I need help loving myself

Postby VIII_8 » Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:26 pm

I really need help loving myself. I've struggled with loving myself since grade school. I'm about to enter medical school and I still beat myself up over a lot of things and I hate it. It's preventing me from enjoying life to the fullest potential.

I really don't want to sound arrogant during this next paragraph, but I have to explain this in order for anyone to understand the picture. On paper, I know I'm a really good guy. I'm about to become a doctor; I've had girls that find me really attractive and my female friends that I'm close with continually tell me they think I'm attractive; my friend's have told me how much they appreciate me as a friend and how much I do for them and support them through rough moments and when they follow their dreams; my parents and my sister keep telling me how proud they are of me and how they always brag about having me as their son/brother to their coworkers and friends; I know I'm also athletic and have a good figure because I was captain of my college's rowing team, I had the fastest on the water and the rowing machine, and people compliment my figure; people have told me how I'm more sensitive about other people's struggles and how I'm very respectful to people who struggle with their sexual orientation or race and I just appreciate cultural diversity in general.

But even after all of this I still beat myself up (not literally, just mentally and emotionally) over everything I still hate everything about myself. I panic when I accidentally upset someone and I try to do everything I can to apologize and make up for it, but a lot of times it pushes people away because it's too much. I panic and get so hard on myself when I talk to a girl I really like. When I get so close to being in a relationship I always botch it and she ends up losing interest because of something I did. I've never had a girlfriend because I keep letting girls from the past who were seriously bad girls harm my self-esteem and confidence and I panic whenever I start something new.

The point of all of this is that on paper, I know I'm a really good guy, but I have trouble accepting that so much. I'm a 22 year old man about to start medical school, I should be at the prime of my confidence, but I can't stop beating myself up and being so hard on myself. Truthfully, I'm holding back tears writing this post because I think about my family and friends and how much I'd disappoint them if they knew how hard I am on myself. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and I keep letting it prevent me from loving myself and I don't know how to stop. I wish it was like a switch, but it's not. I have this struggle in my mind and I just want it to stop.

I guess the question is, what's the best way to start loving myself or accepting myself?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:47 pm

VIII_8 wrote: I guess the question is, what's the best way to start loving myself or accepting myself?

Learn how to fail. Learn how to disappoint.

You are obviously capable of learning. As you said, you are about to enter medical school. Like any academic subject, you can also learn things like how to fail, how to disappoint, how to be okay with criticism, rejection, etc. etc.

The approach I would recommend is similar to cognitive behavioral therapy. This is where you would deliberately and intentionally consider a small "failure" such as not studying, not getting the perfect grade, etc. Start a journal.

Then you take the time to reflect and write down the absolute worst thing that happened as a result of the failure. Did not making the perfect grade upset the balance of the universe? No? Great. Did it cause a parent or loved one to cry out in agony? No? Great. So what is the absolute worst that your failure caused?

My guess is that your constant push to not disappoint results in irrational fear of failure. You live in your head, imagining all sorts of negative outcomes from not performing your best.

Anyway, start by focusing on getting comfortable with small failures. Then scaffold up to a bigger failure, then a bigger failure. Eventually as you get more comfortable with failure it will be much easier to love yourself.
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Postby lshek167 » Thu Aug 09, 2018 5:20 pm

I know how you feel, sometimes we can live in a life where everyone around us thinks we are the perfect model, but deep inside we feel the most insecure and nothing.

the best way to start loving myself or accepting yourself?

I find is Time.
sometimes is taking the time to talk to someone, some one who will listen to you how you really feel. It will be hard at first but taking that small step of putting how you feel into words be rewarding. I remember when i had all these thoughts towards myself. Even when i had found my Bf, my husband now. i thought i was finally happy when i had found my other half. but i was still miserable. i had these deep insecure thoughts underlying in me that no one knew about except me. Unconsciously they were affect my personal life, my relationships, my work. Alot .
IT took that one day when my BF asked whats wrong, talk to me.
that was the day when i finally felt happy!
Honestly try it. there isn't a more rewarding thing !

Free yourself of your insecurities
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Postby laureat » Fri Aug 10, 2018 6:43 pm

if we feel like other ppl dont love us we may also not love ourselves

if we believe/feel that other ppl hate us we may also hate ourselves

how can we love others , how can we love ourselves , its a tricky question

i believe that awareness of the nice things about ourselves is what makes one love oneself

you dont have to be special to love oneself
but even that there is always something special about the individual
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Postby Reality » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:40 am

First of all, you are not a story about what you have done, or what others have said about you. These stories are collected and remember by the ego. It does this to maintain validity, where in fact it is invalid. Ego is just a fabricated story for the mind to make sense of itself. That is why the ego always seeks validation.

Anyway, forget about those stories. Think about who you really are. Your very truth as a human being. Think about how deep down you are capable of being a truthful, loving and caring person. You know what I mean, because you want to be a doctor. So get in touch with that lovely you that is loving. Feel that love in your heart. That love IS YOU. You ARE love. This is your very essence of Being.

To love yourself, simply love the love that loves you.

This is authentic (unconditional) love of Being, and not of conditional self-love of ego.
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Postby gintaras » Wed Aug 15, 2018 12:08 pm

May be the problem is in perfectionism? People who crave for perfection often beat themselves for the small imperfections. First in such case the best solution is to allow yourself to make mistakes and don't judge for them. Second, it is important to know, that perfectionism is not bad thing in itself when used properly. May be you have great potencies to become perfect doctor, very good friend, perfect husband and father of children. Simply it takes time and patience with himself.
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Postby Minz » Wed Aug 29, 2018 1:04 am

Tears are good and they are healthy. You crying for you is you loving and accepting you because you are honoring your process and what you are feeling.

What are the expectations you have of you?
What are the expectations you believe others have of you?
The expectations you experience of yourself, who do you remember experiencing these expectations from the most in your life?
Are they your expectations i.e. did they come from you and you created them or did you take them on board from others?

The apologies you share and the guilt you carry - is it that you have actually done anything wrong that warrants the guilt?
If you have then what can you learn from what you did?
If you didn't do anything wrong, then who is making you wrong and why?

Guilt can also be over responsibility, where you feel responsible for how others feel, so you want to make it alright, you want to make them happy, rescue them and protect them, because if you don't you feel to blame. This is not your guilt, it is a pattern of behaviour that can be created at a very young age when children take on adult type behaviours and responsibilities well ahead of when they naturally should.

Only apologise for the things you do that you know are wrong because you went against your truth and the right thing. If it is others making your wrong, that is not your issue.

Exploring the questions will help you find the answers. You do have the answers inside of you that you are searching for, just be kind to you in your process of finding them.
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