1 year and 2 months clean

Postby helenadoc » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:07 pm

Hello everyone! I know i haven't been here for a while, but i tried to get on with my life.
I am 1 year and 2 months clean and i can say i'm out of the woods. I don't feel as heavy as before, no more head pressure, minimal anxiety which i am hoping to subside completely, eventualy. Every now and then i feel slight changes in my mood and behaviour, good changes, soo i'm not completely healed. I did have some cravings a few weeks ago which was weird and intense, but it went away and everything was fine.
I think the hard part is over, the depression and heavy anxiety is behind me. I still have some days when they come back, but now i know that it's just a phase and it will pass.
All in all, i'm good. I don't feel as hopeless as i was a few months ago and all that nightmare that i went through showed me that i'm way stronger than i thought i was. When i was in the middle of the fire i never thought i was going to get well. I pushed and i pushed and now i can breathe.
I'm not the same anymore. Nothing is like it used to be. I don't know if it will come back someday or if will stay the same. I just got used to it and it's fine. It's a new normal. I hope that those little improvements i see over time will put me back together for good. If they don't..well that's life.
I don't wanna scare anyone, it's just my story. The bottom line it's that i'm fine :) and you will be too. I'll keep posting!
There is no secret thingie to get over this mess. Just..don't smoke! That's just it. Do not smoke :)
I love you all and i feel for you. If i can help you in any way, you know where to find me :)
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#1

Postby Astro413 » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:47 pm

Can you go more into detail on how you’re feeling now? I’m happy for you when you say you’re out of the woods but the way your update came off sounded like it wasn’t what you were expecting..
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#2

Postby helenadoc » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:15 pm

Because it isn't. It's just i'm not who i was anymore. I'm not feeling properly..like something is off. I feel fine, i'm not depressed or anxious. I don't know..it's like something is missing. I don't have a full range of emotions sort of speak. I don't feel fully content, or fully happy. Or that nervouseness like christmas morning type when i do something i can't wait, or go to a trip it's not there. There are just glimpses of these things.
My emotions are kind of not fully grown.
So i guess i need more time for this :)
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#3

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Sep 17, 2018 8:16 am

Thank you for sharing. I'm still working thru the anxiety and this gives me hope!
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#4

Postby BullFrog » Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:12 pm

Thanks so much, Helen, for sharing. Definitely keep us posted.

And from what I read from others, that "off-ness" you speak about is also something that goes back to equilibrium with time. For sure keep "seizing life" so to speak and try to find passions in life, things you love, people you love, and so forth. As for myself, I"m feeling pretty good and even yesterday was great. But when I sit still for a few seconds and don't distract myself with anything, I notice there are still some annoying sensations in my head that are "hovering" there. It isn't quite gone. Sometimes it is definitely noticeable, but other times it's just on the horizon and slightly "off". But if someone asked me 3 months ago, I would never have to sit still to give them answer first. I could instantly tell them that the sensations were there. Now there are whole days where I have to stop what I'm doing, reflect, and then I can tell the odd sensations are still there. For me, that is definitely progress. I see progress in your post as well.

Fight on Helen and have a blessed week!
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#5

Postby helenadoc » Mon Sep 17, 2018 6:57 pm

Thank you Bullfrog! You are amazing :D
I really hope it will go away for good. I don't think it's normal to never sit still and feel good. So i guess is going to take some time.

The most important thing i have learned from this experience is that i am sooo strong. And i really mean it. I never understood why people always have seen that in me, in my attitude, in my way of walking :)) they always said "you are so ambitious and so strong. I can see that in your eyes!". I thought it was bs. I felt so weak and undriven. I crumbled so many times when life hit me. But after this, i actually see myself like that. I conquered crazyness :)), mountains of anxiety, i went through hell, i questioned myself for everything i did in my life. I look back now and it's incredible what i was able to do. To push through withdrawal and paws is not easy, to stay grounded when you feel like your whole world is coming down and feel like sinking takes a lot of strenght. Another thing i learned is to be more cautious. I thought a lot about my behaviour when i smoked. Oh God!! I had so much luck that nothing happened to me. In some weird way i remember scenes when things could've gone soo wrong. Like driving, or taking exams, or encounters with the police etc.
So i learned to be carefull about what i do, when i do it and most importantly why i do it.

And you my friends are just as strong as me. This is one thing i am sure about. It takes time and energy, tears, a mountain of psychological pain, anguish. But at some point this too shall pass. Maybe i'll never be the same again, maybe i'll be better than i ever was. I don't know what the future holds. And honestly, i don't care anymore. Life can shoot you from the stars to the depts of hell in seconds and you don't even see it coming. So i'll just go with it. And you should to.

For the ones who are struggling right now with crippling anxiety and severe depression: if you feel like doing something, like a walk or watching a movie or sleep, do it. If you wanna cry, do it, even if your eyes run dry. If you just wanna sit on the couch do that too. But please, do not be alone. Call a friend, your mom, bf, husband..it doesn't matter. Even if you don't want to see them in front of you, call them, sit with them. You don't have to talk. Just let them be there. Loneliness in this recovery is the most dangerous thing for a crazy amount of reasons. Don't stay alone. This forum is a blessing. Someone will always be here to talk to you :)

Love you all!!!
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#6

Postby helenadoc » Mon Sep 17, 2018 7:09 pm

P.s: as i read my post from above, it sounds like some of those inspirational quotes that you put on facebook :)))) and i am amazed.
If you read some of my old posts you'll feel the hopelesness and despair in my words.
And now..behold at what i wrote :)))
For the first time since i quit i can actually say that I AM PROUD OF ME!

If i can do it, YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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#7

Postby Bagobones » Tue Sep 18, 2018 2:13 am

Good for you and big congratulations! I also think this experience will make you a better future doctor. You have gained an unique insight into a struggling persons psychology.. Not that I wish for anyone to struggle like this, but it is what it is, and I think it will benefit you in your future career..

It seems the saying "what does not kill you makes you stronger", is very true in your case dr to be.. I am really happy for you! Great job, and you took your own personal struggle and crisis, and turned it into something others can benefit from, and get inspired by for a long time to come... Also you took this experience and learned from it. Became better by it. Grew and keep growing by it. It speaks volume on what a great person you are...

Stay strong and stay awesome dr..
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#8

Postby Lucy0611 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 12:03 pm

Thank you Helen for sharing.
Im so happy to read that you quite over it. That's amazing.

Im ~11 months in and I still have bad days. My worst symptoms are panic attacks.
Today is such a rough day, I could cry... I feel so anxiety and hopeless... But your post is like a gift. It gives us hope. Thank you and stay stronge.
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#9

Postby Lucy0611 » Thu Sep 20, 2018 10:32 am

Lucy0611 wrote:Thank you Helen for sharing.
Im so happy to read that you quite over it. That's amazing.

Im ~11 months in and I still have bad days. My worst symptoms are panic attacks.
Today is such a rough day, I could cry... I feel so anxiety and hopeless... But your post is like a gift. It gives us hope. Thank you and stay stronge.



Ups sorry.... I meant "Helena"
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#10

Postby desperate788 » Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:51 pm

I'm off cigarettes for 9 years..much power to everyone..love ya guys have a great evening :)
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