Back After 4 Years

Postby Fresha » Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:59 pm

Hello this is my first post since February 2014. The darkness is back. Yeah its back after a long time, I'll explain why in a minute. If anybody reads this and can relate to any of this I would dearly love to hear from you. Just reading over some of my old posts going back 10 years... wow, so much has happened, and it was nice to see some of those old names who offered up so much of their time and advice to me. Much of my issues pre-2014 involved the breakdown of my marriage compounded by codependency, substance addiction, alcoholism and eating disorders. I split up with my first wife and went through a difficult divorce, difficult because she went missing in Spain, the police opened up a missing persons investigation and the divorce kept stopping and starting because she wasn't around to countersign any documents. Eventually they tracked her by some credit card payments and after a year she dematerialised and we were able to conclude the divorce. My earlier panic attacks had abated chiefly I believe due to my being prescribed propranolol at some point in 2013, however my underlying anxiety was building with no solution in sight and my addiction to codeine has continued unbroken since I started taking it in about 2004. I'll get to the point about why the darkness has returned in a minute, I first need to bring you up to speed. In that period immediately after splitting up with my wife lots of intense things happened: I met a new woman almost immediately, and as soon as my divorce had gone through we got married. My father was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in May 2015 and by July 2015 was dead. In April 2016 we had a baby daughter. I also travelled to India 3 times, my new wife is Indian, and my eyes were opened to the wider world. This was a period of extreme up-and-down emotions. Seeing my father as a yellow skeleton, draw his final breath and seeing him as a dead body made me feel philosophical, sad, angry his life hadn't amounted to more, strange. But generally that 2015-17 period brought a great deal of stability into my life, I didn't have the daily traumas of my 1st wife's overdoses and suicide attempts, all of that trauma had gone. My new wife is nothing like the first, she's a businesswoman, the director of two companies, she doesn't drink, smoke, no vices, but worldly, smart, balanced, level-headed, and a very good-hearted woman. She is spiritual and intuitive like me. Our daughter is the miracle I have been waiting my whole life for. I am naturally attentive and caring and enjoy interaction with people, I see much of what others called codependency with my first wife as me just having natural affection for someone. People kept telling me to let her go, but at that time, in that situation, it's not so easy to let someone go. But now with my daughter it feels as though my attention and affection is legitimate, it's a healthy relationship, she enjoys learning, saying new word, and I enjoy teaching her - she's 2-and-a-half now. So things were going good. Something very weird happened - I started drinking again - after 15 years off it. But that's not the problem, I'll get onto the problem in a moment. The reason why falling off the wagon is weird is because it hasn't caused any problems, I've learned to control it. Drinking is my default issue, the problem that defined my life between the ages of 14-28. I used to have nightmares about drinking again. In the dream I'd be in a pub drinking a coke but a friend would insist on buying me a pint and then one thing would lead to another, all hell would break loose and I would wake up shaking, and, after calming down I would pray and thank God for keeping me sober. But around 1 year ago I bought a bottle of baileys Irish Cream and that triggered a relapse. Apart from slipping on the ice and fracturing a rib last Christmas the relapse has gone without incident. Now I've managed to confine it just to a Thursday night when I go to have a film meeting. So I've started drinking in moderation and believe I can control it, perhaps 15 years of abstinence was enough, I dunno, but I don't have the same deranged desire to start drinking whiskey at 8am every day like I used to. It actually serves as the civilised stress relief most people use it for. I'm not abusing it. The few people close to me who are aware of my relapse are warning me to stop immediately, I understand and am grateful for their concern. But that's not the issue. The issue is that a month ago I requested both diazepam and zopicline from my GP and it was prescribed. It had been more than a year since my last prescription of these medications, I requested it because I couldn't sleep, I'm having a lot of stress in some projects I'm involved with. My wife works so I'm looking after our daughter at the moment. She was eating toast, sitting on a plastic chair in the kitchen, on morning, three weeks ago. I was hanging some laundry up in the back garden but had a full view of the front door, I turned my back to hang up a sheet and then went back into the kitchen to find my daughter was not there. I checked the bedroom - she wasn't there. I instinctively ran out onto the main street to find her up the road a little bit, with a lady. I beckoned and ran up to them, the lady explained she had discovered my daughter wandering and had stopped her and called the police. Fast forward three weeks. We've got a child protection conference with social services on Monday. Among the professionals invited is my GP who has already told them about my persistent and what they see as sometimes aggressive demand to be prescribed the Valium and sleeping pills. They're connecting the pills to my inattentiveness in the garden. I admit 100% I'm an idiot for not watching the door. I love my daughter more than anything and the stories online about social services are chilling. Obviously now they're not prescribing the mess, and I'm not allowed to look after my daughter without supervision. Of course it could have been unimaginably worse with her going up to the main road. She's aware enough not to step into the road, she's cautious of traffic and cars, but I know that's not the point. Thank God she's OK. Out of it comes this strategy meeting on Monday. I've been referred to a mental health screening. They're doing everything they can to link the incident to the zopicline and diazepam. As a parent now, any other parents reading this, yes you think I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but it must have happened to you too right? Kids are adventurous, they like to run around. I'm not making excuses, I don't know. My wife thankfully is very forgiving, they see her as the good parent and me as the bad one. Any parent whose been in this situation must know the dread that we are feeling. The unspeakable. Well on Monday I'm going to have to face the music, I don't know how much of my past they are going to drag up. I don't want to sound like a selfish ****, just whinging about himself all the time, I would like to connect with others who have been in this situation. Things were going good for a while. It was sad my father passed away, but even that was tempered by a lovely family reunion at his wake followed by some old family ties being renewed. They have welcomed my Indian wife into their English/Irish/Scottish family with open arms, and they all love our daughter. I really feel like I've screwed up. Ironically it wasn't the drink that did it, but the pills. And personally I feel they had no influence over my judgement. My daughter has never before or since attempted to or successfully exited our flat on her own, never mind open the outer glass doors and walk by herself up to the main road. It was a freak event, and nothing whatsoever to do with the pills. Subsequent to that they've added the new issue that she's overweight. My wife cooks her Indian food and genetically Indian people can sometimes be a bit chubby. Some people have advised us that persecuting us on the weight issue borders on racial discrimination because they're not accounting for my daughters cultural needs. We've got some good friends coming with us, and we've mounted a solid reasoning, but we're also extremely anxious about the notoriety of SS, they've already lied to us multiple times, they've distorted facts and this seems to be how they operate. It's unclear what they hope to achieve with this aggressive approach but what they actually have achieved is bringing that terrible darkness back into my life, that satanic fear. I have evil dreams. Steps lead down into the ground. The feeling of dread is outrageous- it is absolutely ****ing terrifying beyond description. I mean I'm having an out-of-the-body experience in the dream going down the stairs just because I want to exit that place at all costs, but I'm pulled down there. It's dark, I'm going down the steps, at the bottom is a door. I always reach three or four steps away from the door and stair at the door and then wake up. Behind that door is hell. I haven't had that dream for a long time, but I had it last night, and I can't sleep now for fear of having it again tonight. The darkness is back. Why do some people go through life making lots of money, travelling the world, making lots of friends, and others are like me, like a hostage, it feels. I saw some clairvoyants and they said I'm very spiritually open. Why did my daughter run out that day? She's never done that. Why didn't I see her? Why are they connecting it to the medication? Why is the darkness back? Why why why? Please somebody say something...
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Sep 20, 2018 6:53 am

Why is the darkness back?

Because...I will presume very much unintentionally...you opened the door. I’m not talking the door your daughter walked through, I’m talking the door that reintroduced you to alcohol and prescription medicine.

You are correct, all parents have lapses. Let’s assume your daughter walking out the door was purely a random fluke. But for your alcohol and prescription meds you would have no fear. It would be easy to explain it was a fluke. It would be easy for outside observers to easily rationalize that like any parent, your daughter walking out the door is a possibility.

But that is not your situation. You can try to say it was a fluke, but for the door you reopened that makes it not so clear cut that it was just a fluke. They now reasonably have questions. Could it have been alcohol or drugs? Could it be something else?

For instance, if my child walked out a door into the street...certainly it could happen, but what would child protective services have to explain my child walking out the door? My alcohol or drug use? Nope. They would have nothing.

My advice...don’t beat yourself up about what happened with your daughter. It could happen to any parent. But, open yourself to the possibility that the reason the darkness has come back is mainly a result of taking up alcohol and drugs (even prescribed). You got away from substances previously, so look towards once again removing substances from your life. Once again, close that door.

Best of luck to you.
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