Unreasonable Anger?

Postby koamalu » Sun Oct 07, 2018 3:55 pm

Recent years, I realized having a problem communicating with my father. Usually we don't get into conflicts, but once he returns home late and when he comes into my room, I have a strong urge to shout at him and get him away, and he'll get mad. For most of the time he comes home late because of having dinner outside with his friends and he usually gets drunk. When he returns home, he will disturb me by calling me silly names and shouting around the house, I do shout at him and get him back into his own bedroom. But sometimes, even he comes home late, he is fine and all he wants to do is just to greet me, but I still have the urge to shout at him. I know this is my fault, but I don't understand why I behave in that way, I feel like I can't control myself. Can anyone explain why?
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#1

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:38 am

Somethings to think about:

Maybe, you could talk to him when he sober about not disturbing somebody else's sleep and basic neighborly etiquette
To learn acceptance and tolerance, it is important to relax and learn to love yourself first. So, the next time he comes around trying to create a scene around the house, stay calm, and respectful. Maybe, it'll help him realize.

Has he sought professional help for alcoholism?
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#2

Postby Candid » Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:33 am

I personally don't believe in unreasonable anger, nor that anger is a bad thing. I believe our anger exists to let us know our selfhood and/or our personal boundaries have been violated, so we can do something about it.

A father who routinely comes home drunk, calls a family member names and is generally shouty and obnoxious, is compromising the sanctity of family and your right to peace and privacy in your home. You've got fed up with his behaviour and are letting him know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

It is not your fault that you get the urge to shout at him. You never know how he's going to show up, do you? Some ways it would be easier on you if he was always obnoxious, then at least you'd know what to expect. The switching between good dad/bad dad just keeps you on edge.

But let's look at it another way: as a possibly intergenerational issue. If you grow up to be an unpredictable, shouty individual just like dear old dad, will that be your fault or his? And how will it play out in the home and family you set up for yourself?

If you don't know much about how your father grew up, it might be interesting to ask some questions. Maybe his father did more than just shout, instead laying about with his fists. Who knows?

There are reasons for why people end up the way they do. No one starts out addicted to booze (or anything else) or foul-tempered; something happened to make them that way.

I'm not suggesting you let him walk or shout all over you, but maybe a bit of compassion will improve things for both of you.
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#3

Postby Chad Capote » Tue Oct 16, 2018 12:11 pm

Righto @Candid
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#4

Postby laureat » Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:59 am

yeah, your father is unpredictable* because what he done on the past, it is how you feel about it

but is not something that can never change, i mean if you guys can keep it cool, you can change how you feel about each other, you can start to trust each other again
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#5

Postby emtelligence » Fri Nov 02, 2018 1:17 am

I suggest you just talk to him when he is sober. This won't change a lot of things immediately but having a heart to heart is never bad.
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