Dwarf's journal

Postby AngryDwarf » Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:13 pm

Although it is hard to think at the moment, I decided to create written log, mostly to remind myself what I have had go through, hopefully lessening the chances of re-starting smoking in the future (which has already happened twice after quitting for 6 and 7 months).

Time since quitting weed: 72 days / 2½ months

Current state of mind: worst so far. For the past three days I've been having vague aches in the chest, causing me to feel paranoid over having heart attack. I have been feeling anhedonic and anxious in a very existential kind of way. Impending sense of doom, dissociation, people look weird, hard to identify with my own mirror image. I feel soulless. I fear that I or my closed ones could die at any time, and I already feel regret over the way my hypotethical life turned out. It's practically impossible to picture anything positive happening in the future. Doesn't help that I'm unemployed and not seeing other people often. Although I know all of this will pass, this realization is not of much consolidation at the moment, as I still have to face all these overwhelming feelings and sensations.

Up to this point my PAWS had been relatively mild. Last week I was feeling good and productive, due to which I allowed myself have a couple of nights of energy drink & beer. This period also included staying up for one whole night up till the next evening. Big mistake. I have to recommit myself to complete abstinence from psychoactive substances, including coffee and alcohol.
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Postby BullFrog » Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:18 pm

Hey Dwarf, sorry you are going through this crap. DEFINITELY stay away from any and all psychoactive substances. It's an absolute must, especially with you coming up at 3 months. That's the one draw back of having a few good days or even "season" of our recovery where we feel great that we start to go back to bad habits. And, quite frankly, it makes sense. You are feeling great for once and want to go back to doing the things you always did that made you happy and enjoy things. But most of those habits are off limits and others, while not bad, are simply terrible to do while recovering.

My advice, when you start feeling real good and productive....do really good and productive things! Don't stay up partying or drinking. Instead, go hiking with a friend, create something, write a book, learn a language, etc.

Fight on!
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Postby AngryDwarf » Tue Sep 18, 2018 11:20 am

Thank you for your sensible words BullFrog. I agree with all of it. Now a few days later I have mostly recovered from last week's abuse. I feel calm, though also apatethic. That's manageable. It's morbidly fascinating how predictable the timeline of the symptoms is in any given day. They appear around the time at which I used to smoke the most, which is early evening. Then, by midnight, all of the PAWS symptoms will suddenly vanish, as often by that point I would be high enough not to need to smoke any more before going to bed. This lessening of symptoms also plays into the desire to stay up late... perhaps in the long term it's more logical to just bite the bullet and go to bed regardless.
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