Regret Over Sibling Sexual Experimentation - Need Help

#15

Postby DaSilva1727 » Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:54 pm

Wow that was amazing Xscreen I'm very grateful for that advice on OCD.

After reading all that maybe it is my OCD that makes me feel guilty and ashamed from the incident although multiple people on forums, as well as my therapist, told me that it's not a bad situation and nothing to really worry about.

I'm going to start taking these things into my daily life and hopefully they will get better in time. My regret wont go away and the situation wont be forgotten but at least I wont give it much reaction or emotion so that it doesnt paralyze me

Thanks again :)
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#16

Postby Demerise831 » Tue May 21, 2019 11:01 pm

xscreen wrote:I relate to this post so much. I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts about a similar experience when I was in my teens. This happened when I was 15-16-17 I can't really recall exactly how old I was (that kinda freaks me out) and the other person involved was way younger than me. Happened during like a wrestle or something I can't really remember how, but it ended up in some rubbing that up until this day disgusts me. The other person didn't even know this occurred because it was during a game. No threats or force were involved.
The memories hit me up all of a sudden and to be honest, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to make of them. Sometimes I still believe I was an abuser and that is debilitating. The fact that I can't remember everything clearly makes everything worse. OCD makes you wanna have control over everything but you can't control thoughts. They can pop up whenever/wherever and they are not even complete, so you fill up the holes with the worse ideas. "What if?"
I just started with antidepressants (sertraline) to deal with anxiety/OCD and I'm having therapy sessions. My therapist says it's somehow normal to engage in that type of behavior when you are exploring sexuality but I'm still troubled about the age thing. I guess we all develop differently and we need to understand that we cannot analyze things that happened years ago when we were young with an adult mindset. I just came here to tell you that you are not alone, it's damn hard sometimes but you are not a bad person. I hope you get the help you need.


Hi there. I am a 34 year old female. With a similar situation. When I was around the age of 12 I acted inappropriately while babysitting on two separate occasions. It was never preplanned. I was and have never been attracted to children. I have basically suppressed these memories until about two months ago and now it has consumed me. I don’t understand how I could have not thought about it all these years. I sometimes wonder whether it really happened or was a dream/what I was thinking. Both were with little children around 1-2years. The first situation I was holding the child and placed their hand over top my privates. I just wanted to know what it would feel like. The second situation I struggle to know if it indeed happened because the memory is so fuzzy and lacks details. But basically after I had changed the child I wanted to know what it would feel like to press myself against them.

I’m a very loving and good person. I’m a wife and mother and would never dream of hurting anyone. But these thoughts absolutely disgust me. But I keep telling myself that my 12 year old self was someone who was curious and didn’t know proper boundaries. My intentions were never to hurt anyone. And thank god the children were little and have no memory.

I sometimes wonder if my own experiences effected my boundaries. When I was 9/10 a family friend exposed his genitals to me. And then right around the age of 12 I was exposed to pornographic material.

May I ask how old the children were? And which country do you live in? I’ve wanted to talk to someone but I fear the therapist would have to break confidentiality and report me.

I started setraline 2.5 weeks ago and it’s been absolutely awful. Now on 50mg. I am in a panic almost all day. The insomnia (probably due to the anxiety and constant pure OCD) has been awful and I’m having to take 25mg of Trazodone to sleep. I still wake periodically in a panic. Appetite is totally gone and I’m so nauseous. I hope it gets better soon.
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#17

Postby xscreen » Tue May 21, 2019 11:51 pm

Hi Demerise831, I'm really sorry you're going through this.
To answer your question, I was 16 and the other person was around 6. I'm still on antidepressants but my psychiatrist made me switch to Vilazodone bcs Sertraline was killing off my libido.
Be strong and have patience, Sertraline is really effective but tends to have some nasty side effects on some people. They will disappear within a few days, I promise.

Hope you can come around this. It takes a lot of courage to accept our past and go forward in life. Own who you are and it will get better.

Talk to your therapist about this. There's no way they can report you because 1) you cannot held accountable for this because you were a child and it happened a long time ago 2) actually it is not that big of a deal, its your brain that's making it grow out of proportion making you doubt yourself and feel guilty.

I recommend you to read my previous posts where I shared some info about OCD and intrusive thoughts. You have no idea how much that helped me out.

Wish you the best and take care!
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#18

Postby Demerise831 » Wed May 22, 2019 1:45 am

xscreen wrote:Hi Demerise831, I'm really sorry you're going through this.
To answer your question, I was 16 and the other person was around 6. I'm still on antidepressants but my psychiatrist made me switch to Vilazodone bcs Sertraline was killing off my libido.
Be strong and have patience, Sertraline is really effective but tends to have some nasty side effects on some people. They will disappear within a few days, I promise.

Hope you can come around this. It takes a lot of courage to accept our past and go forward in life. Own who you are and it will get better.

Talk to your therapist about this. There's no way they can report you because 1) you cannot held accountable for this because you were a child and it happened a long time ago 2) actually it is not that big of a deal, its your brain that's making it grow out of proportion making you doubt yourself and feel guilty.

I recommend you to read my previous posts where I shared some info about OCD and intrusive thoughts. You have no idea how much that helped me out.

Wish you the best and take care!


I don’t see a way to PM you on your profile. Feel free to PM me back and we can chat outside these feed.

Thank you so much for your nice words. It means a lot!

How old are you now? Are you male? How long did you suppress the memory for?

Which country do you live in where you can talk to someone confidentially? Where I live we have strict laws regarding this stuff and I worry about being reported.

The setraline has been a beast. My anxiety with it is through the roof. I just upped to 50mg this past Sunday. I can barely function. The insomnia is unreal. Im sure it’s the anxiety pulling through. The heartburn is also. I take Prilosec each evening now. I’m so nauseous from morning until the evening (I take it around 9am after my thyroid meds absorb and I eat something) I’ve dropped about 15lbs in the past month. Oh yes and the sex troubles too. Takes me a lot longer. I tried Lexapro for one week. Came off of it for a week. And then started on the Setraline 2.5 weeks ago. Though thankfully I have a slight sense of calm this evening. I hope this continues.

I wish you peace and good health. Please reach out if you’d like to stay in touch.
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#19

Postby Candid » Fri May 24, 2019 10:16 pm

xscreen wrote:I'm gonna paste some info at the end of the post that helped me a lot!


Good stuff, xscreen, but for future reference, please put author names, or links, on copied material.
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#20

Postby Tish tash » Wed Dec 23, 2020 10:02 am

I wish my brother would talk about the two times I temper us experimenting . He was older and it went to far not sex but other stuff . I felt sick and guilt . Our relationship was never the same. As I’m older I remember it and it’s made me feel awkward around him and distant . I wish we would talk about it and I wish he would go see someone because I know it affects him too.

If your the elder sibling do what’s right . Stop hiding even if you didn’t mean to hurt them then or knew what you were doing was wrong then . You do now . So take the step to end the guilt and shame.
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#21

Postby leomehallian » Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:26 pm

hey, i am suffering from a very similar problem. so, if by any chance if you are still available i would really appreciate if you could let me know weather have you over come your problem
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#22

Postby Itsmeagain2021 » Wed Jan 27, 2021 12:52 pm

Hi,
I'm a 43 year old woman and I'm having great difficulty in a memory of me doing something completely inappropriate with my brother who is 3.5 years younger than me. This happened when I was somewhere around the age of 10-12, to be honest the memory is very foggy. I definitely don't remember forcing him to do anything but I was the older sibling and should have known better. I've been completely obsessed with this memory for the last few weeks and have been waking at night freaking over it. I'm so afraid I've done him damage. He still lives at home with our parents and has never had a girlfriend as far as I know. We get along fine, not super close or anything. We had a bit of a falling out, if you could even call it that about 3 years ago but I spoke to him, apologised (not relevant to this memory) I asked him then was it anything else and he said no. I've never brought it up with him as I can't even be sure he remembers it. It was 30+ years ago after all. I've been with my husband for over twenty years and we have three children. I definitely don't have any attractions to kids and am a fairly normal person. I just feel that everything I thought about myself is a lie and that I am a fraud. I tried to apologise a few weeks back but I just couldn't get the words out and didn't know how to even broach the subject. In my case, the only sex education I had at the time was a book given to me by my mother which mainly described what would happen to me during puberty. Sex would've been a completely taboo subject. But I can't blame that. I've been trawling online and have come across a page for survivors of child on child sexual abuse and feel like I am a perpetrator of this. I had completely forgotten this memory for a long time then it would pop up every now and again but I was always able to brush it off as me being a stupid kid. But now I feel like ill never get over it.
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#23

Postby Joe9899 » Fri Apr 02, 2021 5:53 pm

Hi everyone, I know it’s been 3 years since this feed was active but I’m just hoping you can help me with a similar situation. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and ocd symptoms because I excessively worry about everything. I’m currently taking sertraline 100mg to help with this. I know I should talk to a therapist but I’m just scared too. I’m not a bad person and have always wanted to do good in my life but I just feel so ashamed of something that happened when I was younger as a pre teen or teenager with my cousin, which I’ve always labelled as experimentation and just being a kid. My brother said it’s not even that bad but I’m literally worrying about everything to the point that I’ve had suicidal thoughts a lot. It’s like I need closure but because I can’t remember I can’t get it and not being able to remember is making me imagine worst case scenarios. If anyone is still there and active I would really appreciate the help. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve hit rock bottom.
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#24

Postby tokeless » Fri Apr 02, 2021 6:05 pm

So, what would make you feel better about it? You've got a therapist, medication and you still feel the same.... what would a forum tell you that would help more?
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#25

Postby Joe9899 » Fri Apr 02, 2021 6:14 pm

I haven’t got a therapist yet but I don’t know if I should get one. It’s just hard to make that step. It’s just because I can only see myself slipping further down this staircase and I can’t seem to pull myself out. I just don’t really know what’s going on
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#26

Postby tokeless » Fri Apr 02, 2021 7:31 pm

My apologies, I misread your post in the other thread. Having a talk to a therapist will be better than chasing opinions on a forum... I guess you have to be brave, face your fears, which most are just irrational thoughts or beliefs anyway. Or, you can maintain your misery.
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#27

Postby Joe9899 » Fri Apr 02, 2021 7:42 pm

Thankyou for the reply. It really means a lot to me. I think speaking to a therapist is the right thing to do even though it will be hard, for my own sanity it needs to be done. I just hope I get the closure I need to move on with my life and be happy. Wish you all the best
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