Salsa again

Postby Salsa » Sun Oct 07, 2018 2:28 pm

Hello Everybody!

I am Salsa. I came here 5 years age as a 25-years old student due to extreme reaction from cannabis (panic induced). Some may remember me, most probably not. I will try to keep things simple, even though I have so much to write.

I've managed to stay clean for 15 months with the huge help from this forum while battling awful side effect from quitting weed.

I could not tolerate this anxiety/depression and everything else, so I went psychiatric way. WRONG MISTAKE. I was put on Lexapro, which didn't do a thing for me. The only medicine that helped me was Lorazepam. I managed to graduate, find a nice gf, graduate from Law School, became a practitioner in 2 Law Firms and 2 Corporate Firms (which all ended badly due to my laziness and overall mental incapability from cannabis, alcohol and benzo). Now I am on 10 mg Lexapro, 60 mg Cymbalta, 4 mg Klonopin, 25 mg Seroquel (If needed), cannabis and alcohol. The medicines never helped me (aside benzos, which now I'm tappering of). They have only made things worse. I've added another highly addictive substance which only diminish your libido and make you more fat. So, from my experience I beg you do not take psychiatric pill(s).

So after 15 months of being weed free and fixing my days with Lorazepam, I found a nice girl. It was really a puppy love, full of joy and happiness. She like(s)d to smoke occasionally so at first I was rolling joints for her (like an experience pro who didn't smoke). Then I asked her for a puff. She was very resistant to give it to me at first, but then she gave it. It was awesome. We were laughing, doing stupid things and it was great. This lasted for about a year. But she was occasionally asking for tolerance and psyche-test breaks, which I, off course, didn't want (or like). You know - the withdrawal. Long story short, we ended up after two years because I could not tolerate her expectations and I didn't want to stop smoking. I've lied, I've cheated, I've treated wrongly ... And I left her like a trash. One and a half year later I still think of her every day. After my break up I also lost my job and found a new love - cocaine. I became insanely addicted to it, spent all my 50.000 EUR which I hardly put together and become penniless.

So here I am. A 30-years old on the verge of insanity or killing myself (the ONLY thing which keeps me alive are my parents who love me too much).

I do have a bad social and job reputation, I am heavily addicted to marijuana and klonopin and I see no way out.

Last 4 days I've only smoked a small joint of mj. I feel some tightness in the brain, dizziness, can't sleep well (don't want to take Seroquel), but I feel somehow more alive. Maybe even do things with some purpose. Really I have no idea. Something in my life must be changed otherwise there will be no more Salsa in this world.
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#1

Postby Salsa » Sun Oct 07, 2018 6:46 pm

This was my first thread here: viewtopic.php?t=87873&p=779148
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#2

Postby AngryDwarf » Sun Oct 07, 2018 10:21 pm

Wow, quite a ride you have been having. I remember reading your thread the first time I quit in 2016. Can't say I'm glad to see you back here struggling, I thought you had recovered fully and just forgot to update your thread. Not sure what else to say than: get well! We are here for you. In one way or another, we are all in this together.
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#3

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Oct 08, 2018 3:34 am

Wow that sucks. I hope you find the strength to break free. I know a guy almost 50 addicted to those pills and he's miserable. Maybe try to get out while you're young, I'm not in your shoes but i imagine it'll be better in the long run.
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#4

Postby Salsa » Mon Oct 08, 2018 4:54 pm

Thank you very much for your sympathy and help! It means a lot to me. I appreciate every letter you write to me.

I often ask my dad how is he. He gently replies that he is being sad. Then I ask him why he is sad. He answers that it is because of me. He is sad because I am sad. With all his unconditional love. My mother is sad, too, but she holds her feelings in herself. She is a psychologist who performs many public speeches about depression and anxiety, but in reality she has no clue how dilating these conditions are. But my father sees into my soul. Psychically we are so alike. (on the other hand he "gave" me very good genes for physical power)

I would not like to concentrate this topic to psychiatric pills. Let's talk about cannabis, please. So, I am on my 5th day of being sober. It brings me so much memories about previous quitting. Restlessness, irritability, mood swings, DIZZINESS(!!!) and BRAIN FOG, overall sense of being sad, but feeling an accomplishment. Rolling a spliff right now would be a terrible mistake.
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#5

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:45 pm

Sorry I'm feeling the same way. I didn't have dizziness before and now I do. Plus other symptoms, it's just the worst. Keep going strong and keep posting... it seems like time is the only answer to the question of getting better.
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#6

Postby olskoolru » Thu Dec 27, 2018 7:34 am

Man, Salsa, what a wild ride.

All I can say is hang in there. You returned to this forum because you need help and that is the first step to your recovery. Sounds like you should find and join a Narcotics Anonymous group in your area. Cocaine is nothing to be played with.

Be safe brother!

OSR
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#7

Postby ClintonW » Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:14 pm

Salsa. You were around when I started my quit journey. I'm sorry to hear things are tough for you right now.

I don't have any magic words of wisdom for you. I think you know what you have to do. Life is tough and being drug free doesn't make it any easier. Whilst you're still alive though there is still hope to make it how you want it. I hope you can find the strength you know you have.
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#8

Postby Fishface » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:39 pm

Hi Salsa
Back here again but you achieved so much in the mean time, the kind of career skills people spend their lives depressed they cannot attain.
How did you feel when you were on cocaine? Sounds like you smashed it and left... Any paws, withdrawals?
Good luck mate
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