I did a stupid thing. A little insight woud be nice

Postby helenadoc » Tue Oct 02, 2018 3:53 pm

Hey guys! I did a stupid stupid thing. I am mortified, but here it goes. Sunday i smoked a bit of meth. I didn't abused it, it was a small amount like 0.05. Just a few tiny litle crystals...i was just curious to see how it feels. And now i'm paying for it. It was great, i can't lie about that, but now i am coming down still. I have tremors, jittering, i can't stand still, i must walk to feel ok. I had to leave school today because i felt like i was gonna faint from the tremors. I know i'm stupid, i know. I won't do it again, i don't feel the need to do it. I took some diazepam to calm me down and to sleep.
Is there anyone here who has gone through this? I am 1 year and 3 months clean from weed and i did this stupid sh**. Did i set myself back to square one with my recovery? Like i f***ed for good my brain chemistry?
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#1

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:25 pm

Hi Helenadoc,

Sorry for the long post but I hope it helps.

I cannot speak from experience but Meth is one of the most addictive drugs that exists. it takes just one to get hooked (medically they say 21 days but I say just one). So are the drugs in the same category like heroin. To add, your brain was rewiring and struggling to keep the happy hormones up and running, then suddenly it gets a drug that is stronger that the best weed you've smoked, your brain will definitely want more it. its like putting pressure on a sprained ankle. its going to hurt, obviously, but it isn't going to set you back to day 1 because of one hit. and definitely not mess you up for good because, meth, heroin and other hard drug addicts also recover, but you are not even addicted, just gave your brain the easy happiness it was craving, only way more powerful.

I actually wanted to mention this before, even when your PAWS symptoms go away, it doesn't mean you have actually full recovered, it takes more time to actually full recover. let me give you an example, lets say you got the flu, in a few days after, the symptoms go away and you feel better and stronger, but you still have to take care of yourself because the infection is still in your body although it is in the end stage and almost completely wiped out of your body. thats why many antibiotic meds are given even after your fever is gone. Same goes for PAWS or any recovery for that matter. Just because the symptoms are gone doesn't mean you are 100% recovered, ready to be experimenting. if your symptoms are gone by the 2 year, its not recommended to even think of drink coffee or alcohol heavily until 4 years because that is how long it could take.

During PAWS your sensitivity increases, remember a lot of folks say that coffee and alcohol are triggers for an episode of PAWS for a few day? so if Alcohol and coffee can trigger off PAWS then for sure a substance like meth can make it go into overdrive, but it does get better. Don't worry about what is done, that is the past, look forward and plan your next few days that may be tough.

You need to stay strong and keep drugs of any kind out of your life. take care of yourself and please stay away from the friends who use substances of any kind. Do not experiment on drugs, experiment on other wholesome life experiences like a road trip or a trek or meeting new people. stay clean and stay strong.
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#2

Postby tokeless » Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:21 pm

Hi,
Try not over think it. You will feel jittery because it's a high potency stimulant like a super amphetamine. It'll pass and you can put it down to making a bad choice. The only 'risk' is you enjoyed the hit so will have to keep focused on not talking yourself into doing it again. You haven't pressed the reset button as in weed as they're different beasts but describing it as great could be a trigger as I said. Just deal with the symptoms and then avoid contact with it or others who use it. Hope that helps?
Best wishes
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#3

Postby Bagobones » Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:18 pm

helenadoc wrote:Hey guys! I did a stupid stupid thing. I am mortified, but here it goes. Sunday i smoked a bit of meth. I didn't abused it, it was a small amount like 0.05. Just a few tiny litle crystals...i was just curious to see how it feels. And now i'm paying for it. It was great, i can't lie about that, but now i am coming down still. I have tremors, jittering, i can't stand still, i must walk to feel ok. I had to leave school today because i felt like i was gonna faint from the tremors. I know i'm stupid, i know. I won't do it again, i don't feel the need to do it. I took some diazepam to calm me down and to sleep.
Is there anyone here who has gone through this? I am 1 year and 3 months clean from weed and i did this stupid sh**. Did i set myself back to square one with my recovery? Like i f***ed for good my brain chemistry?


dr Helenadoc da. What the hell are you doing girl, hehe, just teasing you.. Have you ever been to Ferentari and met the people living there? The social worker in me got me to go there and say hi to the nice people living there (prior to the clean up of the place in 2014). I dont know how it is there now, but it was a ghetto alright, hehe. I think you should go there too, and say hi to the meth head ladies of the night living there, and I am not talking about the gipsies. I am talking about the normal Romanians that tripped a little and failed bigtime. Lots of girls your age, that thought that was a good idea living there.. hehehe... I know that is an extreme thing to say, but thats the road foreward if you get to into meth more than a few times. Your background and intelligence does not matter, the drug WILL get a hold on you and bring you to that level. Meth is, thougheter with all drugs you base cook, a quick and sure road to the great city of Junkieville. hehe.
And you can kiss your good looks good bye bye.. hehe..

Yes its fun for the first hours but then it starts to feel like you have had cake for every meal for 8 weeks.. its just too much. Your young and foolish, eeeeh, I mean inexperienced in a lot of ways. And it seems like you have a group of friends that like to experiment a bit.. For the class A drugs, may I suggest that you dont do the "base cooked" versions of them? Because I am pretty certain this will not be your last time you stumlbe a little :) .. Coke is fine to experiment with a few times, Crack is not. And its by far best in Colombia/Latin America on holiday. The latinos have better parties too, and you dont risk being arrested and ruining your education. Amphetamine is okay for a couple of nights to play with for a young curious person, meth is not.. May I suggest rithaline for the good doctor? :) MDMA was always my favorite when I had my round with the hard drugs (not that mdma is very hard).. Opium is good to test a night, heroine is well okay to test, if you smoke it.. Needles? I suggest you go to Ferentari before you do that and say hi to the girls.. hehe

All amphetamines has a rough landing after a fun night. Fun one night, punishment for 3-4 nights with amphetamines, a week with meth. You will feel this one probably for the rest of the week, but dont worry about it.. It just sucks bigtime and you will feel like you have had 18 cups of coffee a day this week.. Get some good nutricion every day, even though it tastes like sawdust.. May I suggest lots of smoothies and fruits and vegetables for the good doctor? hehehe. And expect your sleep to suck bigtime for this week...

Good luck, and dont worry doctor.. It will pass... And yeah, hope you learned your lession... hehehe
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#4

Postby Cthompson21 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:44 pm

I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you're going through this. At the time it seems like it won't hurt to try one little hit but afterwards you're like f***! What have I done! Although I did not try meth I was healed and I tried a little weed and it brought me down. I was in the same situation as you...healed from PAWS and probably still healing in small ways. Then I tried weed and it rocked my world, in a bad way, two months later I am still recovering. For me, this time around with PAWS is not as bad as the first time but it still sucks. But I did learn a valuable lesson that I need to be sober for the rest of my life. Sobriety is freedom. We can only fully recover by staying away. My experiences in dabbling with drugs have been fun but ultimately the consequences have outweighed the fun. I hope you too learn this and take it to heart. You are stronger than you thought you were as you mentioned before and I believe in you, you will get through this! It just is completely subjective with how much time it will take and where you are and how much you injested. Your other post inspired me and keeps inspiring me and I hope you find the strength within yourself to keep going, it will get better! Please keep us posted!
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:51 pm

Learn from it and dont do that sh** again. It 100 percent wont damage all of your progress. It made set your brain a few weeks back but not anything worse than that.
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#6

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:59 pm

Bagobones just reminding me of something called a downer, it is right after your body throws out the drugs. Its common for MDMA and other Dopamine boosting drugs. it can last upto a few days sometimes. its probably just that but intensified because of PAWS.
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#7

Postby helenadoc » Wed Oct 03, 2018 1:40 am

Hey. Thank you guys. I just suddenly woke up after 5 hours of good sleep. It's like bagobones said: like i had strong coffee all day.
I will not do it again. Nothing, i swear to God. It was a stupid thing and i just want it to pass, take my lesson from it, and leave it behind me. I am praying that this doesn't last too much, i am so stupid and such an idiot. I won't do anything like this ever again, i don't want to.
I hope it will get better day by day. It's hard to be in this shitty state. I eat fruits in general and some sndwiches. I had a few hours when i could relax and a huge hunger came over me and i take advantage from it to eat good.
I am such an idiot...
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#8

Postby helenadoc » Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:17 am

I do hope it lasts a week tops. I just started school and i need to be here with everything. All summer i just relaxed, watched tv shows, going out a little bit. I got a bit of confidence and i thought it can't be that bad afterwards. I was supposed to be wiser. I hate myself for doing this. I just want back to normal. I'm soeey i'm ranting, but i can't fall back asleep.
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#9

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:39 am

you know the drill, one day at a time. baby steps. Dont think about the future (anxiety) or about the past (Depression). stay in the now and look for silver linings.
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#10

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 3:21 am

The only thing to do is move forward. You will be even wiser because of this. You didn't know it would affect you like this because it was a different drug than weed, and I'm guessing you feel stupid because of that. We all make mistakes and you will get through this. One day at a time, just keep doing the next thing.
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#11

Postby helenadoc » Sat Oct 06, 2018 10:44 am

Hey guys! So the days went by and i couldn't stop the tremors. I had to go see my mom and i couldn't bare for her to see me like that so i took 5 mg of diazepam. It was a relief to be able to relax, smile, talk, be there with all my mind. I slept again until 5:30 in the morning and woke up tense and started tremoring again. I assesed the situation, i realised that if i'm distracted by smth that state dissapears and i can relax, but those moments are very very brief. So i called my psychologist for an emergency session, out of desperation because i didn't know what else to do.

So this tremor is pure anxiety. When i was talking to the psychologist i put the pieces togheter, the relief of the diazepam, the relief when my mind was cought up in smth. It's the feeling of guilt, the fear of not going through the same process again. She told me that i should take this experience as a good thing, to learn from it. It was the thing that made me realise that drugs are not for me, that i am scared of the whole world of drugs. She told me to not identify myself by this experience, my whole recovery process is still there, it didn't go anywhere. I am the same person that i built in this 1 year and 3 months of sobriety. It's the fear that makes me like this. I can't possibly feel the same pain that i did before, cuz it isn't the same drug, it was just one time and it determined me to not do anything like this again. It may be the thing that will ciment this whole problem with drugs.

To wrap it up it's guilt, fear, not being able to forgive myself and accept that i did it. So i need to work on this. After i left the session i calmed down throughout the whole day. I could eat like a normal person, and i slept a little bit better. I started to dream stupid things again, but i guess it will pass.

I will keep posting here because you people are helping me a lot. I'm in that state when i need reassuring that everything is gonna be alright. In fact, that everything is alright. Technically it's been 6 days since i did that sh**, so my chemical levels are back to normal and this is just in my head.

People, take note from this if it helps you in any way: don't do what i did, it's dangerous and it kicks you off balance. Sobriety is the way. After all the pain we endured anything else related to this is not worth it. Trust me. It's hard to let things go, it's like i can't let it go. I am trying to distract myself and i can sometimes, but sometimes i can't.
Comment here if you like, i'll keep posting. Sorry for the long post, but i wanted to give you an update.
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#12

Postby Cthompson21 » Sat Oct 06, 2018 12:11 pm

Thanks for the update helena I think I'm going through something similar. It's basically like trauma what's happening to you and it will change your brain and heighten anxiety, since PAWS is such a life altering experience it's easy to freak out about it and getting off balance. My therapist says that trauma will change your brain and it takes time to set it back. We have to keep living. I know too not to touch drugs. They are so not worth the pain. Hope you stay strong and keep us updated!
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#13

Postby BullFrog » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:15 pm

Hey Helena, glad you gave us an update and sorry to hear that you had this new experience. I can say that psychology definitely plays a huge role in the intensifying of how we feel during this whole process. Last night I went on a date with my wife and we walked by a car where a guy was smoking marijuana. The smell caused me to be anxious as I had the irrational fear that simply by inhaling a tiny bit of second hand smoke would send me into all my old symptoms again. The heightened anxiety caused my head to be more buzzy the rest of the evening. Again, the fear of it all suddenly made it worse.

Definitely keep sobriety your number one goal and, as you rightly found out, fear of PAWS makes it worse. Do everything you can to not be afraid. Acknowledge the feelings suck, give it the finger, and then go about your day.

Fight on, helena!
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#14

Postby helenadoc » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:43 pm

I get almost the same thing when i smell the smoke passing by it. And i take a few steps back further to not sense it anymore. Yes, paws sucks but it does ensure the succes in the end, of not doing it again. It was a lesson learned and now is engraved in my brain. It's not worth it. Plus sobriety, honestly is better than drugs. Drugs are a lie, a big lie and every action has a reaction. I am so tired right now. I was agitated the whole week and yesterday and today i managed to calm down almost completely and i am tired. I'll have to work a bit more to get over it and letting it go, but i think i will be ok.
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