Will my depressed ex come back?

Postby FeelingHelpess » Mon Aug 20, 2018 2:01 am

My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me a couple of weeks ago (7/29) and he admitted to me that it was because he was depressed and he felt unhappy with himself. I am just confused because the week before and the day of he was talking about how bad he wanted me in his life and how he wanted kids and he was being serious because I got off of my birth control and he hasn't been pulling out, so I thought everything was okay and then we got into an argument and he blew up and said that it was it, so we didn't talk for a day and then he came with me to my sisters and he told me that there was no way I was going to change his mind...the rest of the day I was feeling sad and he kept asking me why I was ignoring him and why I was being quiet and it's like well you just ended a 5 year relationship. so we talked that night after my sisters and I cried so much and he said that he can't be with me because at first he said that I made him unhappy but then he said he was depressed and he had contemplated suicide and then I told him why tell me you want a future, want to move out together, have kids, etc and he said I thought if I said it enough I would be happy. We ended up at his house after and he felt bad so he said "okay I'll stay." and he deactivated his social media accounts (it didn't last he activated them like 5 days later) and then he angrily texts me on Wednesday (8/1) saying some girl called him asking if he was ready to have fun and he thought it was me but I was asleep at that time so he remained angry and then he texted me that his coach wanted him to pull out of his weight lifting competition because he lost alot of weight, and I noticed...and I told him honestly I think you could do it, and he said he didn't feel like talking to anybody and I said okay but are we still us? and he said idk so for that week he was being really mean and distant so I went to go see him at his house to talk (8/3) I showed up he said he was feeling happier until he saw me then he told me he was going to commit suicide the wednesday that had passed but his friends surprised him and wanted him to go out on friday, so he said I'm just gonna stay in with you I'm not going to go out and we're going to stay together. He went to the gym and I told him I would wait at his house because I was going to see a friend and I thought she would swing by to pick me up (she was running errands so she couldn't see me till like 9) anyways he comes back from the gym like at 6 and I'm still there so he asks me why are you still here and I said because my friend hasn't texted me back so he said okay fine but if she doesn't come before 8 I'm just gonna take you home, I said okay. (He ended up going out) So we're just watching tv and I'm sitting at the edge of the bed and he said just lay down it's okay just get comfortable so I laid on him and he asked me what was wrong and while he was at the gym I wrote him this letter saying how he needs to keep pushing forward and that soon this ill pass and that I was sorry I couldn't understand the situation...so we started talking and I said I just didn't understand why he just dumped me out of the blue and he said he couldn't hurt me like this anymore and how he needed to get help (he told me he was going to see a therapist) so I said okay fine but just let me be here as your girlfriend and he said no because he felt numb and he didn't feel anything anymore so I got up and got the letter and I gave him the promise ring with it. he read the letter and he started sobbing and I haven't seen him cry like that in months so I really felt bad, but I wrote very encouraging words in that letter so he started hugging me and crying and saying that he was so sorry and that he didn't mean all the mean things he said to me the past week and I hugged him and said that he WILL get through this and he started saying how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he started kissing me and saying sorry and I just let him cry and he said that he still couldn't put me through this, so he ended up taking me to my friends house and he said promise me if something happens you to call me and I told him promise me that you will call me when you feel suicidal again or you just need somebody to talk to and he promised, we stayed in the car for a while and we were both crying at this point and I said maybe when you feel better we can try again? and he said no because he couldn't do this to me again, he grabbed my face and kissed me and hugged me, we said goodbye and I texted him that I was inside and he said okay good and I told him please don't drink so much, and he said I promise, so a week goes by and his mom texted me saying why he was crying and why he was sad and I said that we had broken up and she kept asking me if he was depressed and he promised me he would tell his parents and he eventually did a couple of days ago, so his mom and I have been texting each other since then and I check in on him through her and she is more than happy to talk to me, so I visited him on Thursday (8/9) uninvited and I was nervous because I thought it would be like last time so I called him and said I needed to talk and that I was at his front doorstep and he opened the door and he wasn't upset he said let's talk in my room, so we get there and we start talking about the situation and I asked him how he was feeling and if he was okay and he said he was better but that he was coping, so through out our conversation he was grabbing my hand, arms, legs, massaging my feet, and apologizing but it felt nice, one thing led to another and we had sex and he didn't pull out, he didn't even bother to push me off, and he apologized about having sex but I knew we both wanted it, so he had work that night and I told him don't be surprised if I'm gone when you wake up for work, and he said no and I said why? He said "Because if I wake up and you're not here I'm gonna be sad, so stay." and I lost it and started crying and I said okay I'll stay so it felt like a normal day for us just cuddling and all that I would try to move and he would only hug me tighter, he held my hand as well, when his alarm went off he woke up sad and said he had to get ready, while he's getting ready it just felt like a normal day we were joking with each other smiling and talking like normal and the whole time I was talking he was looking at me with the biggest smile on his face like he was mesmerized, he dropped me off at home and the whole way home he held my hand and he started to smile and his eyes got watery. when he dropped me off at home I didn't expect my sister to be home so he said "oh I kind of wanted to be alone with you and cry" he stayed for 10 mins and I walked him out and he said "okay mama, I gotta go.' he kissed me and hugged me I went after him for another hug and he gave me the biggest smile and got into his car, later on that night I texted him and he said "I'm dying at work rn you're killing me I can't stop thinking about you." and we just ended the conversation with a goodbye and he texted me like 5 mins after saying remember what I told you on friday. I didn't talk to him until yesterday, I had this plan where I was going to purchase this book called "mans search for meaning" and mail it to him along with another letter to show that I'm still supportive and that if he ever needed anybody to talk to that I was there I also mentioned that he was a strong person and that he influenced me alot, so I did just that and I dropped it in his mailbox on Friday (8/17) he texted me the next day saying that he really appreciated the note and that he would start reading the book soon because he was interested in it and I said I'm glad he liked it and that I hoped he was doing okay and we just left it at that and he said thank you again I appreciate it and we haven't talked since then, he still views my stories on snapchat and on instagram he has not missed a single one, but I don't view his because I just can't, all my friends told me to give it time and to love him from afar his own mom said that I should give him time because she knows we'll end up back together when he gets better but I honestly don't know and his competition is this Sunday (8/26) and I actually have the day off would it be a bad idea to show up? He also still has all of our old pictures and old things I gave him over time (cards, gifts, etc) in his closet and he still has my ring and he also refuses to delete our pictures on his phone...is it really over? his depression got really bad and all I want to do is be there for him and at this point the relationship is the last thing on my mind I just want him to be okay and make sure that he's going to therapy...Please I just want to know if waiting is the best thing or just moving on is the best thing.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Aug 20, 2018 2:20 pm

When a relationship ends we search for a cause or reason. Naturally we try to narrow it down to a single cause such as depression. It is easier to understand, remember, and avoid in the future if we can reduce it to "depression". Reality is that there are multiple reasons or causes as to why the relationship struggled and came to an end.

Depression is often a focus and used as the main or only cause, because depression is blameless. It allows a person to exit a relationship anytime they like and it is a no fault exit. It is not their fault, it was the disease and it is not your fault, it is the disease. This allows all other reasons or contributing factors to be ignored.

Moving forward is the best option, but with conditions. You need to take some time to reflect on you as a person and what you have learned. You need to ask yourself why you would want to be in an intimate relationship with an unhealthy person? Why were you attracted to a person that would tell you one minute they want to have kids and the next they are contemplating suicide? Is this a person to spend the rest of your life with and raise a family?

In answering the questions frame it as self reflection, learning, and the opportunity to grow. Avoid framing it as failure or placing blame.
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Postby lifelonglearner » Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:21 pm

Hello FeelingHelpless,

I know that this response is over a month late, but I am new to this forum and your post was the first to catch my attention. I am also a young individual in a relationship, but I am able to give insight from the opposite perspective because I am both a guy and someone that has suffered from depression.

In my experience, the main problems that arise with ALL relationships grow from the misunderstanding of facts and feelings, as well as when to use them as grounds for doing things. For example, one person might find himself considering whether or not to break up because he finds evidence of cheating, while another person might find himself considering the same thing because he FEELS like he is being undervalued or cheated on possibly. The reason that I point this out is that relationships involving depressed individuals like myself are not all that different. We also decide things from a balance of facts and feelings, the same way that anyone else would.

With that being said, I will now attempt to answer your question of whether or not your depressed ex will return. The simple answer is that he has just as much chance of returning as any other guy if we are considering that he is making decisions based on the same logic as the others. The difference, however, is that what he feels may be different from what others feel, and his final choices will be different as well. Sadly, depressed individuals aren't all made alike. While we may agree that your ex-boyfriend may be struggling through emotions that you might not be able to guess, the problem is that there may not be anyone that will be able to guess perfectly - at the end of the day, he is the only one that knows himself. I will say that it appears that he has a primary concern with keeping you close by, whether for purposes of building a family in the future or for current events, I am not sure. But as your other respondent posted, it is now a question of whether or not you should be with him if he does come back.

Now, I know that may be hard to hear. After all, you were together for quite a while! But I need to tell you, as a depressed person, I sometimes needed things to not go the way that I wanted. I needed to mature and understand that whether I was crying or not, life would not just bend over backward for my benefit. This helped me to realize that being sad and expecting someone else to rescure me was a foolish venture, and helped develop some self-preservation; I developed the WANT to save myself. I think that your support of your ex should be continued, but only you can decide how much to give him.
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