Hi Everyone,
Never done this before, but I feel that I need to get so much off my chest at the moment, and I wasnt sure where else to go.
Growing up as a kid I was heavily dependent on my mother. My dad was not very active or present during my upbringing and he used to go out get drunk, come home and emotionally abuse my mother. Till the age of 15, I was unaware of any serious mental health problems lying within me. But the signs were there. I built a habit of stealing off my dad- probably because it was the only way I could pay him back for being abusive and horrible to my mum, I used to lie at school to impress people and acted tough on the outside when in reality I was really sensitive. I also used to struggle academically but excelled in sports to a very high level.
into my teenage years, the habit of stealing got worse and I would steal from work, friends and family. My mother now says that she noticed this but never confronted me about it. I used to binge drink every weekend and just developed bad habits from the age of 14-15
I was first struck with really bad anxiety when I moved to the UK at age 15 when I and my mum decided it was best for my sports and career that I get away from my home country as there were more opportunities.
After a couple of months there, I got extreme homesickness and anxiety- my grades crashed and I begged my mum to let me come home.
fast forward 10 years, I am now 26
I have loads of behavioural problems from compulsive lying, stealing of friends, cheating on girlfriends. I had finished my degree in banking and finance, but I found it hard to communicate effectively with my employers when it came to setting expectations so I jumped finance jobs three times in 3 years. with long periods of unemployment in between(out of my own choice). I also find it really hard to just get out of bed in the morning and maintain motivation for more than 1 day at a time. I have no idea what career path I want to take and I feel that I have really lost myself. somehow the past 10 years passed and ive become this person that I find disgusting.
ive recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years who had put up with my anxiety, depression and behaviour, I had been trying to end the relationship for 3 years but I always felt guilty for breaking her heart. she was always there to support me and help me through dark times. but it was definaltely an unhealthy relationship from both sides, as she was controlling at the start of the relationship, before i did anything to betray her trust.
I know i am a disgusting human right now. but I also really want to change my ways. I have proved to myself that I can achieve good things when I put my mind to it, by making it to high-level international competitions, completing my degree in finance.
I just feel like there is so much I need to change from within that its a hopeless case, which makes me feel that I should just end it before I hurt more people.
not sure what to do, so any insight would be really appreciated.