Postby ThisIsMeGuys » Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:32 am

Hi, so I've just started my new job and have new colleagues/friends to talk to. I don't have a lot in common with them and disagree with some of the things they have said. I'm frustrated with how I'm dealing with this and want to become better. At the moment whenever I disagree with someone I don't tell them directly. I'll just say "yes", nod my head or say "I understand". After thinking about this for a while I think it's incredibly rude and I'm disappointed in myself. I believe it's rude because it seems like I'm not paying attention to what they're trying to communicate to me.

I would like to know if it is effective to listen and understand a person's opinion instead of saying I disagree with them? I realise this takes a lot of energy to consistently do, at least for me it does. Is the other person likely to think that I agree with them? I honestly feel really uncomfortable just bluntly telling someone I disagree with them, especially because I'm so fresh into this new job.

Also, what are some other ways of disagreeing with someone? I really don't like the idea of confrontation when it comes to disagreeing with someone. It's never made me feel good in any way. I think plain out saying to someone that I disagree never works and the other person will always hold something against you, especially in a workplace. I also think its very difficult to agree to disagree with people. Just to make myself clear, when I disagree with someone I don't start an argument or throw a temper tantrum. I always make sure I'm not being rude or inconsiderate when someone says something that matters to them.

With all that said, they're extremely kind people and really interesting. I know I can learn a lot from them so I really want to make things work. I've always struggled socially and never tried anything like this. I really want to make this work. Thank you.
New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 11:56 pm
Likes Received: 0


Postby laureat » Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:43 pm

the good news is that you are aware of the problem so dont worry about it

you will soon find the best way how/when to agree or disagree with somebody
Senior Member
Posts: 1548
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:45 pm
Location: Kosovo
Likes Received: 117


Postby emtelligence » Fri Nov 02, 2018 12:46 am

Perhaps start off the sentence (if you're disagreeing) by saying, I value your opinion and understand it, but what if XXXXX?

New Member
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Oct 29, 2018 9:54 pm
Likes Received: 0


Postby Boab64 » Sat Dec 22, 2018 8:04 am

I've never been overburdened with self confidence however, when entering into a new group of people I find it is sometimes best to listen, rather than talk. This does several things. It means you are truly understanding what they are saying to you. Listening, truly listening is a gift both to yourself and others. You learn what makes the person tick and helps you to frame a well reasoned response when you are truly ready. Secondly it gives a chance to ask questions. You can probe the persons point of view further and depending on how you feel at the time, the nature of and the way you frame your question can give the other an insight that you probably don't agree, without entering any conflict. Finally listening, and watching helps you to understand how your new group interact. Who is the leader. Who are the followers. Are there any independent thinkers. That sort of thing.

To disagree straight off with people you don't know well can be seen as combative. It may sometimes be very necessary but you are not betraying yourself (in my opinion) if you don't counter every item a friend or colleague brings up that runs contrary to your own view. Sometimes it is important to choose which battles you fight. Some simply are not worth the effort, some are unwinnable and some may come at a cost ( listening allows you to calculate the cost of entering into a discussion contrary to another).

To never disagree is also not ideal. You come across as not having an opinion and therefore a bit of a sheep. You may feel a bit like you have betrayed yourself by not countering something you feel strongly about. It is balance that is the key. This balance will come from thinking before you speak, understand the issues, understand the social dynamic, evaluate the cost/risk of entering a contrary view, and when you then do

1 make a clam highly reasoned argument
2 make no comments that belittle the other person, make it factual
3 remain calm and as free of emotion as you can muster
4 you can help yourself by using ingratiating phrases as "I can see why you would think that given......but have you considered....."

It's a game my friend and the more you play it the better at it you get. Good hunting.
New Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2018 10:01 pm
Likes Received: 0


Postby Candid » Sat Dec 22, 2018 9:26 am

You could try paraphrasing. This means simply rewording what they say to you, eg. "So you believe that..."

It shows you've listened and understood and gives them a chance to elaborate but doesn't agree with what they've said.
Posts: 9219
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Likes Received: 462

Return to Self Esteem & Confidence