9 1/2 months weed withdrawal

Postby Robb1e_g » Fri Aug 31, 2018 1:35 am

Hey guys, I’ve posted many times asking for help and posting progress, love the support on here, but I’d like to give another update and maybe some reassurance or to see if what I’m still going through is even normal.

I’ll give another quick story on my background with weed, I’m currently 19 gonna be 20 soon (teenage years full of craziness already) I smoked some very potent wax for a year daily, and quit cold turkey the day I decided to chain smoke four bowls and 3 or 4 globs of dabs along with my first tab of lsd- only other drug I’ve ever taken besides weed, I’m a very sensitive person already and I realized then when having the most depressive panic attack trip of my life that I needed to get the **** away from this hellish drug. I am still very terrified of what I experienced that night and I really hope i didn’t do anything permanent to myself. I still panic thinking about that hellish day.

Anyways, I quit and the first few days were fine I thought that was it and I was gonna have my life back again, then what I believe is PAWS hit me like a truck.

First few months were hellish, obviously things are much much better now.

I will say month 8 was almost a breeze in quitting, I had many days where I felt real good with really the only thing I could recognize was slight dr/dp in the background of my head.

However, for the most part some days can still be quite the battle such as today. I still feel very bipolar with it all, I woke up and felt great and so thankful and joyous, and about halfway through the day I was playing xbox and it hit me like a truck, I started questioning life and death and reality and started panicking and doubting myself and having a huge inner battle (this has happened throughout my withdrawal) and I’ve heard suicidal thoughts are a normal part of recovery and I don’t know if I’d say I actually considered about it but I will panic every time any sort of thoughts about that and life and death pop into my head uncontrollably. Ihave no desire to take my life as I love myself and my family and friend and god and I have purpose. I have never had depression or anxiety before quitting weed. I will rarely but sometimes get tingling in my head and numbness that flows down my body before having something manic like this happen. But the feelings are so desperate and hopeless and scary. I feel like I’m not real sometimes still and sometimes just need to escape and have vision problems at least once a day.

I know that’s a lot to read but I’d be so thankful for someone to reassure me that it’s just PAWS and they know how I’m feeling. I hope these thoughts and feelings go away.

I am thankful for the days I have felt good and even amazing though, I hope it turns into a full time thing. I trust my family and you guys and God and I have hope so I will not give up. Thanks guys

Rob
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#1

Postby Astro413 » Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:39 am

I’m going to go ahead and tell you right now that I didn’t smoke wax but I smoked some good $hit for about a year 1/2-2 years daily and while I’m only 2.5 months off my symptoms/mental process are the same as yours which should lead you to believe that it is just PAWS. Like you I never had any issues before or while I was smoking, it all started the week after I decided to stop on my own, and to be fair I’m only 21, we’re both young and got out of this at the right time. I know it may seem easy for me to say considering I haven’t been struggling for 9 months like you have but be patient, I AM struggling too, it’s just going to take time and the fact you were smoking wax so it is going to take a little longer. Personally I’ve never had the urge/taken LSD but I’m sure whatever you experienced won’t scar you, your PAWS emotions (anxiety/depression) force you to panic and focus on the negative, so just try not to and let it pass pand with time..
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#2

Postby Astro413 » Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:41 am

If it makes you feel any better you said that your 8th month was a breeze meaning you’ve reached a stage where you notably have good, maybe even normal days on a consistent basis whereas I am struggling to have 3 consecutive decent days. Keep your head up.
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#3

Postby Robb1e_g » Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:51 am

Hey Astro413 , I really appreciate the reply man. That’s awesome bro so you’re about 7 or so months clean? That’s so dope, I’ve never been happier to be away from that dreaded stuff. I’ve actually always hated drugs, I was peer pressured into weed and by the time I was offered a tab of lsd I was just too baked and weed had basically taken over my life at that point. Crazy sh** man, but I hope you recover quickly man for sure. Sometimes I forget the fact that it’s actually weed withdrawal doing this insane stuff to us. I start blaming it on myself and putting myself down which isn’t good at all. I’m definitely gonna try and work more on that. Definitely post some progress in the future, I look forward to being full recovered and talking about it later down the road. I’m afraid it’ll probably take me 1 1/2 to 2 years to feel completely better but who knows, I hope you recover quicker man, let’s just be thankful that we know we’ll fully recover eventually, best wishes
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#4

Postby BullFrog » Fri Aug 31, 2018 2:20 pm

Robb1e, very normal what you are going through. The whole experience of having good days (or even a month) and then you hit a setback is very common. It's both frustrating and reassuring. Frustrating because you think you are out of the clear but very reassuring because now you know your body can truly get better. It has that capability.

Depression, anxiety and even suicide thoughts are truly terrible things but the vast majority of people experience those during PAWS. It's easier said then done, but do you best not to "fear" it especially if they come upon you. It's "normal". Keep up the good work and keep pushing through. Keep doing lots of exercise and, of course, the best medicine of all: time.
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#5

Postby Astro413 » Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:33 pm

Just a correction, I am not 7 months free. Only 2.5 months unfortunately but I agree with bullfrog, time is the only medicine. Throughout this whole process I’ve constantly questioned my purpose, my worth, whether my friends even like me or not, etc. I’ve gone through and still am going through all the depression, the headaches, the flu symptoms, horrible sleep, the existential anxiety, health anxiety (I went to the doctor 3 times to get tests done), social anxiety (I’m in college and have never felt lonelier because I’m to afraid to talk to my peers in class, which would have never been the case before I started smoking) but I can tell you for sure that I’m already in a much better state than I was in the first month, I was in a literal constant panic attack for four weeks. I couldn’t even listen to music without panicking... over what? Nothing. And I’ve never had any issues before this and I remember who I was before this so I know. It’s just takes time man and you have to ignore it the best you can and just keep chugging along. I know why so many people relapse around the 3-6 month mark, it’s because after that initial stage of panic is over you can chill out a little bit, but you’re still hit with the depression and anxiety of it and start to think that is how you were before. I’ve read enough forums on here to know that’s not the case. My only question is I want to know how it feels to really beat this, do you just wake up one day and feel like a new person, do you forget about everything, how do you know?? This is something I have not found on these forums and irritates me because I have mornings every now and then where I wake up and feel good but shitty at the same time and it is very frustrating. Not here to hijack your forum, just giving my two cents. Stick with it you’re doing good.
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#6

Postby leavepawsbehind » Fri Aug 31, 2018 4:18 pm

HI Robb1e, I'm 7.5 months clean and right there with you. I'll have a few days or even a couple of weeks now where I feel almost 100% with some low-key weirdness in the background. Then I'll get flattened by a wave of PAWS and not sleep for a night and feel super anxious with dp/dr. I can't deny the improvement though and am excited to keep improving.
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#7

Postby Robb1e_g » Fri Aug 31, 2018 4:54 pm

So glad to see we aren’t alone in this hell guys, but I have good faith we will be out of the woods one day, and Astro413, I truly believe you will realize and feel like a new person once you truly beat this, through my recovery in the 7 to 8 month mark I have a had a few moments of feeling this improvement at least. I felt so joyous and happy I wanted to cry and just be grateful. So I have a good assumption that you will know when you’re past it, because you will feel like yourself again and confident and be able to look back on it as the toughest experience of your life. Keep looking up guys never look down
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#8

Postby Lucy0611 » Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:00 am

Hello Robb1e, How are you today? Im about 11 months clean now and I have the same struggle. Last 10 days were nothing, I felt great and happy. Since yesterday without any reason the anxiety and depression hit me hard again. I could cry all day but I pray it's just recovery and not for the rest of my life. This forum give us so much hope. You are right: it is the toughest experience of our life. Stay strong
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#9

Postby BullFrog » Sat Sep 01, 2018 3:52 pm

Hey Lucy, I like to think of those days were we begin to feel fantastic as true proof we can get better. It's not real consolation once a setback occurs and we start feeling all the nasty feelings again. I know, it's demoralizing. But purely from an objective perspective, if our mind can feel better or even outright "normal" for several days or even a month, then that must be proof it can one day be a permanent healing. I suppose time is our one true ally, right? Hope you are having a better day as well. :)
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#10

Postby Robb1e_g » Sat Sep 01, 2018 4:33 pm

Hey Lucy, i know this will make you feel better, because I had those 3 to 5 days where I felt like I was fighting for my life with depression and anxiety when I posted this thread not too long ago, and since yesterday I’ve felt really good again with it only in the background slightly. If it kinda popped up i was able to get away from it again. I’ve realized through l of this it only gets worse if you fight the depression and anxiety, the best thing is to accept it and let it run it’s course as hard as it is, and the key is to not fear. I am definitely trying to work on this when it hits me. I have also found many people feel significant happiness and much much better by the one and a half year mark. It’s not far away at all guys. I know we’ll all be alright. We are all awesome for quitting and need to be kind to ourselves but never forget that there are comsequences to abusing drugs, so it makes sense we are going through this guys, thanks for all the replies though it really helps me and everyone else on this forum
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#11

Postby Astro413 » Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:48 pm

Robb1e I have to ask, early into your quit did you ever feel lost or empty or like you just do t care about anything? I don’t know if this is part of the depression or anxiety, but I have had this looming sensation of feeling like I have no purpose or like “what’s the point”, even on good days and I’m constantly obsessing over when this will pass, which again has never been the case prior to smoking. This feeling has only come upon me recently but this is very troubling to say the least and to know that others have experienced/overcome this would be very good to hear.
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#12

Postby BullFrog » Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:14 am

Astro, while I can't say I have had that feeling (not yet anyway and hopefully I never will), but I have read many that have had that kinda sensation. I have read about aimlessness, despondency, pending doom, purposelessness, and others when it comes to this issue. Hopefully someone else who has experienced can give their two bits so you can hear it from someone directly, but nothing you are saying sounds odd to me based on what I have read from others (and not just this forum but others I was a part of before I found this one).

And Robb, I agree. I realize it is only worse for me when I fear it. It's best to take all of our strength and apply it into accepting our condition and don't fear it when we are in the throes of it. It's not going to kill us. We aren't actually being harmed when we are going through the PAWS. No additional damage is occurring. Us fearing it, worrying about it, panicking when it is upon us, THAT is where it is "harmful".
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#13

Postby Robb1e_g » Sun Sep 02, 2018 6:06 pm

Hey Astro413, I actually have had the exact same sensations you are describing for a long time now since I’ve been going through PAWS. I’d say many months. And the answer is you must be patient to let it pass. There will be times it will go away for a small time frame and then sometimes longer periods. But it’s part of the anxiety a lot and the depression as well, nothing to fear. Just don’t let it take over you, be strong and confident in yourself even if you’re scared. This is where the suicidal thoughts would and will hit me, but I know it’s all in my head and it’s not actually the real us. It’s a lot of little battles you have to fight everyday. But it will all go away I promise. Though I feel empty and lost and pointless sometimes I look to God. I turned Christian after suffering with PAWS because I realized the importance of faith and truth. I’ve done much, much research over different religions and world views and have come to the conclusion with evidence that chrisianity is true. I like to watch on YouTube for fun Frank Turek, Ravi Zacharias, and others like them, I don’t like to push any beliefs on anyone, but you’re not here for no reason, you have a purpose and intrinsic value and worth and much to do and a lot of living and loving to do. So don’t worry man at all
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#14

Postby BullFrog » Sun Sep 02, 2018 10:31 pm

Robb, I too am a Christian and found my faith to be helpful during this difficult time. Not to mention it also challenged my faith by revealing in me my inconsistencies and revealing how little I prayed (I pray a lot now!).

I would love to chat more with you about it. I created an anonymous e-mail just for this forum. it is bullf40g and its at the google e-mail. I would write it all out but it won't let me post as it assumes my message is spam. Hope to hear from you soon.

Ravi Zacharias is a great apologist. :)
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