Codependency on whatever is there

Postby newlife2018 » Sun Oct 07, 2018 12:48 am

Day one. No pot. I always smoked pot to compensate for this big vacuous hole I feel inside- so terribly lonely- when I don't smoke pot, the week pr two of the past 25+ years I attempted that... I get on dating sites hoping to find a guy that will be my new weed- epic fail every time. Worse problems than weed ever caused- not pointing fingers, I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships, I realize this. I also try to fill it with God and I'm certain that's more effective, but most of the time, God doesn't operate in our world of needing instant gratification. He makes me wait so long by the time the miracle is here, I forget how bad I wanted it.
But I have made it today. My dealer has always had me on his schedule. Call him and wait- wait- wait- come when it's convenient for him, leave quickly if he's busy, hang out if he's feeling talky talky... I'm sure most any pot smoker can relate to that- being on some dealer's schedule and needing them to come through but not wanting to seem to desperate kind of thing. I hate that. I hate being at someone's mercy. Well today I wake up with a mind to be done and guess who texts me to check up on me and see if I'm good? He does. How odd. I told him I was taking a break. Lord knows I didn't want to say I quit in case this has me yanking out my hair and I need him later.
I want to say how hard today has been but it really hasn't been any different than any other day. I've built up such a tolerance for weed it doesn't do a thing but make me dimmer- which is good most of the time- dim the lights on everything, including how utterly lonely I feel. Today I have just been fully feeling the loneliness instead of just being periodically reminded that yes, I am still alone- no man, very few friends- sitting here in reality just like I do every day- only today 100% sober. I almost signed up for a dating site but fought my way through that temptation remembering how absolutely crazy that gets- the obsession, the rejection, the fear of hurting someone else with rejection. Somehow, I just got to make it the next year or two sober even if nothing else changes. Why a year or two? Here's why: I have not suffered much at the hands of weed. I have not been unemployed or homeless or in court or fallen so far out from my family that I've been blacklisted- none of that. I've carried on, a responsible, tax-paying citizen. I guess what I'm wondering is: is weed the cure for all this loneliness and alienation or is it contributing to the llonliness and alienation. I don't know. And I'll be on my death bed not knowing if I don't decide to give it a try. After two years, if I still feel the same and life seems like this long, unevtful, lonely thing you do say by day until you die, if I still feel like that after a year... I can say, "ok, it wasn't the weed I guess." But maybe everything I could want is just outside my comfort zone and not smoking weed is definitely putting me there.
I'm about to head to NA. I hate to be there as just a recovering pot head. I feel like most folks there have lost their kids, homes, jobs and everything due to meth or heroine or something and I don't like being that girl who just been a pothead since high school and really has it together but feels alienated. But I'm going because at least people there are trying to get off something and I won't be sitting here typing on this forum to a group of people I can't see or touch.
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#1

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Sun Oct 07, 2018 4:56 am

give it a shot but if things get out of control please reconsider. I am saying this because withdrawals and loneliness are one of the worst combinations my friend. i recommend therapy to work on social skills FIRST, get a healthy social and personal life and THEN quit. i am saying this because you do not find weed as the obstacle of your life but you yourself which is one of the underlying causes of withdrawals.

Disclaimer: I am no expert but I have dealt with similar cases. :)
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#2

Postby natmar89 » Tue Oct 09, 2018 1:14 am

Newlife2018, where do you live? I know that sounds crazy, but I swear that entire post you just wrote was pulled right out of my mind and heart. Sincerely, empathetic natmar89.
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#3

Postby newlife2018 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:16 am

Hi. Sorry for delayed response. I had my phone disconnected due to it being pretty inactive. Also thought it would inspire me to get out more if I had to get out ot use wifi. I live in East Texas. I am at Starbucks now. Want to meet for coffee? :)
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#4

Postby newlife2018 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:56 am

Here I am, day 10 with no marijuanna after smoking it multiple times, daily for 25+ years. Miraculously, I've also quit smoking cigarettes and threw away the vaporizor that I used to huff nicotene when I didn't want to smell like a cigarette. So no pot or nicotene for 10 days now. Also switched to decaf and quit drinking so much coffee. And this is not difficult for me when I'm not getting high, but I also quit drinking. Drug free for once. It's difficult but I can tell the difference in my attitude. I have been reaching out to God a lot more and it doesn't seem as futile as it did when I was stoned. I'm not kidding when I tell you, he has performed some miracles in my life in 10 days. I know there are a lot of reasons I could use to explain the following things based on 10 days of healthier choice, but it doesn't seem logical that they have happened so quickly. I've been praying for a long, long time but I guess when I was stoned, I had an attitude about it like "If you would get off your butt an do this for me, that would be great" kind of attitude. In 10 short days, I've felt more reverence and faith. Maybe the channels being clearer has helped that- but he has healed two physical ailments- a toothache I had had for months because I dreaded going to the dentist and forking out 100s of dollars. Guess what, toothache gone for a week now. Also, I had what is called a "planter's wart" on my foot that has been there for over a year...which is basically like walking around with a permanant rock between the balls of your feet- gone. It's true folks. Two days into sobriety, I decided to quit praying for a great husband and start a little smaller- phyiscal ailments. I prayed dilligently for a healed mouth and foot- guess what- healed. I kid you not. I also prayed for diminished facial lines due to 3 decades of cigarettes- guess what, diminished, just in 10 days. I've gotten so many "real" compliments on my appearance in the past few days and these folks don't have a clue what is going on with me. I've been doing this for 5 years, this fervent praying- most of the time, stoned out of my mind, but all the same, it's happened and I have not seen results like i have in the past 10 days. I don't want to think of it as being rewarded...I've also just been a better person. I work at a retirement community and I've decided since I have no real friends with time around my age, why not get involved with the elderly I work around 40 hours a week. I've taken a little lady at the community to go see her boyfriend at another community a few times since she can't drive. I've stayed late and jammed out on the guitar with a resident there who also plays. I've spent my lunch break visiting them in their apartments looking through their phot albums and other things and listening to their stories. I also auditioned for a Christmas play in a local community, a smaller town down the road from here where it is easier for me to get acting gigs due to the smaller talent pool. I got cast as second soprano in a Christmas play acting very foolish but truthfully, it's fun. Only 2 weeks ago, I would not have signed up to do this. It's odd- the changes. I could be getting a little too overzealous and maybe the poo will hit the fan soon but it's not like me to be optimistic about my life, so I thought I would try it for a paragraph.
I've never been able to do this folks- never. I have tried and tried, and maybe got away with it for a while but that was before all my straight friends gave up on me. I used to be sober for a week and I'd call my friends and they would cheerlead me to death and I appreciated the attention so I'd pull it off until they didn't answer their phone that one time- or not agree to hang out as much as I wanted- then I resented them and went right back to getting drunk and stoned. This time, I did it with really no support system other than the folks that attend NA who don't even really know what substance I struggle with. I love listening to people talk. I really do. I love being able to absorb their pain and pray silently for them. It feels so good.
OK- I'm going to be positive some more. The biggest miracle of all is I have found myself not hurting emotionally near as much wanting a real husband- one that is an asset and allos me to be an asset to him as well. Something I never had. I was married for a year back in 2014 but he didn't think I was an asset at all. He had a few choice words for me just about every day, but none was ever "You're a real asset to me." He just reminded me of how I was a pain in his butt and a bad influence on his kids a lot. But in retrospect, I kind of see where he may have had a valid point, however, a little encouragement may have helped the situation. Anyway, it's been over 3 years since he divorced me and bailed so I won't cover that all now- but that was the closest I have come to having a husband. And God knows, I've wanted one. I've been on dating sites, bars, church, coffee shops, everywhere- hoping to God that some decent man would walk up to me for the initial interview. Granted, I did get about 300 dates or more but they were all the same- men who thought I was cute enough I guess, but within weeks wanted nothing to do with me. Which hurts a lot more than never being noticed. So my prayers seguayed from "God, help me to find a husband" which never happened thus far, to "God, please help me not want a husband" which also never happened. What I started praying 10 days ago was, "God, I know you'll send the right one if that is what you want for me but in the meantime, can you help me to become a more useful instrument to you and to those around me." And then he answered in my heart of hearts, "Yes." Then I just miraculously started wanting to help and love others- not just going out seeking their attention. And it feels far less like I'm doing it for a reward than it ever has. I'm doing it because I've spent a while thinking about what others could do for me, now I want to make up for as much lost time as possible and do for other people.

It has only been 10 days folks. I don't want to disregard the fact that this could all change and times could get tough, but I've also spent way too many of the last 42 years with cynical forebodings and I'm tired of it. Waking up every morning and deciding life was going to suck today and then making sure it would and looking to escape reality because reality just sucks. I also got my phone service disconnected temporarily so I haven't even been able to contact my dealer if I wanted to and that has saved me more than once. Nothing like no choice to help you make a decision. I just feel better. You will never hear me saying weed is bad bad bad. It's not- I just smoke it too much not for enjoyment, but to not have to be in reality because I affirm that it reality sucks and it is lonely day in and day out. I'm 42- I just want to try something different and here I am, it is not bad.
Gotta go-
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#5

Postby erica2018 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 2:47 pm

Hi newlife, I wanted to reach out to you because I can relate to a lot of the things that you have written. First of all, I like your name “new life” you must remain focused on having a new life completely and disconnect yourself from your old life, and the person that you used to be. You sound like a strong person, you must believe that you don’t need anyone or any substance to help you get through life, you need a strong mind. Friends come and go, support is nice and can give you helpful insight, but ultimately YOU are the only person that you can depend on to help you get through life. I speak from experience. I think that it is great that you are using your time to help others, it is very healing and rewarding. I feel that giving back gives life more meaning.(it has for me)
I am 47, have been smoking on and off since I was 16. I was a 24/7 smoker and smoked cigarettes as well. I have quit more than once, (I quit for almost 10 years when I had my 3 children) but easily slipped back to my old ways after the kids. I had a long list of reasons to quit – like the fact that I was getting too old for the sh**, no longer enjoying it, my teeth and gums were suffering, wasted tons of money, too much anxiety, etc..those reasons were in my mind for a long time, but I still never quit for good because like you I thought life sucked without it. What ultimately led to my permanent quitting was that I didn’t like the person that I had become, and I no longer wanted to be that person, I felt weak, like a loser, and I didn’t want to feel like that anymore, and if I ever think about smoking, I remember that feeling of feeling like a weak loser, and it turns me off. I no longer want to feed that side of me, and when you don’t feed something it eventually dies. I know the PAWS effects, been there more than once, but my mindset is strong. Exercise has helped me a lot, eating better, and putting energy into new more productive interests. It sounds like you are on a good path – just keep moving forwards(do not go backwards in life) and good things will come your way, Put positive energy out into the world and it will come back to you, trust me! I am not religious, but I am a very spiritual person, and I too have experienced miracles, you get what you need, when you need it, and when you put the right energy behind it. Stay strong and focused, and KNOW that you can do it. I wish you all the best on your journey and I will send some positive energy your way ;)
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#6

Postby newlife2018 » Sun Oct 21, 2018 3:40 pm

Good Morning Bullfrog!

Thank you for your reply! It is so nice to hear people echo what I feel inside as a reinforcement that we're not really alone- it's just sometimes a matter of becoming who you want to be, then hopefully attracting like minded people. I don't have many friends at all, but the ones I do have don't do the things I did up until 2 weeks ago- get blitzed daily and huff nicotine and tar down until I feel sick. However, they are friends I attracted while being that way- and it has become clearer to me that these "friends" kind of feed on my desperation. I'm more of a sounding board then anything. I could tell you so many things about them, their lives, their families, their past careers, their marriages, etc. but I've talked to a few over the past few months and brought up something like "my brother called," and they'll say "you have a brother?" Or I'll mention I just got cast in a play- and they'll say "I didn't know you were in plays," from a friend I met while living in a town of merely 2,000 people where I was cast as the lead in several plays and know it was what was going on most of the time while she was living on the other side of the duplex we shared- having coffee together a lot. One may think it's because I never told them- wrong. I've attempted to tell them things here and there but they interrupt or get the glazed over look like "when can we go back to talking about me?" In the past, this was acceptable to me because I was so hungry for companionship and literally told my own self, "why should anyone give a crap about your pathetic life anyway, just be glad you have a warm body in front of you." That's the message I've been putting out to the universe without ever giving it a second thought. Over the past 10 years, I have attracted people that want one-way friendships. Before I start pointing fingers, let me just say I was pretty guilty of this myself before- gosh- probably most of my adulthood so I sometimes think of it as karma. But it's time for this sentence to come to an end. I only want about 20% of the conversation time. I prefer to listen, it keeps me from rattling off meaningless stuff but over the past five years or so, the minute my mouth opens, that's phone checking time for whomever I'm with, or time to check out mentally- often physically- or it's time to interrupt and talk louder. I've often contemplated hooking up some conversation gauging device to show people how little of the air space belongs to me when we're together. But as I get more comfortable with being alone, I get more comfortable with the idea of taking a chance on being more assertive while I put out a new vibe that says, "hey, I'm worth being heard every now and then too" and attract new friends that understand the art of conversation a little better. I swear, I will not abuse the priveledge ever again.

I know exactly what you mean- reinforcing the message to yourself about being a loser. It's funny how we start smoking as children to be cool (at least it was cool when I was an adolescent) and as we get older, it's embarrassing. Addiction or not, we're sending a message to our own self that we're not even worth good health. I don't know about you, but spending 6 bucks on a healthier options at the grocery store once a week seemed ridiculous but I wouldn't bat an eye at spending this on cigarettes twice a day. Paying 100 bucks to get some of the credit card dept that keeps me impoverished was a sacrifice, paying 100 bucks twice a week for some quality smoke was a necessity. It's not so much the behavior, but the constant message I reinforce to myself- "I'm not worth it." "I'm going to fail anyway if I try." "I'm always going to be broke, no one is ever going to value me anyway- might as well sit alone in the safety of my home and stay out of my right mind." It's no surprise we start to feel like losers. And I don't know about you, but there's not many people that are going to spend their time trying to dig us out of that hole if we jump back into it at every opportunity.

10 years is a long time!!! I understand though- smoking grabs you by the proverbial kohonas and won't let you go! There's a voice inside me, I call it the devil, that reminds me over and over I could fail any day now, maybe today. Especially when any type of frustration comes along. I remind myself "well, that was your go-to solution for 25 years and did it ever, ever, ever contribute to any meaningful good result? No, the only thing it provides is a very short span of relief while it added to the problems that kept you running back to it!" I know you said you're not religious and I'm not either. The Bible itself is the biggest argument against religiousness- I'm sure you get where I'm going with this. But I know there is an evil force out there that loves it when we numb our brains, destroy our health and stay caught up in vicious cycles that deter us from being a positive force in the world and I remember that I can so easily be a slave to it by my very own choice. It's had me for long enough.
I've been sober for 2 weeks and a day now. I did start drinking coffee sometimes again but oh well- I went overboard yesterday and rolled around in bed all night wide awake as I no longer puff on the things that counteract it and make me tired. So I experienced the consequence and now we're back to decaf.
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sure I've gone on and on about me and sound pretty hypocritical about rambling on and not listening but I can tell you that your story helps. I can't wait until God brings people like you into my actual physical world because apparently ya'll are out there somewhere.
Hold your head high and you keep going too. There's a rainbow to be found every day if we're not enshroiding ourself in our own darkness.
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#7

Postby erica2018 » Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:47 am

Good morning newlfe!
It sounds like you’ve really got your head together, you’re very introspective, which is really admirable. We all make mistakes all the time, but ultimately its what we learn from our mistakes, and it sounds like you’ve learned a lot, which is what will take you to the next level. Don’t ever go back, it sounds like there’s a great new you coming through that has a lot to offer, so keep on moving forward!
Erica
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