Strange Friendship/Mental issue

Postby Mediocre Human » Sat Jul 21, 2018 9:59 am

I’m starting out with a letter I wrote to my friend in hopes that it would clear my mind. And I really could use some input on what is going on with my mental state/how I could possibly change my feelings for my future.

Skim over the first section it’s really weird and unnerving. I got really questionable and unfeeling during that.

“I’m so hollow right now so bitter. I’m not sad I’m empty it’s different. The feeling is the same as before you yet it feels so much more potent. Why whywhywhywhy why I don’t understand why I want your happiness over mine. It’s crushing me. My love is crushing me. I don’t love you the way you love me. I don’t want anything more than to be by your side I want to feel whole again. (Name) was pathetic, she feels brief happiness and confesses? I’ve held in my selfish desires for three years and she just blurts out on spot? I hated it more than anything it was frustrating how she didn’t even comprehend your own feelings first. The only reason the thought even cross your mind was because I made you so tender and feelsie the night before it’s frustrating and I hate it. I was happy the way it was I was so sososo very happy. I could tell you I love you genuinely without restraining you I could make you know it without any bitterness without any seriousness. I could tell you with the lightness of my heart so why. Why did it change. I’m so selfish now I want you all to myself I want to be with you to laugh with you to speak to you to feel complete with you. I don’t care about what kind of relationship we have I just need you. I want more. I don’t want romance. I just want more of you. I want as much as you can give. What is this then? Is this not the amount you can give at this time? Too selfish, the way I think is too selfish now. You don’t even want to see me do you? I’m a bother. Look at how much people love you. Isn’t that amazing, how many people want to see you again. I’m so jealous not only of you having this many people to love you, but the fact that I only love you this way. I’ve never opened up to another human, it hurts. No one wants to see me again, no one else cares if I die. Of course my family cares but my friends inly slightly. I could die and people would temporarily mourn, look back, say a few words, then I would be forgotten. There would only people a temporary sting with people. It hurts, I’m so alone. I can’t even reach out to you. You’ll never get to see this, it’s too much for you to bare. You cannot see this you cannot feel this you can only tell me to seek help. I know you aren’t that strong, I cherish your frailty. It still hurts. The person I love the most can’t even support me in my darkest feelings. I don’t want you to experience unpleasantness. Bitter. I’m so bitter. I’m going crazy over you. My love is obsessive, disgusting. I’m sorry. I can’t move on, there a wall. It’s not romantic it’s awkward there’s an awkward wall. You know my original feelings and I wasn’t able to control how you received them. I hated it, it broke me. I’m disgusting, I’m a liar to everyone but you. Why can’t i achieve happiness? “Don’t I deserve it?”
It’s so funny, so funny. What a petty thing to feel, what a petty person to be. This emotion is too strong for someone as weak as me. I’m too weak for you. If I don’t comfort myself somehow, I’ll break. I’m breaking. You did nothing wrong again I just grew to a point of no return, it’s disgusting. If i look at the bright side though, I have incredible self control. I started to get urges again, like very unhealthy, very not ok urges. Now I should probably go to a therapist for this sh** but I also don’t want to be wrongly locked up. I have the most self control in comparison to other people like me. I don’t to what they do. I feel what they feel. I don’t want to let that take me, it’s addiction, it’s disgusting. I blocked out those thoughts those everything with you. How could I put so much pressure on a person? “The cure for my emptiness”, what a stressful thing to be for someone. I studied you. Dug deep, consumed you. I wanted to know more learn more be more. I wanted everything. I’ll never get everything. No one ever gets anything. It was a bad wish. I’m ever more controlled now, but I’m also back to being hollow. I don’t understand the hollowness actually. Essentially nothing has changed aside from you know myself previous feelings. Maybe it’s the barrier I’ve created. Are you too scared to respond positively to me? To give me hope? Don’t worry you won’t. I’ve already decided for myself that it can’t be you. I’m too gross for someone as wonderful as you. I need to find someone with similar feelings to mine, talk to them, open up, receive their advice. If someone else has these repressed urges then they also cope with them right? It’s far easier to do. I want to love myself the way I love you. Flawlessly. I’m going to start hitting up online chat rooms about these feelings. It’s scary because other people are like me but, what if they are as kind as me, as normalized? I shouldn’t miss that chance. I need to fill myself.”

Yep, that’s it. Again sorry about this but I really cannot send this kind of thing to my best friend.
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Postby Candid » Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:17 am

Mediocre Human wrote:Skim over the first section it’s really weird and unnerving.

A wall of text headed by directions on how to read it???

I gather you're pining for someone who's stopped seeing you, hardly a fresh and original experience here.

I want to love myself the way I love you. Flawlessly.

Good. Do it.

I’m going to start hitting up online chat rooms about these feelings.

Not so good. You're the only expert in your own life.

How about you pull out the highlights and re-post?
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Postby Fellow Traveler » Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:01 am

Fellow traveler , in order for you to get some input from one of us why don't you tell us exactly what's going on and we'll take it from there. Keep it simple yet thorough.

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