Her husband kissed me, yet I'm the culprit

Postby fluffymagpie » Fri Sep 14, 2018 10:26 am


I'm new here, female, 33 yo.

I used to go out with people I worked with once in a while. With one of them I formed a sowewhat close friendship. This woman is married and has a child. Her husband started to go to our evenings out as well. I liked him and they seemed to have a great marriage.

Anyway, when I went to their home for an evening of drinking things got out of hand. She was so wasted that she had to go to bed early. I stayed up and drank some more. Looking back at that evening, I shouldn't have been drinking so much. When I went to the toilet, the husband kissed me in the doorway. I kissed back.

I didn't tell her because frankly, I was scared I would be the one getting all the hate. Besides that, I didn't have any proof. I thought to myself 'this will not happen again and I won't go to their home ever again.'

We went drinking in a bar few months after that, and I did make the mistake to drink too much again. Anyway, he started to flirt with me and others from our group had noticed this. She started to distance herself from me, the others from the group didn't talk to me at all. Everyone left our group app.

Long story short, I started to drink everyday because I felt responsible and I didn't have anyone anymore. The husband called me to ask me to shut my mouth basically, because he didn't want to admit he kissed me. Just the flirtations almost cost him his marriage, he said. So I kept my mouth shut, because he started to whine about losing his child if they were to divorce.

He would keep me posted, because since I have to work with her I was afraid she would tell people there. Mind you, she never asked me something, she just assumed I was equally willing to flirt with her husband (I never wanted him or anything).

That of course didn't happen and he started to ignore me as well. I still feel so stupid, inapt and not suited for relationships with people. And angry, I feel a lot of anger. Because no one even cared to ask me what had happened.

How to deal with this? I just can't get over the anger, disappointment, pain and blaming myself.

Sorry for the long story and mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.
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Postby quietvoice » Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:14 pm

First off, it seems to me that you must remove the use of alcohol (or any other drug) from your possible ways to spend your time. A clear head will do wonders for clarifying how to go about leading a satisfying life.

Second, instead of spending time, start investing time . . . in yourself. Meditate, exercise, live on fresh raw juices for a time, take some online personal development courses; there's plenty to do that could lead to a better life beyond the daily distractions to which most people fall prey.

As far as a relationship/friendship, maybe joining a club or a class that interests you will be a fertile ground to find someone of like mind with whom you can enjoy social time.

Your English is fine, by the way.
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Postby Candid » Mon Sep 17, 2018 11:07 am

I agree, your English is fine. What you've written strikes me as disingenuous, though. Seven meaty paragraphs about your activities with this bounder, you innocent ("I drank too much"), he knowing you're good for a flirtation even while his wife is present; then just one line asking how you can get over "the anger, disappointment, pain and blaming myself".

Fluffymagpie, your teenage days are long behind you. Drunk or not, if you were still capable of standing, and of remembering what happened next day, you were sober enough to shove him away in no uncertain terms. I believe you that you didn't fancy him at any stage, but clearly you weren't exactly disgusted by what he did. It was flattering, right?

since I have to work with her I was afraid she would tell people there.

It would be remiss of her not to have done so, as a community service. The women you both work with need to know you can't be trusted around their partners. I agree it isn't fair, he accosted you -- but again, you're old enough to know many married men will try it on with any single woman in a mixed group of drinkers. This is especially true when there's a baby or young child at home diverting a wife's attentions from him.

she never asked me something, she just assumed I was equally willing to flirt with her husband...

So you were, on more than one occasion. Tip one for the future: if you're not attracted to a man, or there's a sound reason to steer clear, you need to be completely unambiguous about it. That means when a friend's or colleague's partner makes a move on you, you say "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" or something stronger, not smile sweetly and say "no thanks", and certainly not kiss him back while his wife is passed out in the bedroom.

no one even cared to ask me what had happened.

The wife of this prize specimen knows what happened: her husband was flirting with you for some time and you didn't at any stage tell him where he got off. No doubt he's blaming the booze, as well. So this woman understands that anytime there's you, him and alcohol, the three of you are going to humiliate her in public.

Tip two for the future: if the husband calls you to tell you to keep your mouth shut, or to keep you posted, refuse to engage with him. Hang up, and keep hanging up, or don't answer when you know it's him. You keep the issue alive if you collude with him in any way.

How to deal with this? Learn from it. Make a vow that you're never going to be anyone's bit on the side, because that's precisely what you're heading for if you don't take action to stop a married man before he gets started.

Final tip: other men are watching when you're in a public space, and the best of them will stay right away from a woman who can't say no, either to unsuitable men she "never wanted" or to "just one more drink". Seems to me a course in self-esteem and assertiveness is called for here.
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