Struggling relationship

Postby Beepboopbop1 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:06 pm

I know there a ton of these relationship threads and I’ve tried to find one exactly like mine so I didn’t have to post a thread but I just need to vent because I have no release anymore.

I have been with this lady for about 4 years now and I feel like we are a perfect match when we are both happy the problem of course is that we are hardly ever happy anymore. She insists that she loves me but I just don’t feel like she does anymore. The obvious answer is to break up with her but I want to work through this with her if at all possible I truly do love her.

We’ll go by instances I guess. First instance was I was away for training at my job I would be away for training for two weeks but each week of training was seperated by two weeks of non training work so we had a little break in training. I had told her about the training. Keep in mind we have similar schedules but I work two jobs so we get every other weekend off if it lines up right. The first week she missed me but everything was okay. The two weeks I came back for, my schedule didn’t line up properly so I had opposite weekends off.

First week off passes and shes off while I work and the second week comes and I’m off and she works.. So to make the best out of a bad situation, the weekend that she was working I asked my brother to come in for the weekend. On top of that, I just reminded her that Monday I had to go back to training and I was dreading it and we ended up getting into an argument over this because I didn’t remind her of the training she got frustrated and said you were just going to go back to training and not tell me but I had told her about both weeks of training and it made her even more mad that I asked my brother to come in on the weekend I’m leaving for training. When she gets mad at me she just says mhm when I say i love her and acts cold to me.. She insisted that I did this on purpose to avoid time with her and she goes on to tell me how she doesn’t care and our relationship doesn’t matter. It really hurts my feelings..

Fast forward to training week, I call her everyday around 7 but I decided one day I was going to call her around 9 instead because we usually don’t talk on the phone over 30 mins and I go to sleep around 9:30. Well 8 comes around and she sends me a message saying, so you’re just not going to talk to me at all? I told her I just planned on calling her a little later. Well she didn’t believe that and she kept saying she is mad at me.. well this went on until the day I got back from training and I went to see her. She wouldn’t talk to me much all she would say is I’m mad at you. I just tried to love on her and apologize but things only got worse. I try to get her to talk to me because if I don’t she just holds it in and explodes later so to avoid big fights I try to get her to talk through the small fights well.. it ended up being one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had.

It started out with I don’t want to talk about this but I insisted even though she said this then she went on to say you changed your pattern you know I hate it when you change patterns. I apologized and she said I don’t care you probably did it because you were out with someone. That aggravated me and I said why do you always accuse me of cheating and she said it’s the only way I can get a reaction out of you. I said you know I’m not cheating and she said she does.. well I can’t remember the whole fight but it got much worse and I remember something about telling her she likes making me feel controlled and she broke down crying saying she has never felt as bad or as crazy as she has with me. At this point we both had a really long emotional talk and somehow got through it..

Well last night we were watching a tv show together and she was comfortable on my lap a couple of times and I had to get up and do a few things and started worrying she was mad at me... because I made her move when she was comfortable... (yes we have fought about things this silly before) she insisted she was not mad but the way she shows that she is mad is very unclear she won’t say she’s mad when she is she’ll say no I’m fine and treat me differently until I figure what she is upset about or keep asking her until she finally tells me.. well this was one of the few times that she wasn’t actually mad at me and wanted me to believe her but I asked her so much that she got mad at me. She said I want to push it so much that I want someone to be mean to me.. and I said no no I’m just sensitive and it’s hard for me to believe you aren’t mad when you say it because you typically are mad and just won’t tell me. Well I tried loving on her and she said what are you even doing?? And I said just loving on you.. at this point she started making no sense and started getting really aggressive saying she didn’t want to fight and I just told her I was sensitive since our last fight.. it felt like anything I said to her made her feel like we were going to fight. Then she said she didn’t want to talk but I told her I wasn’t doing anything I’m just sensitive and that just made her more angry...

Well we continued to talk and she said the words I don’t care and I’m tired and they were directed at our relationship... and I said why do you say I don’t care so much.. she said to shut you up. And I told her that it makes me care more because I want you to be happy with me and I said what do you think would help more than saying I don’t care? She said not coming home... I gave up on the conversation and she said good and went to sleep. I walked through the house and she just left me there...

I feel so unwanted and not needed so easily disposable and I mess up all the time.. I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong I just need some advice...
Beepboopbop1
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#1

Postby tokeless » Tue Sep 18, 2018 6:31 pm

Well, I'd say you both communicate in a way that creates confusion because you're both insecure in some ways. She feels you didn't tell her you changed your routine without letting her know (the phone call) which made her more insecure so she got angry... This then played on your insecurity because you wanted her to comfort you. You then invited your brother over on the only free time you both had together... A cycle begins. She was also asking you to give her space, time to get over her anger but you couldn't do that because you needed to be forgiven and comforted... The relationship seems very codependent with poor communication and understanding of each other... Tings need to change or this will become more toxic.
Question: Do you love her or need her? What three things do you love about her?
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#2

Postby Beepboopbop1 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 6:59 pm

I love her and need her.

1. I love how she reacts to things she enjoys it’s very precious. It puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh a little to see her randomly see a pretty street dog and give it some random name like marshmallow and ask if we can take it home even though she doesn’t really mean it. She has this kid side to her that is fun and makes me feel like she is comfortable around me.

2. I love how smart she is, we can have very deep intellectual conversations. we can see a situation and both come up with brilliant yet completely different solutions. I also love how smart she makes me feel.

3. I love how she is content with the simple things. We don’t have to consistently do big things we could go on hikes, play video games, and binge watch tv shows and never feel like the relationship is getting boring. We enjoy the same hobbies.

Bonus: I love her sense of humor and it matches up with mine perfectly. To me that is very important because I crack a lot of jokes.

What do you think I could do to make her feel better and less defensive around me? I am going to stop insisting on her talking to me I understand that it is making for a hostile environment.
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#3

Postby tokeless » Tue Sep 18, 2018 8:55 pm

In a relationship we have to respect each other and accept them for who they are. This requires putting their needs over our own at times and visa versa. It sounds like you have some good connections but just be careful your needs don't impact on her too much or resentment can occur. I'd also suggest listening more than talking... We men can do that because we want to sort problems out... If we listen we will find out if they want us to... We will also find that issues don't become bigger because the other person feels valued and less frustrated.
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#4

Postby Beepboopbop1 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 10:17 pm

Thanks for your responses they’ve helped me a lot
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#5

Postby Beepboopbop1 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 1:49 am

Update: I get off at 5:30 and she gets off at 8.. I pick her up from work and take her home. We typically have a routine where we shower together when we get home.. well I was doing a virus scan on my computer and legit left it running before I left. Well we got home I literally took 5 seconds (not an exaggeration) to check the results of the scan. She became aggravated with me and asked what was I even doing. She said we had a routine and I’ve been home for 2 and a half hours. I had picked out clothes which would have taken more than 5 seconds but she refused to talk to me more about why she was upset. Which I listened I hadn’t pushed for her to talk anymore. I struggle to see what the big deal is yet she says she is tired of breaking things down for me. She literally Just sat here for 45 minutes and read a book instead of talking to me. Then apologizes but wasn’t really sorry as she was still aggravated with me. She really is that kind of upset that I threw off the routine by 5 seconds. I asked if there is something else but that makes her even more mad that I don’t care. I usually always forgive her but I see absolutely no point and think it’s absolutely ridiculous. Anybody got any insight?
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