Ask her out?

Postby noknow » Tue Aug 21, 2018 7:20 am

I started seeing this girl a month ago. We know each other through a big group of friends. We both went through a breakup about a month ago. We're both into Soccer and met up to practice. We've played Soccer twice. She invited me to a big party and got to meet all of her friends. They all really liked me. I also started doing lite Kino. Touching her shoulder in conversation, she didn't seem to mind it. We plan to meet up and this weekend and play Soccer and I'm thinking about asking her out afterwards. It seems like the right time. Is there something I'm missing? Rationally everything seems to fit, but I'm doubting my feelings for some reason...
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Aug 21, 2018 2:47 pm

What is your fear?

Ask her out...or don't ask her out. What is the absolute worst outcome? You have to have some fantasy or imagined outcome that you fear.

Based on your previous threads it seems like you need to spend some time working on yourself. Instead, after only a month of being out of a year long relationship you are focused on finding and jumping into a new relationship. This might be fine if you were confident and knew what you wanted in life, but you hold doubts. You doubt who you are and what you want. In fact, you hold such doubts that you question yourself and fear the simple act of asking this new person out.

Just my opinion, but I think you are avoiding the process of reflecting and improving yourself. Instead of getting out of a year long relationship and taking time to confront and learn about yourself, you are instead turning your energies outward. You need to focus your time and energy inward. Where are you weak, what do you need to improve, what are your goals, what do you want to achieve? Get a plan together, get yourself together, and then you will no longer need to ask if you should ask her out.
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#2

Postby noknow » Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:00 am

My original fear is based on rejection.

We played Soccer and had a great time. We then got lunch and we talked about us. We talked about how much we liked each other, relationships, etc. Then she said that she's still recovering from her breakup (3 yr rel.) and wont be dating for a while. It sounds like she really went through a rough time. So she made it very clear to me that any interaction we have wont be a romantic one and not to wait for her. I feel better that we had a conversation and that there is nothing ambiguous.

Rationally I know I should work on myself. But emotionally I want to date someone.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Aug 26, 2018 2:39 am

noknow wrote:My original fear is based on rejection.


And what happened when she rejected you? It wasn’t so bad was it? Nothing all that horrible happened, right?
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#4

Postby noknow » Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:20 am

I mean it still sucked but it was probably for the best.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:24 pm

noknow wrote:I mean it still sucked but it was probably for the best.


The take away, hopefully, is that in the future if you are interested in someone you don’t need advice on whether or not you should ask someone out. Rejection isn’t so bad, so just do it. Don’t delay, don’t over think it.
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#6

Postby noknow » Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:45 pm

Something I've noticed is that I overthink almost EVERYTHING. And it leads to hesitation and stagnation. But I don't understand why. I know there is a fear component. I just can't seem to get past it sometimes.
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#7

Postby n01 » Mon Aug 27, 2018 1:50 am

noknow wrote:Then she said that she's still recovering from her breakup (3 yr rel.) and wont be dating for a while. It sounds like she really went through a rough time. So she made it very clear to me that any interaction we have wont be a romantic one and not to wait for her.

So this ok. You can continue to work your charm on her, and she might move from her original position and be up for some sex. You'd like that wouldnt you? :) Not boyfriend and girlfriend attachment. But still something you both benefit from. Win win.
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#8

Postby moondaddy1 » Mon Aug 27, 2018 1:10 pm

Noknow,

Overthinking and an excess of selfconsciousness always leads to hesitation and stagnation. You're right that there is still a fear component which almost certainly is based on an existing fear of rejection or perhaps abandonment but you definitely can get past it. Everyone gets "rejected" at some point or other and in some way or other and the way to deal with that is by correcting the imbalance in your mind that causes the rejection to seem much more important than it actually is.

Even if she does "reject" you, so what? Are you going to go out and throw yourself under a bus? Will the world as you know it suddenly end? Of course not, you put it behind you and move on, it's not actually important enough for you to do anything else. And once you do move on, you'll realise that the "rejection" didn't hurt as much as you'd thought it would, in fact doesn't really hurt at all.
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#9

Postby noknow » Tue Aug 28, 2018 12:02 am

But isn't it good to analyze? How do you find a balance between under analyzing and making an ill-formed decision and over analyzing getting paralysis by analysis?
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