Day 17 after 41 years

Postby dbezerkeley » Thu Aug 16, 2018 8:45 pm

It almost seems like I'm bragging about how long I've been a stoner, but I remember feeling bad and trying to quit when I was still in college over 30 years ago, and have tried to quit a million times (efforts which generally lasted <5 days), so for those of you who want to quit the feeling will likely never change. I guess I feel like I'm running out of time to see what life is really like without THC in the brain. There's really no reason I kept smoking that I can think of, raised middle class in a nice family, no trauma or challenges out of the ordinary. Weed was very popular when I was in high school, the first time I tried it I fell in love with it and almost immediately became a daily smoker. But over time all my friends grew up and quit, and for some reason I never did, I mostly smoke alone these days. The only excuse I can think of is that I've always had boring corporate cubicle jobs that I've hated but paid too well to quit, so maybe it has helped me accept my reality while reducing the ambition to actually change. Weed is my only real weakness, I have no issues at all with food or any other drugs or alcohol, I have a healthy lifestyle, long time gym member, I sometimes wish alcohol could be a replacement but drinking only makes me want to smoke more. I went a few months maybe 20 years ago when I was working in Hawaii and could not find any, I remember walking the beaches unsuccessfully looking for a dealer, and remember how great that first puff felt when I got home. I've had a stressful job these past 3 years which forced me to cut back to only evenings and weekends, but before that I smoked any morning noon or night, every day. I never smoked a lot in terms of quantity, because its so strong here in California and I never wanted to waste money rolling joints and watching it go up in smoke, but my frequency has always been high, a couple of puffs at a time. Other than wondering if life will be better sober, I've been experiencing bad anxiety upon waking in the morning, intrusive negative thoughts, and I'm praying that not smoking helps with these, so far it seems to, it makes me feel mentally stronger and better able to control my emotions. It's depressing to read posts that relate how long this journey will take, I was hoping it would only be a couple of months, but thanks to you I know to prepare for a longer struggle. Right now at day 17 the main issues are fatigue, lack of motivation, lack of enthusiasm, sudden irritation, and ungodly vivid dreams. Ironically I chose to quit the year it has become legal in California, and there are shops springing up everywhere that sell 30 different strains of everything, I know how alcoholics must feel driving by liquor stores all the time. Wish me luck, I'm so disgusted with myself over this that I think this will finally be my successful attempt, I will strive to support others here when I feel that I have something useful to contribute. Thank you.
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Postby Cali-Detroit » Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:35 am

Hey Dbrz, welcome. Sounds like you've come to terms with what your up against. I'll apologize in advance for being one of the ones who have been so verbose about the cruel reality of the situation. Vivid descriptions of the madness help me, and hopefully others, realize the gravity of the situation. It's a fkn psychedelic drug, no two ways about it. Long term abuse completely rewires you in ways we cant even understand. Sounds like you may have a few years on myself, but hey better late than never. I got family that are never going to know who they are, or could've been. Potential untapped, unknown.

I won't blather on, as your suffering enough. I'll just say embrace that, the pain, the agony, all of it. I don't know a single day as an adult not high or at least affected by it. At 40 years old I'd like to see wtf I'm actually capable of. Apparently, it's a path worth traveling. At 4 months, I'm not seeing it. But I never will if I don't try. I hate discomfort, loathe it with a passion. I've avoided opportunities simply because they would have required more out of me than I cared to give. It altered the course of everything. But as long as I'm happy right?
Now it's time to suffer, and for as long as it takes. A terrible position to be in, especially when you have people depending on you.

There's a reason most people are drunk or high quite often. It works. I hope in the future I have hope to offer from my experience. But for now, learn to swim in the darkness, embrace the cold, revel in the cruelty that is life in an unaltered state. Don't fight it, welcome it.

Oh yeah exercise does help too. And caffeine, for the motivation. Good luck
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