4 months weed free and chuggin along

Postby Astro413 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:22 pm

Hey guys so the 16th of this month will be the 4 month mark for me so I’m going to go ahead and give my update a few days early.

To start I would like to say I am so much better than I was on day one of this journey. But if I’m going to be completely honest I do not remember much of the first 2 months, it was so traumatizing it is hard to comprehend that I have a hard time remembering what I felt like, it’s almost like I was in a transe for those first two months. I am not a depressive or anxious person and I have never turkey felt those feelings in my life until this journey began and this is what really plagued me during those first two months.

Once the third month came along I started to see a sharp decline in my physical symptoms like headaches, chest pains, eye blur, and was left with the emotional symptoms I.e the depression and anxiety albeit nowhere near as brutal as the first two months.

Now here I am in the 4th month of my journey and things are rather the same as they were in month 3, maybe slightly improved but if I’m going to be honest I have a hard time telling the difference. My anxiety is no longer constant but when it flairs up it is always either fear for the future and a bunch of what-I’d scenarios play out in my head usually always revolving around something negative, or it is over the depression and low moods that this whole process has plagued me with and wondering whether or not this is still PAWS because as mentioned in a previous post I feel as though I have plateaued emotionally. This anxiety seems to fuel my low moods, as does negative headlines, or basically any mention of mental health awareness... Although I wouldn’t call it depression anymore 1. Because Ive literally developed a fear of being/becoming depressed, and 2. Because it is simply not too much to handle anymore. When the low moods hit it can last 10 minutes, and it can last a whole day depending on different factors (whether I’m in a spell of good days or not) when I’m having a bad day it is easy for my mind to wander and negative thoughts usually pop up unannounced, and when this happens I usually find myself back on this forum reading the likes of 2yearsquit or cleanofgreen’s success stories. But during those little 10 minute spells I can brush it off.

I still have an issue communicating with people although it has gotten better. Once I establish dialogue with someone they become easier to talk to but say I’m sparking conversation with someone new I usually find myself getting choked up which is far from where I was before this whole process.

Lastly something I noticed thins past week that seems to be a trend on this board is my short term memory is lacking. While this has probably been the case throughout the entirety of my PAWS I’m just now noticing it, I am having trouble remembering things like what I studied for class, or whether or not I washed my hair last night, etc. and I’ll take this as a good sign in that I am still in recovery from PAWS.

I believe I’ve mentioned this in a previous post but time really does move so slow during this process, technically I’m a few days shy of 4 months but I feel that I’ve been fighting this for so much longer, there are even some days that I wake up and yesterday seems like it was days before. If anybody else feels they have experienced this feeling let me know.

To end my update I am still fighting every day, I have no urge to touch weed, in all honestly I’d rather hit my nicotine vape which I have been abstaining from for just as long. I long for the day that I will be able to wake up and feel exited for the day and just to live my life in general, as of now I live day-by-day in a shadow of my true self wondering whether or not I will feel okay on a daily basis but I am fighting along nonetheless. I would like to believe that I now have just as many good days as I do bad days but to be completely honest my head is still pretty foggy and it is hard to tell. Anyways I will continue to look forward to getting back to being myself and will continue my monthly update. Feel free to comment, in fact I encourage it, and you guys update as well!
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#1

Postby Astro413 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:36 pm

One more thing I feel like I should mention is that I do notice that the general majority of posters on this forum state that on top of communication issues you have a hard time connecting to others, I can 100% say this is just part of PAWS. I find that I only feel a real connection with my little brother and my dog. Everybody else just kind of exists to me at the moment, even my parents who I love dearly. They definitely notice this too, my dad comes to visit often (I live in my parents vacation home while in school) and has always been sort of a quiet-to himself character constantly tries to make conversation with me and I can see it on his face and hear it in his voice that he knows I just feel somewhat disconnected.

Just remember you are not alone in this and it will all pass with time. Keep on fighting.
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#2

Postby BullFrog » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:53 pm

Hey Astro, it always gives me joy to hear when people feel significant improvement from where they are now as compared to when they started. That is great news not just for you, but all who read your story. I mean, it kinda sucks that this month compared to last shows little improvement. That seems to be a consistent thing for all of us who are experiencing PAWS in our own ways. There are times where we can see improvement, but others where it seems to be stagnant for a long time. Then suddenly, it can spike and be worse for a bit and then better for a long time. Crazy how all this, at times, seems so chaotic. Granted, there appears to be some common threads like I just pointed out, but PAWS really is different from person to person. Many common symptoms, but the longevity and severity of those symptoms vary drastically. Some people swear that 6 months is the "tipping point". Others, like biggiesize, say 9 months. Others, 1 year. Some even two. But even within those lengths of time, everyone seems to have certain symptoms that have long left them, while others remain. For myself, I have always experienced the buzzy/dizzy/pressure like sensation in my head since day 1 (I'm on month eight), but super fatigue, insomnia, crazy anxiety, loss of appetite, memory issues, crying in fear, and some others have LONG since left me for the most part. For other people, however, those symptoms still remain for months on ends (and even worse symptoms then those).

Anyway, I rambled on! Keep fighting the good fight Astro and good to hear from you. Glad to hear you are reaching out to encourage others as well through your struggle. I know reaching out helps me to not lose hope and keep focused on my day to day responsibilities.

Fight on!
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#3

Postby Astro413 » Sun Oct 14, 2018 3:43 am

Thank you for your input Bulkfrog, I encourage it on my posts! Keep it up and keep us updated, stay postative!
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#4

Postby Cthompson21 » Sun Oct 14, 2018 8:58 pm

I can relate to much of this. I also have short term memory loss and now i have the hardest time with people's names!

Also, I've posted this before, but paws is like a stroke, in the way of healing times. The first three months you have the most dramatic healing, rapid healing continues up to six months so it's imperative I think to take care of ourselves by then. Then more healing goes on for two years plus but more slowly. This is what my therapist told me, for what it's worth. Stroke or PAWS the brain needs a long time to heal and maybe that's why you're not noticing as many changes. It sucks. But looks like you're on the road to recovery. I hope you keep fighting and keep updating.
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#5

Postby thegreatdane » Sun Oct 14, 2018 10:03 pm

Its a long and tough journey man. Congratz on 4 months! Im on 9 months and i the major depression and anxiety has gone away, but im still left with a mild depressed anxious me. It is truly a long healing process for some, i hope you recover much faster than me, but hopefully im past the worst of it and i can actually begin to feel good soon enough. Thanks for the update!
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#6

Postby Astro413 » Mon Oct 15, 2018 12:37 am

Dane thank you for pitching in that actually triggers a big sign of relief from me that it has gotten better, and Cthompson that actually makes a lot of sense co spidering after I passed the 3 month mark everything started to slow down in terms of changes.
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#7

Postby Cthompson21 » Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:38 am

Yeah Astro that's what I think too. Also makes sense why some of the people feel better/recover in 6-9 months. others it takes years. But the hardest part is that beginning stage...I know right now for me it is. A real struggle.

Great Dane so glad to hear you're doing better! That's awesome to hear and uplifting. Keep us posted.
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#8

Postby Head in loud » Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:24 pm

This anxiety seems to fuel my low moods, as does negative headlines, or basically any mention of mental health awareness... Although I wouldn’t call it depression anymore 1. Because Ive literally developed a fear of being/becoming depressed, and 2. Because it is simply not too much to handle anymore.

Hi Astro,
I’m 5 days shy of 4 months and I feel exactly as you mention above. My mind wonders and then the negative thoughts of having bipolar, scherzo, manic and... im over emotional and feel like crying for no reason. I get mad/angry really easily and the intrusive thoughts are coming back...can’t wait for this to be over not sure if I can take this any longer.
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