Arguments with Family - Twist everything onto me

Postby happy14 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:51 pm

I have been living at home with my husband and 2 children for the last 5 years, being asian its culture to stay with in-laws, some of course do like to move away from their family and live by themselves but certainly not unusual in our culture to stay with in-laws even after marriage and after having kids as its the norm.

Now to put it into a nutshell for the first 3 and a half years there were no major issues living with family, sure we had our disagreements but nothing for me to lose sleep over, however when my younger brother in law who lives in the same house got married a year and a half ago is when the problems started to occur. His wife and him all live with us along with the in-laws, now the parents of this new wife visit whenever they can and this has caused issues, There has been a definite power shift in the family in the sense that the new wife and husband are always right about any argument that takes place and me and my husband are always wrong, this never used to be the case and the in-laws were previously reasonable. Now they dont want to hear a thing me and my husband want to say and pin the blame squarely on us without even listening to both sides of the story.

The in-laws previously got on very well with my own parents and were genuinely friends and would come over for Coffee now and then and even get an invite, but now since the "new" family have come into the picture the in-laws dont invite my parents over at all and have even started to have arguments with my parents over nothing, so they have stopped going over but the new family can come over whenever they feel like. It is quite puzzling for me but this is what has happened.

Now there have been many arguments that have taken place and I can be here all day but the crux of it is that whenever they do something wrong then they shift the blame onto me saying its your fault that the arguments are happening in the house, if this was the case then how come for the first 3 and a half years there were no issues but ever since the new bride came into the picture thats when this occured, its perfectly clear to me where the issues are coming from but they dont acknowledge it even though I bring it up and say its my fault.

I am a bit puzzled if they genuinely think its my fault or are playing a game, I feel its the latter but in any which case I want to know how to deal with this?

Another thing is that when they say something upsetting to me and i retaliate they will later bring this up and say why did you say that to me? I am genuinely shocked as to why they think that, is it not human behaviour to say something back if they have been falsley accused of something. They come up with repeated lies, pass blame onto me and dont expect me to stand up for myself I mean what do they expect me to do?.........I am in the process of moving house with my husband because this episode has left us really hurt and demoralised and no-one should go through it, but why should I be subjected to this?

To summarise:

1) They are quick to pass blame onto me for something that THEY have done...almost as if they want to throw me off guard in an argument?

2) They come up with constant lies and the in-laws have even got their other kids involved and lie for them. Cant the kids see sense and tell their parents they are wrong?

3) They instigate an argument but when I defend myself they then later on use this against me saying i shouldnt have made the comments even though they started it.

How would you guys tackle this?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jul 17, 2018 4:32 pm

I tackle it by taking a step back and figuring out why exactly I feel the need to defend myself.

What you wrote uses argument and blame in generalities. Some things are worth defending, most things are not.

For instance, being accused of stealing might be worth defending. Being blamed for leaving a light on is not worth defending.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jul 17, 2018 5:36 pm

happy14 wrote: but why should I be subjected to this?


Because of this...

viewtopic.php?t=105397&p=884050#p884050

A year ago they wanted you to move out and asked you to move out. Why are you being so disrespectful?

That is why you are subject to what is going on in your life.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Regardless of my advice, here is what will happen. You will leave the home, or you will be miserable. You can do the correct thing and leave, or you can be stubborn and choose to stay miserable, but blame others for your misery as you stay in a home where you are not welcome.


And here is what I wrote a year ago. It still holds true to this day. You blame others for your misery as you stay in a home where you are not welcome.
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#3

Postby happy14 » Mon Jul 30, 2018 12:48 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
happy14 wrote: but why should I be subjected to this?


Because of this...

viewtopic.php?t=105397&p=884050#p884050

A year ago they wanted you to move out and asked you to move out. Why are you being so disrespectful?

That is why you are subject to what is going on in your life.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Regardless of my advice, here is what will happen. You will leave the home, or you will be miserable. You can do the correct thing and leave, or you can be stubborn and choose to stay miserable, but blame others for your misery as you stay in a home where you are not welcome.


And here is what I wrote a year ago. It still holds true to this day. You blame others for your misery as you stay in a home where you are not welcome.


Why am I being disrespectful? Judgemental much, but you will be glad to know that we have moved out and that the in laws have continted to treat us badly, whether over the phone or when they visit us. What would you say about that?

Recently I have found out that they are spreading false rumours about us and trying to drive a wedge between me and other people, care to tell me who is being disrespectful now?

I want to know on how to stop this nonsense and get them to stop talking sh**, and most importantly when they say or do so something wrong they don't take accountability but when we retaliate they make it out as if it's me who started it,
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:01 am

happy14 wrote: but you will be glad to know that we have moved out and that the in laws have continued to treat us badly, whether over the phone or when they visit us.

Why, pray tell, would you continue to have relations with people who treat you badly?

It doesn't matter that they are family. Anybody who treats you like crap, doesn't deserve to have your attention. It's up to you to make the change, not them.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 30, 2018 2:37 am

happy14 wrote:Why am I being disrespectful?


Because when someone asks you to leave their home you respect their wishes. It doesn't matter if you made a bad decision and put money into their house. Your bad decision doesn't then give you the right to become a squatter in a home of another person. They asked you to leave and you didn't. That is disrespectful.

If you asked someone to leave your home you would want them to respect you.

Judgemental much


Call it what you wish. Call it my opinion, my critique, or call it my judgment, but absolutely!!! That is exactly the purpose of a public forum. I'm not judging you as a person, I'm judging your actions, your behavior. So what?

And you are free to judge my behavior. My behavior is not without flaw.

The difference in my opinion, is that my behavior is functional. In other words, my behaviors typically help me in the pursuit of my goals. My behaviors generally are functional. Still, you can judge me all you like. I welcome your judgment or anyone else's judgment. I would not participate in this forum if I thought everyone would just try to placate me or agree with me all the time.

but you will be glad to know that we have moved out


Given it was the respectful behavior to take, yes...I'm glad.

and that the in laws have continted to treat us badly, whether over the phone or when they visit us. What would you say about that?


First, I would reinforce what quietvoice has already pointed out. You are not obligated to answer a phone. You are not obligated to allow them in your home.

Second, you just moved out. Given you built up a huge degree of animosity over the last several years what did you expect? You think you move out and all of the sudden everything goes to sunshine and rainbows? No...you tore down, destroyed, or otherwise crippled the relationship for years and now it is suppose to turn around in a month?

Recently I have found out that they are spreading false rumours about us and trying to drive a wedge between me and other people, care to tell me who is being disrespectful now?


Recently? Please. They have been spreading false rumors and talking sh**t for years. This isn't anything new. This isn't anything recent. Maybe you moving has created opportunity for some new version or different rumors for them to spread, but again, you have been disrespecting them for years...years...let me say it again....years. And now you are finally not in their home and you expect instantly love and kisses?

I want to know on how to stop this nonsense and get them to stop talking sh**, and most importantly when they say or do so something wrong they don't take accountability but when we retaliate they make it out as if it's me who started it,


When you retaliate?

Again...when you retaliate. You want it to stop, but you don't connect that retaliation just pours fuel on the fire. And this fire has been growing for years and years. It is a raging inferno.

And you can't figure out how to stop it, lol. Hmm, maybe start by not retaliating. Maybe start by refusing to keep pouring more and more and more fuel on the fire. Come on...you don't just have a small chip on your shoulder, you have a huge friggin log. You have so much anger built up that you are in a lose, lose, lose situation.

If you honestly want to stop it, be the bigger person permanently. This doesn't mean just for tomorrow or the next week or the next few months, or the next year. Permanently means just that. Forgive them for whatever happened in the past or for whatever they are doing currently.

And now that you have moved out, distance yourself and establish boundaries. Don't respond, don't answer the phone, don't open the door.

The fire will eventually lessen when you stop feeding it, when you stop retaliating. It will take time, probably over a year if not longer. And unfortunately there is no way the burnt out damage will ever be entirely repaired.
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