. Understandably you are “shocked”.

Which is it?

Based on what you wrote it sounds like neither. You wrote she is impulsive and you know it. Therefore, what is so “shocking”? How is that possible? It isn’t a shock...or shouldn’t be. You are pretending it is a shock and you are being emotional and irrational, reacting as if something of which you were very aware is somehow shocking.

If I were in your shoes I would consider two things:

-1- Maybe I missed warning signs. Maybe I’m clueless at how my behavior is impacting others. Maybe I’m being selfish.

-2- But if I’m not missing anything, then I wonder what is wrong with me for dating a person that is angry, snaps, etc.?

Either way....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

That is where I would place my focus. I would place it on me and what I am doing wrong to be so incapable in managing my relationships.

From your previous threads this is where you seem to struggle, You struggle to understand how others are trying to manipulate you and conversely how you are trying to manipulate others. This is normal. Many people struggle with this same issue.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9921
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 995

#4

Postby n01 » Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:08 am

noknow wrote:She says that I was extremely moody...She flips out and says she wants to take and break and not see each other anymore.

=the penultimate straw?

The next day she texted me if I wanted to talk. I didn't text her back. The following day she texts me and says that we are broken up sense I ignored her.

=the final straw, that did it for her?

I've cut all contact on phone and social media. To be honest I can't believe she would do something like that. I don't want to talk to her at all for a period that is TBD, or forever. I'm just so angry. I don't know what I would say. In my head they are nasty things. I just need the air to clear in my head.


Mistake. Your lack of communication was what got you into this mess in the first place. Instead of behaving like a sulking child, all you needed to do was to reply briefly to her text message, give her that respect at least. "I appreciate that we need to talk but I'm really angry right now and don't want to talk to you. I need to clear my head" would have done.

If then she still texted back (I doubt it) to say that it's all over then you either 1. take that at face value - yes the relationship is 'officially' over, get used to it, or 2. you reply to her (pref have the balls to call her!) and just simply ask her "I just want to know once and for all do I take it that we are 'officially' split up now and this is what you really want, or is this just an impulsive upset reaction? Please clarify what you want."

If she doesnt say anything back then at least the ball is in her court; you gave her the opportunity to say "no I didnt really mean it, I'm just so fed up with it etc. I think maybe we need a break though".


Just keep things simple but open-ended until you are both calmed down. At a later date when/if you both feel like "talking" then you might be able to get to the bottom of why she had had enough of your moodiness/selfishness (does that really need explaining?), and what prospects there really are for this relationship to continue and to be what you both need.

Out of interest, you say you are angry... what are you so angry about? That suggests to me that you took it for granted that a partner of 1year (or any duration) should just put up with moodiness and a need to go off and "do your own thing" and somehow this shouldnt factor into her desire and decision of choosing which partner to be with?

I think the truth is that for both of you the relationship is less than ideal in some ways but is good in other ways.... well that's true of practically all relationships, and you have to weigh up what really matters to you. She seems to have reached the point of a deal-breaker. And somehow that seems to you to have come out of the blue (really?, no previous signs?). You sound like you've yet to make up your mind whether her impulsiveness (if that is what it is) is a deal-breaker for you, but sounds like it might be. Yes take time to clear you mind and assess what matters most to you. But blocking all avenues for her to communicate with you is childish, disrespectful and counter-productive.
n01
Full Member
 
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Mar 13, 2013 10:48 am
Likes Received: 0

#5

Postby noknow » Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:24 am

This was all a hard pill to swallow. And I am thankful that I had all of your guys input, it brought me to my senses. I admit that it was immature to not get back to her and block her. I royally F'ed up and I can take full responsibility. Closing all channels of communication was the worst thing to do.

We talked on the phone today. It turns out she wanted to take a break that was unrelated to me, it was more related to her stressors. But she basically said that I abandoned her and that she thought she would never see me again. She really had some nasty things to say, which I deserved. She was really upset that I didn't ask why she wanted to take a break and just left. This is the lowest point I've ever been. And I never want to do it again. She has to sort out her stressors first, but it sounds like she is willing to give me another shot.

I'm starting to see a pattern in my life. When I encounter interpersonal conflict I shutdown and want to leave. The emotional intensity just overwhelms me and I just need to separate myself. She mentioned that one day she would like to have kids and is scared that I would just leave her. It made me feel awful...It made me feel that in no way do I want to be that guy. Then she mentioned that maybe it's a pattern in my bloodline, because my original dad left me. That made me feel insanely insecure and even question how true it would be.

Anyways, Im trying to seek resolve from this all this...and figuring out how not be a shitty human...
noknow
New Member
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 4:14 am
Likes Received: 2

#6

Postby n01 » Mon Jul 16, 2018 10:14 pm

See how it goes then. Sounds like progress. You (both) had some crossed wires there.

Withdrawal is a common response style to interpersonal conflict though. If you really cannot control your emotions at all at that point then you need to manage that in a way that your partner can at least have an understanding, tolerate and not misinterpret. So if you need to separate yourself away from it then explain what that means (eg explain that it doesnt mean that you dont care, which seems to be your partner's interpretation, which in turn may be partly made worse for her from some baggage from her history, who konws - find out). That doesnt mean she will like it though. She may not want that from a partner. And you may not want someone who can't understand it wihtout feeling so shut out. You will find out how key an issue it is to each of you.
Why not seek some personal counselling to really examine this issue that you have, and learn to do things differently, more favourable to you?
n01
Full Member
 
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Mar 13, 2013 10:48 am
Likes Received: 0

#7

Postby noknow » Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:34 am

Why not seek some personal counselling to really examine this issue that you have, and learn to do things differently, more favourable to you?


I'm going on a vacation in a couple days. I'm thinking that when I return, it would be best if we both went to therapy for some time and worked on ourselves. Maybe as a couple or individually. Otherwise I don't think both of us are ready to date... I'm just not sure how I should phrase that to her.
noknow
New Member
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 4:14 am
Likes Received: 2

#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jul 17, 2018 2:39 am

noknow wrote: I'm just not sure how I should phrase that to her.


At first, you don't.

Instead, you head to therapy by yourself and explain your thought process to the therapist. Get their input about if, when, and how you might include her in therapy.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9921
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 995

#9

Postby tokeless » Tue Jul 17, 2018 7:14 am

How old are both of you, if you don't mind me asking?
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1924
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 224

#10

Postby noknow » Wed Jul 18, 2018 2:10 am

I'm 29 she is 26, why?
noknow
New Member
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 4:14 am
Likes Received: 2

#11

Postby tokeless » Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:33 am

noknow wrote:I'm 29 she is 26, why?


You come across as younger imo. As for the decision to both go in to therapy, does she agree with that? By all means therapy may be useful but it comes across as you making that decision.
tokeless
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1924
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 5:17 pm
Likes Received: 224

#12

Postby noknow » Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:36 am

tokeless wrote:
noknow wrote:I'm 29 she is 26, why?


You come across as younger imo. As for the decision to both go in to therapy, does she agree with that? By all means therapy may be useful but it comes across as you making that decision.


Maybe I'm just not emotionally mature. I haven't had many relationships. I following Richards advice to go by myself. I need to work on myself first. Then maybe get my therapist opinion. But I certainly won't make the decision for her.
noknow
New Member
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 4:14 am
Likes Received: 2



Return to Relationships