I have lost control of my life

[Act]

Hi Everyone,

Never done this before, but I feel that I need to get so much off my chest at the moment, and I wasnt sure where else to go.

Growing up as a kid I was heavily dependent on my mother. My dad was not very active or present during my upbringing and he used to go out get drunk, come home and emotionally abuse my mother. Till the age of 15, I was unaware of any serious mental health problems lying within me. But the signs were there. I built a habit of stealing off my dad- probably because it was the only way I could pay him back for being abusive and horrible to my mum, I used to lie at school to impress people and acted tough on the outside when in reality I was really sensitive. I also used to struggle academically but excelled in sports to a very high level.

into my teenage years, the habit of stealing got worse and I would steal from work, friends and family. My mother now says that she noticed this but never confronted me about it. I used to binge drink every weekend and just developed bad habits from the age of 14-15

I was first struck with really bad anxiety when I moved to the UK at age 15 when I and my mum decided it was best for my sports and career that I get away from my home country as there were more opportunities.

After a couple of months there, I got extreme homesickness and anxiety- my grades crashed and I begged my mum to let me come home.

fast forward 10 years, I am now 26

I have loads of behavioural problems from compulsive lying, stealing of friends, cheating on girlfriends. I had finished my degree in banking and finance, but I found it hard to communicate effectively with my employers when it came to setting expectations so I jumped finance jobs three times in 3 years. with long periods of unemployment in between(out of my own choice). I also find it really hard to just get out of bed in the morning and maintain motivation for more than 1 day at a time. I have no idea what career path I want to take and I feel that I have really lost myself. somehow the past 10 years passed and ive become this person that I find disgusting.

ive recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years who had put up with my anxiety, depression and behaviour, I had been trying to end the relationship for 3 years but I always felt guilty for breaking her heart. she was always there to support me and help me through dark times. but it was definaltely an unhealthy relationship from both sides, as she was controlling at the start of the relationship, before i did anything to betray her trust.

I know i am a disgusting human right now. but I also really want to change my ways. I have proved to myself that I can achieve good things when I put my mind to it, by making it to high-level international competitions, completing my degree in finance.

I just feel like there is so much I need to change from within that its a hopeless case, which makes me feel that I should just end it before I hurt more people.


not sure what to do, so any insight would be really appreciated.

[lshek167]

You are not a hopeless case.

No one is ever a hopeless case, there is always a way to redeem yourself.
Hurting yourself should never be the answer to sort anything out.

I think the first steps of you actually writing all your faults on what you find is wrong with you is the start of something fresh.

Sometimes finding the root of your problems is where you will get started.
For example when you complusivly lie. Have you ever asked your '

Why did you did say that?

or
When you cheated on your Gf

what made you cheat on her?

if you have no motivation at all, find something to have motivation for. you had mentioned that you

used to struggle academically but excelled in sports to a very high level.

well why don't you try and join something sport related to see if you can excel in this area. can be creating a hobby by heading to the gym, releasing those happy endorphins. joining a football session with new people, the list can go on and on!

Find something that you enjoy and makes you happy, usually that is where is will all begin for you!

[Act]

Thanks for your reply!

I have decided to Study for my Masters in Sports Management next year, alongside my training for the 2020 Olympics which I am very close to qualifying for.

I do feel ashamed after I lie or exaggerate a story so that others see me in a particular light. Its just become habit, not because i really want to say these things. - maybe I should talk less and listen more instead.

as for cheating on my girlfriend, each time happened when I was drunk, however it was a really unhealthy relationship and i always felt trapped.

I am determined to make this work, the hard thing is to keep the motivation flowing from one day to the next, and not making any irrational impulsive decisons when I am on a low(which happens frequently)

PS: went for a game of football today, and it felt great being with other people, rather than training in solitude.

Thanks so much for your reply, its nice to know someone is listening.

[laureat]

the problems were always there but you were not aware of it, now that you see the problems and you are aware of its a good start you made

awareness itself is not the problem, dont panic that you see the problems instead be happy about what you capable to see problems because you can make yourself better

however, you need to know what to expect from yourself, make small steps, dont try to fix everything on a second, postpon some of the problems not all of them

start with some small steps that you can easy make

step by step, and one day there will be too many steps

you will say, look at me now, so many steps i made

it is great to be aware, always be happy for awareness

[lshek167]

Thanks for your reply!

I have decided to Study for my Masters in Sports Management next year, alongside my training for the 2020 Olympics which I am very close to qualifying for.

I do feel ashamed after I lie or exaggerate a story so that others see me in a particular light. Its just become habit, not because i really want to say these things. - maybe I should talk less and listen more instead.

as for cheating on my girlfriend, each time happened when I was drunk, however it was a really unhealthy relationship and i always felt trapped.

I am determined to make this work, the hard thing is to keep the motivation flowing from one day to the next, and not making any irrational impulsive decisons when I am on a low(which happens frequently)

PS: went for a game of football today, and it felt great being with other people, rather than training in solitude.

Thanks so much for your reply, its nice to know someone is listening.

I'm so happy to hear all of this! i'm glad you are trying and have not given up!
I hope you felt a bit better actually telling someone why you did the things you did. sharing can be a sense of freedom and the answer to your questions.
I definitely love how you are implementing for sports into your life and entering a degree in it too! I really do hope the best for you!