How long does it take to get your feet back under you?

Postby Tyler Durden » Wed Nov 07, 2018 8:20 pm

In the single month of August I ended a long term relationship, moved to a tiny apartment and my mother passed away. History has proven that the breakup alone would have been enough to send me reeling.

But I am really having trouble getting back to ‘normal’.
I don’t even know what ‘normal’ is supposed to be.
It has been many years since I’ve been single. And even when I was, I wasn’t good at it.

I love my job, I’m good at it, and work hard every day. But I also can’t wait to leave at the end of the day.
As soon as I walk out the door, I have no idea who I am, or who I’m supposed to be.

Do I rush home? No, I spend as many hours as I possible avoiding home. Generally, at the local tavern with friends. Not because I need to drink, but because I can’t stand the solitude of going home.
I don’t enjoy any of my lifelong hobbies anymore.
I rarely cook for myself, and my refrigerator is usually bare.
My apartment is furnished, but that is all- nothing on the walls, etc.

What do normal, professionals do with their time? And where does the motivation come from?
I know what I should be doing- working hard, saving money, paying off debt, etc.
I just can’t bring myself to sit home……

I wake up every morning hating myself over the realization that, yet another day has gone by and I’ve done nothing but flounder.
So I ask, how long does it take to get your feet back under you?

Thanks in advance

TD
Tyler Durden
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:51 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:47 am

Tyler Durden wrote:...how long does it take to get your feet back under you?


Your motivation is externally driven. Your motivation is clearly heavily weighted by social acceptance, hence your need for a relationship, your performance at work that ends your identity when you walk out the door, going to a tavern to socialize, and avoiding your tiny, bare apartment which represents the blank canvas you have created that represents your perceived self when not surrounded by others. You don’t know who you are, because who you are is constantly being created and shaped by your social interactions, never taking the time to create an identity for yourself outside of others.

Like most things, this is the old adage of all things in moderation. Your story is one of lacking balance in life. You have too much ying and not enough yang, so to speak. In terms of psychological health, you have too much social identity and not enough self identity.

Given the above, getting “back on your feet” can take two paths.

One path, the quicker path, is to plunge yourself into more activities that fill up your social calendar, find a new intimate relationship, and as you fill key social voids to replace the previous, e.g. mother, you will be back in your comfort zone...until once again social bonds are ended, which is the inevitable reality of life.

The second path will take longer and is less comfortable at first. It is the path where you intentionally spend time alone, creating a personal identity that is separate from and then compliments your social identity. It is a path of self discovery. This then creates internal motivations, driving you to do things based on the desire for personal mastery vs. social approval.

The bottom line, you don’t want to be on either extreme. You don’t want to be a self absorbed hermit, but you also don’t want to be defined entirely by others with no identity of your own. There is a healthy balance of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. There is a healthy balance of social and personal identity.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9965
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 998

#2

Postby johnusacitizen » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:47 am

A sense of normalcy... I find you unrelatable.i love a person who finds repeated patterns of everyday life comforting, but he puts up with me, and I'm never that. I love him. Oh this isn't about you, this post. Or is it? (Sorry I was listening to Killer Mike and burped up my words--his funk is infectious)
johnusacitizen
Full Member
 
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2013 2:43 am
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Tyler Durden » Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:35 am

I feel like that ^ reply was more self-serving than helpful.

Thanks for that.
Tyler Durden
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:51 pm
Likes Received: 0

#4

Postby Translucent » Sat Nov 10, 2018 3:57 pm

I think you should figure out a way to get back with your ex somehow, although that is easier said than done. Perhaps she still has feelings for you. Bite the pain and find a way to impress her again.
Translucent
Full Member
 
Posts: 179
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2016 1:20 am
Likes Received: 14

#5

Postby Tyler Durden » Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:23 pm

That’s not really feasible.
We’ve grown apart and split amicably.
Although, that would be a quick fix, it wouldn’t last long.
Tyler Durden
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:51 pm
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby Tyler Durden » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:09 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:The second path will take longer and is less comfortable at first. It is the path where you intentionally spend time alone, creating a personal identity that is separate from and then compliments your social identity. It is a path of self discovery. This then creates internal motivations, driving you to do things based on the desire for personal mastery vs. social approval.


This all sounds like the right path.
But how does spending time alone translate from sitting home alone to " internal motivations, driving you to do things based on the desire for personal mastery vs. social approval"...?

It seems to me, that wallowing in depression alone, would do just the opposite.
Tyler Durden
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:51 pm
Likes Received: 0

#7

Postby Translucent » Mon Nov 12, 2018 11:14 pm

Tyler Durden wrote:That’s not really feasible.
We’ve grown apart and split amicably.
Although, that would be a quick fix, it wouldn’t last long.


You want a non-quick fix? Change yourself and your attitude.
Translucent
Full Member
 
Posts: 179
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2016 1:20 am
Likes Received: 14

#8

Postby quietvoice » Mon Nov 12, 2018 11:43 pm

Tyler Durden wrote:In the single month of August I ended a long term relationship,
moved to a tiny apartment
and my mother passed away.

So, you had three major life changes three months ago.

Tyler Durden wrote:I am really having trouble getting back to ‘normal’.

[I love my job, . . . But I also can’t wait to leave at the end of the day. As soon as I walk out the door,] . . .I have no idea who I am, or who I’m supposed to be.

. . . I can’t stand the solitude of going home. I don’t enjoy any of my [previous activities and stuff]

Sounds like a case of profound grief, after undergoing three major life changes three months ago.

Tyler Durden wrote:I wake up every morning hating myself over the realization that, yet another day has gone by and I’ve done nothing but flounder.

No need to hate yourself for going through some changes. Your life isn't the same as in the past. This is what is normal, for now.

Just let it be. Let any emotions that come up, come up. Notice, acknowledge, and accept these emotions. Do not block or repress these emotions. Eventually, this time of life will pass, and a new perspective and attitude will become a part of you.

Know that the intelligent creative life force is working on your behalf to help you heal up from the changes. (The same force that heals up your body from injury.) Be still; watch and observe; sleep or rest if you feel the need to do so; go sit on the beach or in the park or walk the forest—be in nature.

(Know that) all is well.
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2102
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 211

#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Nov 13, 2018 2:13 am

Tyler Durden wrote: It seems to me, that wallowing in depression alone, would do just the opposite.


“Sitting home spending time alone” does not equal “wallowing in depression”. Time alone can be spent in any number of pleasurable ways.

Tyler Durden wrote: This all sounds like the right path.
But how does spending time alone translate from sitting home alone to " internal motivations, driving you to do things based on the desire for personal mastery vs. social approval"...?


Every Sunday I spend some time alone. I call it “Planning Sunday” and it is time for reflecting and then getting ready for the next week. I have a journal. I use it as a mind dump, writing my thoughts as to clear the mind. There is no wallowing. I plan the next week, setting personal targets.

It takes about 30 minutes to an hour.

My plans for the week involve a balance of personal and social. If you look at my targets, if you look at my to-do-list, you will find books I am reading, essays I am writing, health goals I am pursuing, language that I am studying, etc. These all are done alone, by myself, for my enjoyment.

I also have targets that involve social interaction, meeting up with friends, reaching out to colleagues, talking with my students, etc.

Personal and social goals are most often mutually supportive. This is why it is good to have a healthy balance. For example, I read a lot about topics related to psychology for personal mastery, because I am fascinated by the topic. I spend time alone reading every day. I’m not wallowing, I’m learning about something that fascinates me on a personal level. But, this sometimes has the social benefit of then being able to share that knowledge with others.

Start a journal. Write down some personal goals you would like to achieve, goals that you would want to achieve regardless if anyone else was involved.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9965
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 998

#10

Postby Tyler Durden » Tue Nov 13, 2018 3:50 am

Translucent wrote:You want a non-quick fix? Change yourself and your attitude.


Great input!

Can you sow me where that switch is?
Tyler Durden
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:51 pm
Likes Received: 0



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Depression