Lost in life and myself

Postby depthexplorer » Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:01 pm

Hello to everyone on this forum,

I have to say that I am really amazed by how well this forum runs and how many friendly answers can be found here and possibly help someone. That being said, I often found answers in the topics of people dealing with similar problems to mine and only knowing that someone is on the same boat was a big relief. I tried to pick up all the courage inside of me and write my own post but was always afraid. I guess that I already know all the answers and my post would be needless. But I would like to hear some advices from someone who was maybe in the same situation or just knows his stuff. But first let me say I am sorry for my English.

I am 28 years old male currently not employed and deciding what to do with my life as I feel like nothing interests me and nothing is really good for me. I would call it a nihilistic approach to life although I don’t even know where it came from during my growing up. And it really bothers me because I would love to enjoy life, but it seems like something is preventing me from doing that. When I see people having fun from little things I envy them, but I cannot produce this enthusiasm whatever I do. It’s like my mind wanders all the time in the future and in the past. My mind is constantly busy with planning what to do in the future, thinking about the best strategy to do things… but it all comes down to thinking about things, not living them. Every time something starts to be “too serious” I back out of it. For example, I got offered 2 good job positions, which I refused in the end because I found something that I though was a “dealbreaker”. One of them was starting studying at the university of defence as a professional rescuer. I made the entry exams and ended up being admitted as the second best. But I found reasons why I cannot do this kind of job. There is a possibility that I was scared and that’s why I backed out. It wasn’t the first time and I’m starting to think that there is something seriously wrong with me and I would like to not feel this way about things. I also questioned my working morale in the way that I might be too lazy. On the other hand, last year I went to live in Canada for about a year on my own to prove myself that I am worthy and capable of things because I always felt (and still feel) like I am totally useless. I started working as an office furniture installer although I have never done this job. And everyone was pretty happy with me. But I didn’t feel like I was doing good, I wasn’t able to admit that I am a good worker. I felt like everyone was lying to me. Anyway, I worked my donkey off, 10-12 hours every day including weekends, so I wouldn’t say I am lazy. So, what is wrong with me that I feel so lost in life regarding every crossroad I encounter and the choices I have to make? I am incredibly undecisive. This might be related to my low self-esteem which I cannot boost enough to live a normal social life. I started to have a social phobia. I avoid people on purpose. When I see a friend walking down the street I rather cross to the opposite side just not to talk with him, because that would lead to a conversation about life and I don’t want other people think I am a looser that I don’t have a stable job and big life goals.

I have obtained New Zealand working visa where I could work for one year. Although I am really tempted to go (living abroad and get to know other cultures was a dream of mine before I moved to Canada and I still feel like I haven’t had enough), there are things that hold me back. First, I am afraid that I would be just running from myself and second, I am afraid that by the time I get back from NZ I will be 29-30 years old and totally unemployable since I don’t have any skills that would be useful. I graduated with Masters in Anthropology/Experimental Psychology but I refused a job at a big research institution because I felt that science is not for me – doing experiments just to write an article two people will read about... nothing useful for the world. But then again, I might be wrong and I was just scared that things might get serious and people would find out I am incredibly stupid. And that’s another thing. Although I score on IQ tests above average I have a constant feeling that I am stupid, unintelligent and people will find out. I have forgot everything they have taught us in school, I have a difficulty to verbalise my own thoughts (which are sparse) and every time I do something or solve something I do it wrong. When I am with people and we are discussing something, I am the one who is quiet because I have nothing to say. I used to live in Canada and my English is nowhere near perfection (or at least at the level where I could say that I speak fluently English). And although I have a low self-confidence, I also have this notion about myself that I am capable and able to live a successful life. I read somewhere that this is a sign of a narcissistic personality (there are two type, one common and one not so common where you take all the criticism too seriously and is accompanied with low self esteem etc.).

So, I really don’t know what to do with myself at this point in life and how to get out of my broken mind? How to boost my self confidence and self-esteem? How to stop being in disgrace with myself? How to stop being so undecisive? If someone has some kind of insight to this I would be really grateful for your opinions.

Thanks! :wink:
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 30, 2018 1:50 pm

Set small goals and then focus on the present. Stop making comparisons to other people.

Maybe the purpose of life is to enjoy the journey, to enjoy helping one person each day, to enjoy the feeling of rain, or to watch the stars travel across the night sky.

For instance, you think writing an article only 2 people will read is a waste. Why? If you are an artist it doesn’t matter how many people enjoy your art. All that matters is that you enjoyed creating the work. Life isn’t a competition and it isn’t about making other people happy.
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#2

Postby depthexplorer » Mon Jul 30, 2018 2:57 pm

Thank you Richard for your reply.

You are absolutely right that I compare myself with other people. I do it quite often and it is a big portion that creates my anxiety about future/present. But how to avoid comparing myself with others? It seems like everyone judges others based on what they do as a profession.
I know I could be happy in NZ the same way I was happy in Canada. It was a beautiful experience for me and I am longing for another one. Yet at 28 years of age I feel like I am forced to do something with my life, but I don't know what exactly (hence my fear I would me running from myself if I went to NZ). I know I haven't grown up in many ways and this might be one of them - taking responsibility for life choices.

You are also right about life isn't about making other people happy. That's what I have been doing my whole life. Always scared of interpersonal conflict. I wanted to be on good terms with everyone. Which probably lead to my shattered identity where I really don't know who I am (personality-wise) when it comes to interpersonal contact. I feel like an actor, always adapting to different people, some roles are hard to master though.

I read your post on thos forum where you compared life to golf (and comparing with others in different gold teams). I remember it and it made so much sense to me back then when I read it. But I always felt like I will be someone with a job thats recognizable and have a purpose. After I turned down both job offers I had received, I am worried about my future as someone who does something important. And I know that not everyone can be an astronaut.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 30, 2018 3:45 pm

depthexplorer wrote: But how to avoid comparing myself with others?


Like any other ability...you develop it, you cultivate it, you learn it.

How does a golfer avoid making comparisons? They concentrate on their own game. They focus on each shot and they work on improving their putting, striking the ball, hitting the green.

And they compare themselves to themselves. They compare yesterday's score with the score of today. That is all.

You are correct, not everyone can be an astronaut. And not everyone can be a golfer like Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson. So what? The point is to enjoy your game, to enjoy the courses you play, to enjoy improving your score, to enjoy your moments.

Do you actually play golf? Maybe you should as it would help cultivate the ability of how to set small, personal goals without comparison. And you can transfer those lessons to other areas of your life.
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#4

Postby depthexplorer » Wed Aug 08, 2018 2:52 pm

Yeah, I know. I will try to focus more on my game.
I don't play golf. I used to practice running where I was able to reach my goal. Then I reached it and I lost the motivation. Maybe I should do this in cycles. But I think the basal point is the same with your golf analogy. I want to start brewing beer as my short term goal.
Thank you Richard for your answers.
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#5

Postby Roman_K » Sat Feb 16, 2019 4:16 am

What about interruptions? As in, smart phone, TV, checking emails, switching from one thing to another, worrying, thinking about the past of future, etc.

How would you describe your average day?

Lots of interruptions? if so, what kind of interruptions?
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