Dwarf's journal

Postby AngryDwarf » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:13 pm

Although it is hard to think at the moment, I decided to create written log, mostly to remind myself what I have had go through, hopefully lessening the chances of re-starting smoking in the future (which has already happened twice after quitting for 6 and 7 months).

Time since quitting weed: 72 days / 2½ months

Current state of mind: worst so far. For the past three days I've been having vague aches in the chest, causing me to feel paranoid over having heart attack. I have been feeling anhedonic and anxious in a very existential kind of way. Impending sense of doom, dissociation, people look weird, hard to identify with my own mirror image. I feel soulless. I fear that I or my closed ones could die at any time, and I already feel regret over the way my hypotethical life turned out. It's practically impossible to picture anything positive happening in the future. Doesn't help that I'm unemployed and not seeing other people often. Although I know all of this will pass, this realization is not of much consolidation at the moment, as I still have to face all these overwhelming feelings and sensations.

Up to this point my PAWS had been relatively mild. Last week I was feeling good and productive, due to which I allowed myself have a couple of nights of energy drink & beer. This period also included staying up for one whole night up till the next evening. Big mistake. I have to recommit myself to complete abstinence from psychoactive substances, including coffee and alcohol.
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#1

Postby BullFrog » Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:18 pm

Hey Dwarf, sorry you are going through this crap. DEFINITELY stay away from any and all psychoactive substances. It's an absolute must, especially with you coming up at 3 months. That's the one draw back of having a few good days or even "season" of our recovery where we feel great that we start to go back to bad habits. And, quite frankly, it makes sense. You are feeling great for once and want to go back to doing the things you always did that made you happy and enjoy things. But most of those habits are off limits and others, while not bad, are simply terrible to do while recovering.

My advice, when you start feeling real good and productive....do really good and productive things! Don't stay up partying or drinking. Instead, go hiking with a friend, create something, write a book, learn a language, etc.

Fight on!
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#2

Postby AngryDwarf » Tue Sep 18, 2018 11:20 am

Thank you for your sensible words BullFrog. I agree with all of it. Now a few days later I have mostly recovered from last week's abuse. I feel calm, though also apatethic. That's manageable. It's morbidly fascinating how predictable the timeline of the symptoms is in any given day. They appear around the time at which I used to smoke the most, which is early evening. Then, by midnight, all of the PAWS symptoms will suddenly vanish, as often by that point I would be high enough not to need to smoke any more before going to bed. This lessening of symptoms also plays into the desire to stay up late... perhaps in the long term it's more logical to just bite the bullet and go to bed regardless.
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#3

Postby AngryDwarf » Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:06 pm

Closing in on three months. Anxiety has been subsiding, but it has been replaced by brain fog and general disinterest. I can't think, I can't focus, I just exist on a standby mode. I have been spending a lot of time walking aimlessly and sitting in malls, just absorbing the surroundings. This is mildly entertaining and doesn't require any effort.

PAWS at this stage is kind of like being high. Only instead of the enjoyable aspects, you pnly get the drawbacks: dissociation, lowered cognitive function and passivity. There is this sense of being weirded out by the world. Seemingly normal things blow my mind. How society works, how my body works... when I smoked these thoughts would have left me in awe. Now the reaction is closer to being horrified. What I look forward the most is feeling at home within the surrounding reality.
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#4

Postby BullFrog » Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:24 pm

Thanks for the update, Angry. Keep pushing through. Brain Fog is terrible, but it fades as it has for all of us long enough in recovery.

Hope this weekend will prove a little better for you. Keep us posted and be strong!
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#5

Postby dirtySanchez » Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:47 am

AngryDwarf wrote:I can't think, I can't focus, I just exist on a standby mode. I have been spending a lot of time walking aimlessly and sitting in malls, just absorbing the surroundings. This is mildly entertaining and doesn't require any effort.
.


I can relate to this in like 101% for both (standby mode and walking). I remember just walking aimlessly around for like 3 hours almost every day.

AngryDwarf wrote: It's practically impossible to picture anything positive happening in the future. Doesn't help that I'm unemployed and not seeing other people often.


I WAS EXACTLY SAME SPOT AS YOU. I was without a job for about 3 months and it was killing me. I would suggest that you find some easy job, like being in a warehouse for the next 5-6 months. It helps a lot of getting your mind occupied.
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#6

Postby newlife2018 » Sat Oct 06, 2018 8:31 pm

Where are the people in my community going through what you are? Gosh I just keep thinking... if I had a friend... here... that I could go through this with... someone I could call and say "hey, I'm PAWS-in, let's go sit at the mall and absorb how horrible society is," my gosh that would be great.
I quit today. I've been smoking for about 27 years but the past 5- I haven't even been staying sober at work. Just constant smokey smokey.
Last time I quit for more than a few days, I went to NA for support but my goodness.... it's over when they ask my drug of choice and I tell them weed because chances are, they're off meth now and have lost their house, jobs, families and their lives are dependent on them staying sober. Me- I got a job, a house, stuff and was always so responsible even if high as a kite. So if I tell them I am trying to quit being a pothead because I feel alienated and got crazy under eye bags- they kind of look at me like I'm violating their trust circle. There's just no real support. Marijuana anonymous meets somewhere near Dallas but that's a good two hour drive.
All I know is I had friends. It's been a while. Real friends. I've slowly lost them all because I am no longer relatable. I am negative. When I smoked in high school, it felt like it expanded my mind and help me befriend people. Now I feel like people are boring and their lives are boring and everything is boring. I smoke weed to stimulate my mind but I just get a little funky for a few minutes and then go to looking drowsy and feeling like I'm not necessarily stoned, just devoid of active brain cells. All those beautiful thoughts and creativity I loved when I first started smoking, they have been a prison. All the expectations I grew in that time- feeling special because I was high and knew something sober people didn't know. Got a little sanctimonious in my 20s and early 30s feeling so enlightened that no one was good enough for me but people still wanted to be around me.

Now I'm 42- I'm getting my phone cut off because it literally never rings anymore. No cheerleaders. Not going to make a fb announcement about how I'm getting on the straight and narrow- no running to a support group. Just me deciding that I'm willing to endure some PAWS (whatever that is) just to see if life can be different. Maybe I can be more jazzed up about things. But I keep seeing posts on here about people who have quit and they're feeling indifferent, having a hard time enjoying anything, and just find themselves restless with the predictability of life. This is all stuff I'm feeling now and am wondering if the weed is exacerbating the issues. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I didn't expect life to be a dream like carpet ride through a puffy cloud.

I am not sure if this is helpful at all. Just read through yours and a few others and felt it was a shame more people don't try to connect. It feels sad to me that the internet is fraught with individuals feeling like I feel but if I get in the car and go anywhere- I'll just be stuck in a world where it seems like no one understands or cares.
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#7

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:18 pm

I feel like I'm the same with the anxiety subsiding and it leaves me feeling dissociated and "high." It's so weird and it's not pleasant. Also closing in on 3 months hopefully this part gets better too eventually.
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#8

Postby AngryDwarf » Fri Oct 12, 2018 3:03 pm

Hit 100 days today. Been feeling quite nice for the past week or so. Although still lethargic, I at least feel sane and grounded in reality. I have also been regaining some sense of spiritual depth in life. People begin to seem more than animated objects, something greater than the mere sum of their parts.

Cravings for weed are finally beginning to awaken. I remember the same thing happening at the 3-4 mark in my last quit too. Up until this point I have had zero interest in getting high. I am an impulsive person, so in a way it is now that the real fight is about to begin.

Thanks to everyone who has been participating in this thread so far. I will not be replying to all of you individually, but I have read your posts and fully support you in your individual fights.
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#9

Postby BullFrog » Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:54 pm

Yeah it sounds like the real battle will begin. Do you have any strategies to help you fight the urge? Any activities or people to be around? What is your game plan?
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#10

Postby AngryDwarf » Fri Oct 12, 2018 6:53 pm

I'm going to just ride the wave. Last time I fell back on smoking at around 6 month mark because I was unsure whether it was the weed or other lifestyle factors that were the problem. I was also hoping that I could still smoke every now and then. This time around I have accepted that I will never smoke again and that it's not normal to crave getting high. I know that as long as I keep craving it, I am still in recovery. Luckily the cravings are never intense, it's just easy to start bargaining with them.
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#11

Postby AngryDwarf » Fri Nov 02, 2018 2:58 pm

Closing in on 4 months / 120 days. The first half of this month went pretty well, but the last couple of weeks have been very unpredictable. I would feel fine for a couple of days, then worse for a day or two, then fine again, and so on. The good news is that when I feel bad, I don't feel THAT bad. Mostly apathy, dissociation and low grade anxiety. Overall the PAWS is more manageable now than it was just 1-2 months ago. I'm hopeful that I will have almost fully recovered by the new years eve, which would mark six months since my last joint.
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#12

Postby BullFrog » Fri Nov 02, 2018 3:17 pm

Great news indeed! I am convinced that "good days" or "good weeks" or even "good month" are all signs of eventual full recovery. The fact that you are experiencing that at only 4 months puts you ahead of many people who needed upwards of 8 months to have significant measureable improvement!


Fight on!
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#13

Postby Cthompson21 » Sat Nov 03, 2018 11:01 pm

Dwarf how did you feel at 6 months last time you quit? You say you felt good enough that you tricked yourself into thinking it wasn't weed that caused your symptoms? Were you feeling normal again? I'm asking because my timeline feels similar to yours. im almost 3.5 months now and I have the derealization and DP and anxiety but every couple weeks I notice the symptoms are less prominent yet flare up when I get stressed. I don't know for sure if it'll be six months for a full recovery. But it would be nice if things were somewhat better by then...keep in the good fight.
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#14

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Sun Nov 04, 2018 6:01 am

Stress, hunger, exhaustion, booze or other mind altering/enhancing substances (caffeine), loneliness, all trigger the symptoms to flare up, but yes they do get less intense over time, even the flare ups. Please do not compare your time line with others , yours could be faster.
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