1 year and 4 months

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:56 am

Hello my friends! Clean and sober here. I just wanted to give you an update.

I am doing great :D those of you who read my past posts know about my stupid mistake, a month ago. I recovered, i'm ok.

This year is very important to me, final year in med school. I have to take my residency and choose a specialty. I want to do emergency medicine, work in the ER. After all this experience i thought i'll never feel the joy of practicing what i love. Until 2 weeks ago when i had a crash course of life support that ignited something in me. I was fully concentrated, my mind was on high speed, i answered to almost all questions, the world dissapeared around me, i was on fire. That course lasted 3 and a half hours and i didn't felt tired, not one bit. I was so proud of myself and felt such joy when it ended. Pure joy. I knew then, that is what i want to do.

This gave me a lot more hope than i expected. It proved me my mind is intact, even better. After the meth experience my mind was all foggy and all over the place, i feared i could not study for the exam that came next. Bullshyte, i studied like a maniac :))) and i aced it :D I wondered how is that possible and i thought maybe my subconcious is preparing for the final exam and puts my mind in the right place.
Anyway things are good schoolwise :)

Now lifewise: i read Robb1e_g post bellow and i somehow identify with what he wrote. I felt that veil over my head for a very long time, and i still feel it, but not always. It makes me feel like something is missing, it's like pieces of me were ripped away and i am not completely whole.
But when the veil falls i feel the joy of life. I feel happy, content with what i have. I am excited by the future. I make plans and i can't wait to get them done. I am...me :)
Although i am waaaay better than when i started, almost fully healed, i can tell i am still healing. What was worse passed already, but it's the little things that may take more time.
Sometimes i hate myself and sometimes i am thinking if i will be whole ever again, but then i have a great time and all these questions dissapear.
I still have small bouts of anxiety, sometimes i space out, like someone or something cuts my anchor. When that happens, a feeling of desperation falls over me like a cold shower. The thing i know for sure is that it goes away and it's very refreshing.

So, i am still healing, still learning. But, i am calm and steady most of the time. I am getting better and better with time, so i know you will too.
Kisses :*
helenadoc
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#1

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:15 pm

Congratulations on joining the success story club! We are so happy for you!! Keep posting your uodates, till you're completely healed, you are a beautiful ray of hope for those still recovering
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#2

Postby Cthompson21 » Wed Nov 07, 2018 3:27 pm

Congrats! You're an inspiration. The fact that you were in medical school through all of this amazes me. I'm in a similar place questioning whether I can continue to do what I love or not with this anxiety always hanging over my head but your story gives me hope :) congrats again and i look forward to reading more updates.
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#3

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:07 pm

Thank you so much! Thompson, i don't know how i did it either :))) but with time it gets better and better. One thing i noticed: if i am studying, or at the hospital, my anxiety goes away (if i have it in the first place). Even when i was in the depts of hell, studying calmed me down. It didn't make me feel ok, but it eased my mind. And in this time i learned that our brain is amazing: when my mind was racing i thought i couldn't remember a thing i studied. Half of my mind was occupied with obsessive thoughts that i couldn't stop, the other half was reading for exam. I was so depressed and anxious, started crying to my bf that i'm gonna fail my year. Then he asks me "come here, light up a cigarette and tell me about what you read". And i started talking, answering to questions. I couldn't believe it. Even if my mind was stocked up with shyte i could still manage my bussiness :D
It will be ok for you too, trust me. That joy will come back, i promise.
Xoxo :*
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#4

Postby Brudenski » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:35 pm

Well done Doc you're a champ
This forum is a blessing for the positivity.
One tiny question do you still have blurry vision and headaches.
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#5

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:46 pm

Hey Brudenski! No, i do not. I had blurry vision for almost 10 months or maybe more if i remember correctly and headaches only in the beggining, in the 2nd and 3rd month.
I noticed the blurriness intensifies during panick attacks, those stopped months ago. Last one i had was in april. I still have like beggining of panick attacks, that rush of adrenaline from the start, but it goes away. I mean they don't turn in full attacks. This happens very very rare and that's when i get a little blurry vision.
Headaches i get when i drink :)) (not everytime, but most of the times) or smoke too many cigarettes. But not like those from the withdrawal.
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#6

Postby Brudenski » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:55 pm

Thks a bunch doc for your quick reply.
Your answer is helping me to know that they will do go away.
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#7

Postby dhae2604 » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:58 pm

I envy you guys. Im 1yr & 5mos. Still suffering anxiety/panicky feeljng etc. Obsessive unwanted intrusive thought type of anxiety. I hav days symptom is less & thought healing. but mostly bad days.
Im a very short term user.

I feel im the worst case im feeling paranoid Help me guys

Maybe its bcoz i overdose I have panic attack while high.

Anyone can relate?

What a harmless! drug. I thought it was like beer & cigs only so i start trying weed.
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#8

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:06 pm

Hey dhae! Don't despair man. You know it does you no good. There is a post where one man felt relief afte 2and a half years. So you are not the worst case. It depends from person to person you know. Did you smoke since you quit? It is very important to stay clean. I still have your symptoms but mild and they go away. I feel fine most of the time. You will be fine, just go on with yout life and try to ignore what you feel. I know it's hard to do, but with time it will be fine.

Tell me something? Did it improved since you've quit? Did you smoked since? Are you and anxious person in general? What do you do with your time? How do you asses you state, feelings?
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#9

Postby helenadoc » Wed Nov 07, 2018 5:08 pm

Brudenski wrote:Thks a bunch doc for your quick reply.
Your answer is helping me to know that they will do go away.


No problem :) if you have any other questions, feel free to ask. I'm here :D
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#10

Postby cleanofgreen » Thu Nov 08, 2018 10:42 am

Congrats Helen, You make us all proud and finding your passion, that's a blessing. Applying that passion to such an important field of work is going to effect so many people in such a positive way.Your going to make an awesome Doctor.

@dhae2604 Don't give up, and read the post by 2yearquit here
https://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=106335

It took him 27 - 28 months to turn around but I might happen for you much sooner. It's different for everyone, but one thing works for all here, and that's time . You have to give it time, more time than any of us think it should take but must give.

Good luck and stay strong.
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